Most people, when presented with a problem, don’t feel like they know the absolute best way to solve it.
Just ask Vanilla Ice. He was convinced that he could solve the problem (if, in fact, there was one). Yet the only thing he could come up with was to tell us all to listen to more of his songs, which really only called our musical tastes into question.
Somehow though, when you get the hiccups, every single person within earshot of you is a Tactical Hiccup Annihilation Expert.
They always like to wait, though. They never start with their “can’t lose plan” right away. They like to have you come to them.
You’re sitting there, hiccuping like some kind of idiot, and eventually one of them can no longer contain themselves, and before you know it, ideas are flying at you faster than Sister Hazel‘s career peaked.
“Here’s what you do: grab your left wrist, recite the Constitution and then, only after all of this dude, drink two sips of water while thinking of your favorite pet.”
“Oh, no way man, this always works for me: Turn upside down, spin in three circles and hold your breath until you pass out.”
“What I do is stomp on the right foot of the first person I see wearing a blue shirt, yawn twice and then draw the best picture of a cat I can.”
The worst part about it is that you’re in no position to argue, because your entire life is now centered on the hiccups, which are arguably the worst thing that can ever happen to you, aside from having to meet new people when you’re sober.
So eventually, there you are jumping on one leg, yodeling and getting ready to drink water while sitting on top of your refrigerator, all because suddenly everyone knows the best way to solve this crisis.
Now, if you want to know what really works, here’s the deal: first, you’ll need two argyle socks and a poster of Gary Coleman…