off deck

I’m just going to come out and say it: I hate baseball.

I can’t stand anything about it.

I’ve tried and I’ve tried to get into it, and it just never works.  The thing is, I love pretty much every other sport there is: football, basketball, hockey, golf, tennis, that weird game they play in England that’s kind of like baseball but not really.

And the reason I hate baseball is not unique at all, I just find it extremely boring.

For those of you who don’t like sports (freaks), here’s what happens during a baseball game:

A batter walks up to the plate, then stands there.  The pitcher stands there looking at the catcher. Both scratch themselves.  Two minutes pass. The pitcher throws to the batter, who swings and misses.  They both decide that they better stand around some more before anything crazy, like some fucking action, happens again.  Two minutes pass.

This process repeats itself over and over again until someone wins or another team forfeits because their shortstop fell asleep.

Yes, sometimes there is a home run or a nice defensive play, but those things – those things that are the only thing fun about baseball – happen about three times a game.

It is the most boring sport ever.

I know what you’re thinking now. “Oh but you have to go to a game, it’s so much more fun!”  No.  No it’s not.  Here’s a news flash – all sports are more fun to watch live!  If baseball is already boring as hell, a live game is just above boring as hell, which is about the equivalent of eating lettuce, but you spiced it up with some salt!

Baseball is so terrible, that they even incorporate a period of time (the seventh inning stretch) so that people – because they’re bored out of their fucking minds – can stand up and remember what it means to be alive again!

So come on now – call me anti-American or whatever the fuck people always say when I tell them I hate baseball, I can take it.

It can’t be worse than having to watch a game.


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59 responses to “off deck

  1. baseball, and golf are one of the most boring sports i know. i’d rather watch basketball, football and soccer in that order. not that i like sports..

    At least you’re trying.

  2. I sort of feel that way about all sports.

    Sorry I’m such a freak.

    I still like you.

  3. bwp

    I sort of feel this way about all sports. However, football games are fun. Do I know what is happening? No. But I can just feel the excitement. On second thought, that might just be the beer.

    In the words of Kramer: “Here’s to feeling good all the time.”

  4. I can deal with games in person, but that is probably because I am always double fisting Miller Lite. it makes most things in life more palatable.

    Beer makes everything better.

  5. jay grochalski

    i respectfully disagree, but i will say baseball is not football. i miss football every day. but boring? i feel you…to me Hockey is the most boring sport on the planet. two hours of watching European dude ice skate back and forth with a puck that i can barely see on my screen all for the score of 1-0, or a tie. hockey is the sport that went away for a year and no one cared.

    Very good point – I think it’s probably a tie – hockey and baseball.

  6. Matt

    I hate it when people get all patriotic… like if you don’t like baseball and hot dogs that you are un-american.

    I like it but can’t stand watching it unless its the playoffs and I’m drunk. Other than that? under no circumstances do I care.

    There is no reason to care.

  7. I hear you, but when you grow up with Fenway, it’s just different somehow. Angry drunk Irish make everything fun.

    So you’re saying I make everything fun? Awesome.

  8. I agree. My friend Ben used to make me go to Twins games in college. I’d bring books & study during the games. He got mad at me, but since he couldn’t get anyone else to go with him, he really had no choice. Yep, that’s right: I’d rather STUDY than watch baseball.

    I believe it.

  9. i love baseball. i won’t lie. sometimes i even (gasp) watch it on TV.

    but Chicago is a baseball town and there’s really no getting around it. plus, i like drinking beer and eating veggie dogs.

    NY is a baseball town too, and they serve veggie dogs there? That’s awesome.

  10. Well first off Golf is not a sport. Fat old guys driving a golf cart are not “athletes”

    Neither are fat young guys who stand around waiting for something to happen for twenty minutes.

