ready, set, go

I’m not a pack rat by any stretch of the imagination.  When something has served its time, I get rid of it quickly.  Greeting cards last about ten minutes, unless Ari intervenes.  Once I read it and swear under my breath about there being no money in it, what’s the point of keeping it around?  Into the trash it goes!

However, yesterday when I went and bought a new pair of shoes because I never had a dad and material goods fill the hole in my heart (right now you’re thinking, “I don’t know whether to laugh or to hold him”), I discovered that for some reason, I do keep shoe boxes.

I decided to stuff my new shoes in my gym bag so I wouldn’t have to carry two bags home, but instead of trashing the box, I kept it.  It’s jammed up under my desk right now, where it will probably be until the end of time.

Then, when I went home last night and counted, there must’ve been at least 23 shoe boxes under my bed, counting Ari’s too, because evidently she has a problem with this as well.

I think I have this issue because for some reason I worry that I might have to move at any moment, and there is absolutely no way to transport shoes without boxes for them.

Everything else in the apartment?  Fine.  But shoes?  I have to tell you, if you’re looking to transport those without their ship, it’s going to be one messy situation.

You’re sitting there, picking up one and looking for the match, then oops!  You dropped one!  And the next thing you know, you’re drowning your sadness with a bottle of Jack while listening to “Goodbye to You” by Michelle Branch and it’s not even a Tuesday night.

But with boxes – you don’t have this problem.  Put those shoes in a box and you are ready to move swiftly and easily.

I don’t really understand why I think I’ll get a call and have to move so quickly (with shoe boxes in tow).  I mean I’m not Jason Bourne.

Or am I???

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48 Comments

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48 responses to “ready, set, go

  1. Now I know how your mom feels.

    I know, I know. Maybe someday I’ll do one. Maybe.

  2. I hoard hot sauce. I have to buy a bottle every time I go to the store. We have like 5 unopened bottles of hot sauce. It’s a compulsion really.

    You’re holding a bottle right now aren’t you?

  3. “I went and bought a new pair of shoes because I never had a dad and material goods fill the hole in my heart…”

    I laughed. Out loud. I am a cold, cold woman.

    That’s what I like about you.

  4. Can’t you just throw shoes in a trash bag?

    No! They get all jumbled up in there – it’s the worst!

  5. I keep shoe boxes, too! I don’t understand why ‘cos it’s not like they are stuffed with money! They have tissue paper and that silica gel poison shit in them.

    Silica gel is one of the weirdest things ever.

  6. idontliketoread

    I have 3 dads, I’ll share one or two w/you.

    I call Bob!

  7. I don’t hoard shoe boxes, but you know the little extra buttons and bits of yarn that come attached to clothes when you buy them?

    I have a jewelry box full of that crap. And I hover above the trash can with them every time I remove them but I hesitate and save it instead.

    What the hell for?

    You could send me a button for a shirt I have. I bet you have it.

  8. I can’t judge you. I’m not rat packer, but I hold onto receipts. I still have receipts from 2003… I kid you not. It’s like I feel I’ll get personally audited at any moment and I need to justify all my purchases. Also, I grew up mostly fatherless… hold me?

    I’m e-hugging you right now dude.

  9. I have moved…about 12 times in my entire life. Never have I ever needed the shoe boxes in tow during my relocations, and I’m here to help you to ‘let go’…just let go..you are not planning to move anytime soon are you? Well if need be, do like you do when you travel, but on a larger scale.
    lettttt goooooo…(saying this softly)

    I hope this works.

  10. You also never know when you’ll need to make a diorama. Luckily, you are ALL KINDS of prepared for such an event.

    Haha – yes! I should make a huge collection of them.

  11. And all this time I was thinking you were Jason Bourne.

    I am! But now that I told you, I’m going to have to kill you. With a paper clip.

  12. Omg, I can’t even buy shoes if they don’t have a box (and every so often, you find great shoes and they are sans box). I have stacks and stacks of boxes but the worst are the boot boxes…I have 3 of them currently taking up residence in my closet (well to be fair, only 2 made it into the closet–the other box has been sitting near-but-not-in a corner of my room since October).

    I shudder to think of buying shoes without a box. Insanity.

  13. Matt

    I laughed… and at no point did I wonder if I should hold you or not.

    That works for me.

  14. I’m like Crissy. I have so many extra buttons and feet of string that I could sew you a coat made out of it all. It’s ridiculous. I’ve never once needed to use any of it either. But, just…in…case…

    Make me a coat!

  15. I laughed too! But, it was a laugh of sadness. Believe me, I like a box or 2 as well. Eh ooH.

    Mmmm… woman boxes….

  16. Ron

    Bourne would not pack his shoes, you need to be ready to move at anytime, or have a separate safe house where you store your shoes.. anyhow I cant believe you have had 23 pairs of shoes, I’m still wearing my Winners II from 87.

    When you’re done with them I’m sure I’ll get the hand-me-downs. Well, after Mikey that is.

  17. Red

    “Goodbye to You” by Scandal is a much better song.

    I’ve never heard of them. But Branch makes me cry!

  18. That’s okay, I refuse to finish any of my toiletries. I have a million bottles of lotion and perfume and shampoo with one drop left. It drives my mother crazy.

    Tell her it’s for an experiment.

  19. Do you keep the boxes even after the shoes they once contained have worn out their welcome? Would hate for there to be any evidence of that time you thought grown men could wear Crocs.

    Hey – they’re perfect for in the garden!

