the best way

Most people, when presented with a problem, don’t feel like they know the absolute best way to solve it.

Just ask Vanilla Ice.  He was convinced that he could solve the problem (if, in fact, there was one). Yet the only thing he could come up with was to tell us all to listen to more of his songs, which really only called our musical tastes into question.

Somehow though, when you get the hiccups, every single person within earshot of you is a Tactical Hiccup Annihilation Expert.

They always like to wait, though. They never start with their “can’t lose plan” right away.  They like to have you come to them.

You’re sitting there, hiccuping like some kind of idiot, and eventually one of them can no longer contain themselves, and before you know it, ideas are flying at you faster than Sister Hazel‘s career peaked.

“Here’s what you do: grab your left wrist, recite the Constitution and then, only after all of this dude, drink two sips of water while thinking of your favorite pet.”

“Oh, no way man, this always works for me: Turn upside down, spin in three circles and hold your breath until you pass out.”

“What I do is stomp on the right foot of the first person I see wearing a blue shirt, yawn twice and then draw the best picture of a cat I can.”

The worst part about it is that you’re in no position to argue, because your entire life is now centered on the hiccups, which are arguably the worst thing that can ever happen to you, aside from having to meet new people when you’re sober.

So eventually, there you are jumping on one leg, yodeling and getting ready to drink water while sitting on top of your refrigerator, all because suddenly everyone knows the best way to solve this crisis.

It’s unbelievable.

Now, if you want to know what really works, here’s the deal: first, you’ll need two argyle socks and a poster of Gary Coleman…

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48 Comments

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48 responses to “the best way

  1. Getting rid of hiccups is easy.

    What you’ll need is one Terrible Towel, one Premanti Bros sandwhich, and an Iron City beer.

    You can figure out the rest.

    Then win six super bowls and be the most dominant NFL franchise ever, right?

  2. Drink water and pull on your earlobes as you swallow.

    No!

  3. Matt

    If you got a problem, yo I’ll solve it, somethin something somethin while my dj revolves it.

    Check out the hook.

  4. CapriceClassic

    Normally I would take your advice, Chris, but I dunno about this one. Pictures of Gary Coleman are usually vomit-inducing – which in turn would STOP hiccups – OMG – YOU’RE RIGHT! I’ll never doubt you again.

    I’m a genius.

  5. Here’s what really works:

    Are you ready?

    Brace yourself…

    Here goes:

    WAITING IT OUT.

    That’s crazy talk!

  6. ice ice baby!

    Damn right.

  7. he was amazing in ninja turtles.

    Go ninja go ninja go!

  8. Just scare the person.

    Now explain to me how does one get rid of yawns because they have attacked me this morning and are not going away.

    Crack.

  9. drink a glass of sugar water, heavy on the sugar.

    hiccups may not be medicine, but mary poppins knew her shit about sugar helping people.

    She was such a whore. Wait, I meant that about someone else.

  10. This is what you do….NOTHING!
    besides drinking plenty of water, I don’t see why why you should be twirling north, east, south, west, yodelling, pulling your hair left then right, grabbing your left wrist, drawing your cat and dancing in the shower! I don’t.

    Yes.

  11. I always just hold my breath until I pass out. When and if I wake up, hiccups are the least of my worries.

    Exactly, you’re too busy wondering why you have no pants on.

  12. Hiccups are no match for the Thunder Cats. That’s right, I said it.

    Lion-O laughs at the hiccups.

  13. Just A Girl

    JP – TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA MOTHERFUCKINGAWESOMEASS TURTLES.

    Fuck the thundercats. Yeah, I said it.

    Also, I eat packets of sugar. Not for hiccups or anything.

    I think that’s a good thing.

  14. Have I told you lately that I love you?

    Well, I do.

    I love you.

    And here’s why:

    “the worst thing that can ever happen to you, aside from having to meet new people when you’re sober.”

    Hahahahahaha!

    Thanks! Now please name your baby after me.

  15. Here’s the thing, was Ice telling us to check out his hook while the DJ revolves it as a solution to the problem, or was he saying just chill and listen to the song while Ice takes care of the problem for you?

    That is one of lifes great questions actually.

    I am going to think about this all day now.

  16. bwp

    I bet Robocop never gets the hiccups. And if he did, he wouldn’t need anyone’s help. He would just call the hiccups “creep” and they would be on their way. But you already know this, don’t you?

    Of course I did. But it’s makes me happy that you knew as well.

  17. Hahahaha! So true. When at the mercy of hiccups, my coworker insists upon inflicting various blows and squeezes upon my body while I am supposed to be taking deep breaths.

    I think your coworker doesn’t like you.

  18. Dane and I almost get divorced every time he gets the hiccups because they annoy me so much and they make him laugh which annoys me to the point where I want to punch him in the face.

    It’s going to be a long life.

  19. Hahahaha…..I am never coming near you when I get hiccups!

    Good idea.