  11. My Dad always used to say “baseball is only slow to the slow.” I’m not sure I totally agree with that. I think a love of baseball comes from playing the game, I played through college so there are intricacies that make it really exciting to me, but at the same time I can understand why someone less involved would find it boring.

    The weird thing though is that football actually has longer pauses between plays, and they come just as frequently. In football theres a 45 second play clock, in baseball you have to throw a pitch within 30 seconds (although that rule is pretty loosely enforced). The only difference is that in football at the end of the 45 seconds you’re guaranteed 8-10 of action where as in baseball a pitch is thrown and you might not get guaranteed action.

    I agree with you about the non-playing aspect. I played hockey for almost ten years, and that’s why I can still appreciate the game, even when most people hate it. I never played baseball, unless T-Ball counts. And if it does, I hit some dingers in my day!

  12. If you don’t like baseball, then the terrorists have won!

    (Just kidding. Only slightly)

    I was waiting for this one.

  13. i hear you. i go for the social aspect, since 90% of my friends are baseball freaks and the other 10% pretend they are. it’s entertaining to watch them interact.

    No more pretending! Tell the truth people!

  14. Just A Girl

    Ooh I hate it. I like going to games in the summer because it’s a great way to work on my tan and get hammered and eat bigass soft pretzels, but as far as actually watching the game? No. There will be none of that. I played Tetris through 2 home runs in a row once. Didn’t even notice.

    Except I have a thing for a baseball player so I have to pretend to give slightly more than no shits about it. Like half a shit. Or one of those little rabbit turd shits.

    The rabbit turds are about the least you could care about something.

  15. I’ve ditched summer days at work in order to go to Twins games. Baseball is Dome Dogs with everything, beer, the crowd singing, and me being drunk in the middle of the day. Love it.

    You can be all of that anywhere though, why bore yourself?

  16. UNAMERICAN! Un I tell you! Seriously… You even have an outdoor stadium. I dare you to see the Giants play at home and tell me that baseball isn’t exciting! 🙂

    Hahaha – You mean the Yankees? You’re not seriously arguing for baseball and then referencing the wrong team, are you?

  17. I’ll admit baseball is boring. But that is the beauty of it, especially live. You can spend 3 hours out in the sun, drinking, eating, people watching, and discussing various topics baseball or not with friends and total strangers.

    Football on the other hand, is fairly intense. I’ve had season tickets for 4 years now and I don’t think I would recognize the guy sitting behind me if I ran into him on the street.

    Baseball, if I saw the person often enough, I could recognize. It’s the conversations at baseball that count.

    Exactly my point – it’s not the sport that you even like, it’s the social part. Thus all other sports > baseball.

  18. I’d like to second Lbluca. If you think baseball is boring, why the hell do they televise golf? A bunch of old fat guys and Tiger Woods smacking a small ball, walking, smacking a small ball, walking, smacking a small ball.

    You get the idea.

    I agree, baseball and golf are very similar, but I prefer the tension of a back nine any day.

  19. Pingback: I Walk In This World » Blog Archive » **snoozes**

  20. I’m a Padres fan, which means I know nothing about the sport, but I do know what it’s like to sit in the sunshine, eat fish tacos and drink beer. I like this very much.

    That sounds like heaven, sans baseball of course.

  21. In defense of baseball (and it’s a lame defense), at least you get to use words like “pop fly” and “shortstop”. This is pretty much the only thing I like about baseball. That, and the sippy-cup beer.

    Mmm… sippy cup.

  22. Funny, baseball is my favorite sport.

    Yeah, it’s the non-sports lovers sport.

  23. I hate the sport but love the Indians if that makes sense. I watch almost every single Tribe game the entire year and go to at least 20 games – but if you ask me to watch two other teams I will cut you. Seriously, dude, don’t do it. I’m serious this time. I’ll do it. I don’t even care, man.

    Hey, hey, I’m backing away from this comment as we speak… Just stay cool man, just stay cool.