  20. CapriceClassic

    I agree. I cannot throw away shoe boxes OR pickle jars. Now you know my secret shame.

    Shame is slowly lifted, with each confession.

  21. I say, keep all the shoe boxes you can!

    Huzzah!

  22. I also hoard (that’s a word, right?) shoe boxes, but never figured out why… Maybe your theory has some sense behind it.

    Everything you read on this blog is based on years and years of research and then verified through the strictest fact-checking editors.

  23. I want a picture. Nay, I demand a picture. Because I thought I was the only one who keeps shoe boxes. But actually I keep them so I can pack my winter shoes when summer comes and vice versa.

    I.Am.Special.

    I’ve tried adding an image in the comments before and it never works. Here is a shot of the box at my desk. Hope this link works.

  24. rachel

    I LOVE shoeboxes! You never know when you will be inspired to make a diorama…and they seemingly hold much more crap efficiently than any silly clear container (where I could see what was in there) could EVER do.

    Yes! Shoe box lovers unite!

  25. I keep them too, but only for my special shoes. That way it’s like a little gift every time.

    Gifts are exciting. You should re-wrap them too.

  26. Son Ze

    omg, that is so hilarious!! i do remember giving you a birthday card once. damn it! i should have given you a shoe box.

    Haha – I read it and appreciated it. Then I threw it out. I mean, how long are you supposed to keep those things?

  27. i too am a hoarder of all things paper. what does this say about us? we like trees? a lot?

    A LOT.

  28. novasawatzky

    hmm. i HATE shoe boxes. i usually try and ditch them at the store by telling the shopkeep
    “naah, i’m just gonna wear them”
    even though i already have other shoes on

    Shoekeep? Where do you live – 1923?

  29. jay grochalski

    there’s usually just cat vomit and wine bottles underneath my bed.

    The contents of a happy man.

  30. bwp

    I am speechless. You have Bauer’s URL and you never told me. Selfish bastard! See if I ever post pictures of Kim Kardassian on your Facebook again!

    Not Bauers – BOURNE’S! Jack Bauer is nothing compared to Jason Bourne.

  31. I spend 23 hours of the day throwing away things that Dane hoards. Nasal spray bottles, cords, plastic bags, receipts, EVERYTHING.

    This is why I’m not famous yet.

    I can’t wait until you clean that apartment for good – then I can say “I knew her!”

  32. Plus with all those shoe boxes you have a place for your baseball cards, and pictures from the prehistoric days before digital cameras, and things of that nature. Maybe you still get notes from girls like in middle school. Who knows, but I do know this, a shoe is the only proper place to contain things of that nature.

    I still get notes – and they still have a new box with “maybe” checked off.

  33. I never save these and have on more than one occasion cursed myself for getting rid of them. I end up with a giant box of random shoes when I move and spend at least an hour sorting them. I never learn.

    This is your chance to change!

  34. I keep all of my shoe boxes with polaroids on the outside so that I know what’s inside.

    Wow – you are organized.

  35. shoe boxes are extremely useful… heck they fit under the bed, that should tell you everything you need to know
    now if you start decorating them, then it’s time for assitance

    So bedazzling them is bad?

  36. Or you could just throw every shoe you find in a bag….

    Worst system ever!

  37. I definitely toss shoe boxes. No need and they take up too much room.

    But the birthday cards? Yeah, I totally keep those.

    I don’t understand that – you already read them!

  38. bwp

    Ohhhhh I read the tag incorrectly since I’m doing so from my phone. Oh who am I kidding, I can’t read in general.

    I am still your friend. FOREVER.

  39. Put all your shoes in one big plastic bag.

    Haha I know you wanna hit me.

    ps. I love my shoes badly too

    I don’t hit readers, I only give them The Stink Eye.

  40. i keep shoe boxes too! and i’m pretty sure it’s so i can store other stuff in them or something, i’m not 100% sure why.

  41. The only shoe box I have is full of 7th grade notes. Ya know, the ones written with those supa cool 4-color-click pens? And folded into a triangle (with the edge tucked in).

    I digress….

    My bedside drawer full of buttons (most from clothes I’ve given away) is your under-the-bed. We all have our own sicknesses.

  42. i throw shoe boxes away like whoa. but the shopping bags that the shoe boxes go in. i’m a hoarder.

  43. One day when we achieve flight and refuse to walk anywhere anymore, shoes and shoe boxes are going to be obsolete and suddenly you’ll have a mountain of collector’s items. So that’s good thinking ahead.

  44. tia

    if you were really jason bourne that would be awesome.

  45. I have enough trouble trying to keep the refrigerator clear of things that expired in 2007 – my dad likes to hoard things that are way past dead. Plus, there’s no room under the bed – it’s where i keep old magazines among other things.. lol

    But this post definitely made me crack up, especially when you brought up the Branch song.

  46. M.

    Oh wow. I just wrote a post on a similar subject, 2 minutes ago. Yes, and then I moved at lightning speed to your blog. Instead of shoeboxes, I hoard internet bookmarks, music files, and pictures files. In case one day someone holds a gun to my head and gives me only 3 seconds to find that one particular website with the grilled cheese recipe.

    Do I have a problem?
    I just bookmarked this page 5 times.

  47. Shoe boxes are for old photos and for burying small, dead animals. Granted, some of you shoes likely smell like dead animals, but…

  48. Kez

    My friend moved houses. She had 50 pairs of shoes. All in original boxes. They have their own room.
    It really did make it easier.
    I think you’re making good decisions.

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