  20. Me, I just sleep with someone. Oh wait no, that’s just for fun.

    You are wise.

  21. Okay, that’s the most true statement ever. EVERYONE knows how to cure hiccups if they are someone else’s. What I would like to know is where are those people when they have their own case of the hiccups, hm? Why don’t you ever see those people shoveling down granulated anything (sugar, salt, sand–you just need the granulation MAN!) while doing the hokey pokey to cure their OWN hiccups?

    Right! If they’re such experts, why can’t they stop them?

  22. Okay, I have the argyle socks and the gary coleman poster. Now what?

    Now comes the bad part. Take off your pants and imagine Gary doing bad things to you.

  23. Sex cures everything. Just make sure you’re doing it vigorously, not all lovey dovey and shit with tender kisses.

    Or perhaps punching random people. One is bound to karate chop you in the throat.

    But seriously, put up a video of you trying the remedies out. *giggle*

    I will try my best to do that.

  24. Sarah

    just pull my finger.

    As long as it doesn’t stink.

  25. Maybe listening to Vanilla Ice and Sister Hazel at the same time, while trying to sing along?

    That’s like hell on earth.

  26. i always think that having the hiccups is the worst thing ever too, but then suddenly they disappear. and i never notice the exact moment in which i switch from hiccup-er to non-hiccup-er.

    It’s a complete mystery.

  27. k8

    What’s Gary Coleman going to DO to me? Then I’ll ask for the remedy.

    He does a lot of naughty, naughty things. I know, it’s bad. But it works!

  28. I actually met Vanilla Ice once. True story. I even have a picture with him.

    I think he poured a beer on me because I was in the front row.

    Wow…why am I telling this story?

    Because it’s awesome!

  29. my puppy dog had the hiccups this morning…I thought about trying to scare her or putting a cold can of coke on her neck or holding her upside down…but then she gave me “the white eye” and I decided to let her work it out. And she laid her head down and went to sleep.

    She died???

  30. yanno how people like to try and “scare” them away?

    that tactic annoys the PISS out of me because there’s nothin’ scary about some douche nugget telling you they’ll scare you because then you already KNOW they’re trying and are all prepared and the plan just falls apart.

    ….

    Yeah, it’s not the smartest idea.

  31. longredcape

    Hold your breath until you die.

    No more hiccups!

    Best idea yet.

  32. I thought getting drunk and yelling got rid of hiccups? You must have them a lot.

    Yes, I actually do get them a lot.

  33. jay grochalski

    when someone hiccups i have the urge to punch them in the throat…but usually i shake my head at them in frustration for being bodily weak, and i move away.

    People who are bodily weak are losers.

  34. i honestly could not read past the sister hazel reference, because that was a big hilarious truth bomb you just dropped on my day. are you going to dig up vertical horizon next?

    you went deep, my friend.

    Ha – I heard this on the radio when I was traveling the past weekend, and thus, it stuck in my mind. Important dates like birthdays? Gone. Obscure 90’s songs? There forever.

  35. I get hiccups every time I drink something really cold or really hot. But usually just one or two.

    I do usually stand on my head while drinking water from an upside-down glass through a backward straw while singing the theme from Xanadu. But that’s just for fun.

    Of course.

  36. i love you, man.

    I get that a lot.

  37. Where the hell do you come up with this stuff? You have more random shit to talk about on your blog than anyone … ever.

    By the way, patience works, too, for getting rid of the hiccups. You know, just waiting it out. There’s a thought.

    I have no idea, the stuff is just every day kind of crap.

  38. The only reason everyone’s “cures” work is because it makes you forget about your hiccups. THAT’S the real cure.

    I know, which is weird, because that doesn’t work in any other facet of your life. Like, I’d love to forget about my shitty job and have it disappear, but that doesn’t seem to work.

  39. Gary Coleman? Not Gary Cole? I really don’t want a picture of an African American midget. I could get one of the boss from Office Space. At least that reference is only a few years old.

  40. I wish I had brilliant hiccup-curing advice. But all I do is stand on my head while reciting the names of everyone I know in alphabetical order and giving myself a pediicure.

  41. aahhahahhaha

    but seriously, I’ll tell you what REALLY WORKS

    ahahhahaha

    TRY to hiccup. TRY IT …I bet you can’t.

  42. Ok, so what I usually do is make out with a midget, then stand on my head while singing Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” in a high pitched voice, until one of my eyeballs pops out and that usually works. Promise. Gets them every time =)

  43. What you need to do is move to Australia. They remove the hiccup gene as soon as you touch down.

  44. so true and so annoying.

  45. I think alot of the time its just all in your head. Just will it to go away and it will. Though drunk hiccups never dissapear.

  46. Excellent topic!

    Shot of lime juice works every time.

  47. The only way to get rid of hiccups is to wait them out. AND I KNOW EVERYTHING SO LISTEN TO ME.

  48. Kez

    I don’t give people advice. I just point and laugh at them.
    Compassion fail.

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