  24. No baseball for me. I’m a football kinda gal. But my Hubster pretty much watches all sports, except hockey. This means I’m about to lose the biggest tv screen in the house again. Grrr…

    I feel for you.

  25. Stephanique1

    Baseball games are so boring that I once missed a fly ball because I was enjoying my Dippin’ Dots so much.

    Not that a fly ball is anything exciting….

    Not very interesting at all.

  26. Just Playing Pretend

    What’s baseball?


  27. Oh, timely posting!

    I was thisclose to posting my hatred of the baseballs today.

    Now I can just link over to your blog.

    Way to help a hater out.

    I’m always in favor of helping haters.

  28. baseball is my absolute least favorite sport to watch and you will never find my really full paying attention to it if it is on tv.

    BUT i LOVE going to indians game, but you see i never actually watch the games. basically you will find me at the batter’s eye bar drinking beer and eating a hot dog.

    i use any sport as an excuse to day drink.

    Right – you like everything but the game.

  29. I have to keep score during the games otherwise I’m day dreaming about making out with Ankiel and then I get all hot and sweaty because of the daydreaming and sitting in the sun then I start complaining because I’m uncomfortable and the score hasn’t changed in almost 40 minutes and my damn beer is warm.

    Umm….i guess I like baseball.

    You do?

  30. Red

    See, I like baseball. Partly b/c I’ve been watching it since I was about five, and I played Tee Ball and softball and I understand baseball. I’ve seen basketball and hockey, but they usually move too fast for me to understand what’s going on. I went to college at Florida State and then fell in love with a Steelers fan, so I like football pretty well these days.

    You should have seen the baseball game I saw at Miller Field one night. Two or three home runs, including a grand slam, AND a manager got tossed. All in the first two innings! Over the course of the game, there were 13-15 home runs, including one for the Brewers. Now THAT was a fun game.

    One in a million right there.

  31. meagank

    Portland is NOT a baseball town. Therefore, Spring time is more about getting drunk in the sun and like, rallying for social justice issues (rallies are much better in the Spring).

    Soon, however, MLS will be here. Which means a bunch of drunk, tiny Portlanders whose ten years playing soccer can finally be validated as a real sport. Is soccer season in the Spring? Oh, who am I kidding – I don’t fucking know.

    No reason for you to know.

  32. No I meant the Giants. In San Fran. It’s the most amazing baseball experience ever. Check out the stadium, built it on a pier. AND it smells like garlic, because they have the best garlic fries ever. Sun, water, ocean breeze, beer and garlic = perfect!

    That does sound good, everything except for the baseball.

  33. Oh and I assumed that you’d seen the Yankees, I was daring you to see the Giants!

    If you’re going for the best team, that would be the Twins. We won’t have a decent stadium until next year though, so don’t bother.

    I haven’t seen the Yankees. The only way I’d go is if someone gave me the tix for free.

  34. Commie.

    Proud of it!

  35. onewandering

    You forgot — if you *do* happen to make it to the end of The Most Boring Game in the Universe, and the teams are tied, baseball goes into extra innings. And not the kind of sudden death overtime like some sports where the next one to score wins, No! They have a full inning to play, so if they tie again? Another inning. Tie again? Another inning.

    It’s official and true: Baseball is the soul-sucking calamity of sports.


  36. it bores me to tears too

    horribly so.

    It doesn’t help anyone that it’s about 1,567 games per season too.

  37. Fussy

    What really kills me is how much money these fools make. How do I get a multi-million dollar paycheck for standing around scratching myself??

    Become a blogger!

  38. You are anti-American. I really like live baseball games.

    Maybe it’s the multiple beers I drink. Who knows really. Regardless it’s always a fun time.

    I am anti-boring yes, yes I am.

  39. the best thing about baseball is kenny powers!


  40. Hmmm. I kind of…love baseball. I think it’s a beautiful sport, but I can understand how most people find it boring.

    Football is still my favorite because there’s so much more action.

