Monthly Archives: April 2009

real adventure

When I was growing up, the first thing I ever imagined myself becoming when I was an adult was Indiana Jones. I figured, like any young boy would, that getting women, punching the shit out of Bad Dudes and saving enslaved children by grabbing some weird rock was a pretty good life.

Of course now that I’m an Adult, I’ve been sucker punched by this thing called Real Life, and to my dismay – I don’t think I’m ever going to be Indiana Jones.

In fact, the closest I ever get to it is the mad dash to a train that is about to leave the station. There really isn’t anything more exciting than seeing the subway doors start to close and jumping into the car right at the last possible second.

I actually take quite a bit of pride in my ability, too. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Sky diving? Please. Try weaving through a crowd of angry commuters (knocking the weak aside if that’s what is necessary) and leaping through the air to catch a train – all to save yourself ten minutes. Now that is what I call Extreme.

The best part about it is seeing the faces of doubt when I make my move toward the train. When I pick up my pace to a steady jog, I always see the people who have exited the subway and I know what they’re thinking:

“He’ll never make it.”

“What a fool! He’s going to be ten minutes later than he thought!”

“I think his fly is down and I’m feeling intrigued.”

But I keep going! Why? Because this is my Temple of Doom! This is my Lost Ark! And damn you to hell if you think it will be my Last Crusade!

When the doors begin to close, that’s when I make my jump, straightening myself out so as to give myself the most room possible to squeeze through.

Then, when I make it on the train, I always take a look around at the people on there already. I nod at the few who have just witnessed this miracle, this Feat Of Amazingness, and feel bad for those who missed it.

Jumping onto trains at the last minute may not be fulfilling my dream to one day become Indiana Jones, but it certainly comes close.

Let’s see an archaeologist do that.


Filed under Uncategorized

minus one

I should explain first that I hate the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. When Ari watches it I want to punch myself in the face until I pass out, because if I wanted to listen to eight kids screaming and yelling I’d, I don’t know, have some fucking kids.

With that, because I’ve seen the show, I can’t help but notice how shitty Kate is to Jon. If you’ve seen it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Jon is like a shell of a man, which I guess is what happens when you have eight kids, but Kate definitely makes it worse.

But now there are rumors of a security guard catching Jon in the act of cheating on his wife, and I feel like screaming “Yes! Jon has his life back!”

I’m not saying cheating is a positive, but really, this is a Good Thing. And don’t tell me about how it’s bad because “What about the kids???” Do you think it’s better for kids to grow up in a house where the parents hate each other or one with just one parent?


So this is just to say, “Hello Jon. It’s nice to have you back among the living.”

Also, tell Kate her hair is weird.


Filed under Uncategorized



This card that I made sums up my feelings pretty well.


Filed under Uncategorized

either or

I often grapple with many difficult questions, such as why are my feet always so hot? Who told K-Fed that he should pursue a music career? Why don’t more people give more respect to the movie Taps?

While those are all great questions, arguably the hardest question I’ve ever tried to answer is who I like better, Batman or Superman. I know right away what the most of you are going to say. It’s Batman, and the only reason you might not vote for Batman is because they put nipples on his suit in Batman & Robin.

But I don’t think it’s that clear cut.

I think Superman is vastly underrated in the super hero realm and because of his Good Guy image, he gets a bad rap.

Here’s how I try and solve this dilemma:  Who would I rather go to a bar with?

At first it would seem that again, Batman is the easy choice. But life is never that easy.   If it was, I’d have my first book published and Eva Mendes would be all “Oh, you’re hot, do me!” at my book signing and I’d be all “Nah, it ain’t like that.”

If I was at a bar with Batman, all night long I’d be trying to keep up with his coolness, which is basically impossible. He’d be talking to women and I’d just be sitting there, bored out of my mind. All my guy friends wouldn’t want to hear my stories anymore, because let’s be honest, while the time I told a guy he looked like Crocodile Dundee is funny, it can’t compare to the 437 times Batman saved someone’s life.

While I’d be playing second fiddle to Batman, if I went to a bar with Superman, it’d be completely different. Because he’s such a nice guy, he’d make sure I was part of the conversation at all times, and even maybe give me one or two of his stories to pass off as my own.

Even with this thought out, I still cannot decide which super hero I like better. But at least I am certain of one thing, no matter which one I was with, we’d all end up making fun of Aquaman by the end of the night, and really, isn’t that what matters most?


Filed under Uncategorized

everything to worry about

Somewhere, George Bush is kicking himself over this whole Swine Flu episode.

He’s beside himself with anger over not getting the chance to rev up fear among the public by over-hyping something not that serious.  He definitely would have invented some sort of warning code system for this.

Level 1: Little piggy. Please stay calm, but not too calm. You might live.

Level 2: Porky Pig. Do not touch anything ever or breathe more than ten times in one hour. You are probably going to die.

Level 3: Bacon Bits. EVERYONE RUN! RUN SOMEWHERE SAFE FROM AIR! AND WATER! AND DIRT! You will die by the time you finish reading this warning.

I guarantee you that Bush has had to stop himself from calling Obama and telling him to flip out about Swine Flu before it goes away.

Back in the day, aside from launching completely unnecessary wars, destroying the economy and speaking unintelligibly, freaking out over health concerns was one of Bush’s favorite past times.

SARS was a great time for Bush, and Bird Flu?  Talk about fun!

Alas, those days of getting everyone too scared to think about the real issues are behind us, but something tells me Bush is still up to his old tricks.

When there’s no more milk in his fridge, my money is on Bush taping off the kitchen, calling Laura (who is upstairs) and telling her they might not make it past lunch, and giving a speech to his cat about the impending doom.

That sounds about right.


Filed under Uncategorized

come one come all


I’ve been without Internet all day, until right now. I was starting to lose my mind. I had to do things like “read the paper” and “interact with people” and let me tell you, it was as terrifying as it sounds. But it’s all good now.

Now for a Special Announcement:

Next Saturday, May 2nd, at 9:30, there will be a blogger meet-up here in the city. So any of you that can come, please do. You don’t have to be a blogger either, you can just come to point and laugh at me and the others. Okay, maybe just me, the others might get upset.

Anyway – we’ll be at Village Pourhouse in the East Village, corner of 11th and 3rd Avenue. Also, the fight will be shown, so no worries about that.

Below are the blogs of the people who are definitely coming, including me. So come out, as long as you don’t mind lots of drinking, yelling and maybe me challenging you to an arm wrestling match, even though you’ve told me to leave you alone.


Filed under Uncategorized

now you’re playing with power

In keeping with the theme of the previous post – an ad for Gameboy when it first came out. A couple of things:

  1. If I got to fight a robot head-to-head on a spooky planet and then shoot him with a laser that came out of my finger, you bet your fucking life I’d be playing more video games.
  2. I love how the voice-over explains that Gameboy comes with “the outrageous game of Tetris!” Tetris is many things, such as mind-numbingly boring and just a bunch of damn blocks falling, but it is not, in the least bit, outrageous.
  3. I want that jean jacket.
  4. That robot must be absolutely terrible at games, he lost in about 20 seconds. I bet whenever him and all his robot friends get together, he’s always picked last.


Filed under Uncategorized