    I will fall asleep in a basketball game every time. It’s so boring to me. Maybe it’s because I don’t know anything about it, but it’s just a bunch of people running back and forth across a court over and over and over. I’d rather watch tennis.

    No way, I love basketball – second favorite to football.

  41. Katherine

    I would add soccer to the list of boring-ness. My family is a bunch of soccer fanatics, and just to make them happy, I watched a game.

    The players may be older, but it still looks just like it did when I was six. Just a bunch a people running after a ball.

    That sums it up pretty nicely.

  42. i love baseball games. to me it’s golf that’s incredibly boring. gah that takes forever.

    Golf is only worth watching when Tiger is playing.

  43. I’m watching the White Sox home opener at this very second.

    I fucking love baseball.

    You fell asleep after you made this comment, didn’t you?

  44. omg…I’d like Joshlos to read this! he’ll die!!!!!!!!

    Well, I don’t need any deaths tied to this blog. Aside from that one guy back in January. But he had it coming to him.

  45. The only things I like about baseball is the beer, the stadium food and talking to my friends instead of watching the game. So yeah, I say I like going to baseball games but really I don’t like it b/c of the game going on.

  46. Baseball does suck. But then again, so does basketball.

    I think I only like football. Er, and maybe tennis.

  47. I hate baseball as well. I only tag along to games with my friends for the free food. And the nap.

  48. I don’t understand how you can like golf and not baseball. I have to say golf is at least a hundred times more boring than baseball.

  49. Kez

    Don’t even get me started on those types of sports! I wrote a big post about hating the cricket a while back. It’s got the most hits out of ANY of my blog posts to date haha.

  50. KT

    I can’t watch baseball on tv, but games are always fun!! Probably because of all of the alcohol….

  51. I am so with you on baseball and I HAVE played it. But, at the same time, being the rabid cricket fanatic that I am, I can also appreciate that others watch and say, ‘when the FUCK is something gonna happen?’ So, while I do think baseball is boring and just can’t watch it, I can watch a whole FIVE DAYS of cricket – all for a draw – and have enjoyed myself immensely. Be thankful that baseball is finished in a day, I say.

  52. Geez…just when I was starting to like you! You go and post this!

    I’m glad Eric made the play timer point first. It saved me some typing! THANK YOU!

    I’m from the St. Louis metro area, soooo we are die-hard Cardinals fans! Come on now, we have the Rams & the Blues. I have to have someone to root for!

    Sorry, I love baseball (best), hockey & football! Just think of the extra time it allows you to drink! (BTW, the seventh inning stretch allows you to track down the beer man!)

  53. Football is so much fucking better. Only because of the Steelers though.

  54. I’m apparently supposed to have died from reading this. Actually, I didn’t. I died of old age back in 1932. Back when the game meant something and players didn’t play for multimillion dollar contracts and sporting goods commercials. Back then, they played for the love of the game. And booze. And chasing skirts.

    Also: baseball’s got mad strategies.

  55. Dude, you have never watched curling, aka. Canada’s shame.
    Google that shit.

  56. I guess I am a freak. I don’t watch sports on any kind of regular basis. I’ll watch soccer and boxing on occasion, but to me I’d rather be involved in a sport than sit there and watch it. If I am going to sit and watch something give me a good movie.

  57. I’ve fallen for the line about it being fun to watch in person. Most boring 4 hours of my life. Twice.
    Not even beer helps pass the time.

  58. Evan

    When it’s a close game, and there’s guys on base, that shit’s exciting. Bases loaded, full count: exciting. Gotta get 3 more outs, and the top of the order is coming up: possibly nervewracking. It’s just like most games tho, where you dont REALLY need to watch until the last 1/3. I mean, what’s going on in the first half of an NBA game that means absolutely anything to the outcome of the game? Football for that matter, almost. Steelers didnt even show up til the 4th quarter last year.

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