two questions for you because your sister drinks too much

There’s been a lot in the news about pirates lately, with the ship that was just hijacked along with several others before it. This raised awareness has brought two questions to my mind:

  1. The crew that was just hijacked has regained control of the ship from the pirates, but (as of right now) they somehow forgot to rescue their captain.  The captain is the best crew member on the ship! How do you not rescue your captain??? When constructing the plan, the first thing they should have done was figure out how to rescue their captain.  It just doesn’t make any sense. They took back the ship, but neglected to rescue the best guy there.  That’s like going to pick up women at a bar, but leaving your best looking friend at home. Without him around to guide you in the right direction, no matter what you think will happen, you’re not going to accomplish your goal.
  2. The more and more I hear about pirates, the more and more I think about this Important Question: Who would win in a fight – a pirate or a ninja?  To me, this is a more difficult question than how to solve the economy (hey Obama – there’s a reason the number one question asked during the web conference was if you were going to legalize pot – because it would work dumbass). The pirate, because he is so reckless by nature, would take chances that the ninja would not expect, thus giving him an upper-hand. The ninja, on the other hand, is the very opposite of the pirate: precise, patient, detail-oriented and stealth-like. The ninja’s patience, I believe, is the key to the battle.  While the pirate grows increasingly annoyed (and thus increasingly drunk) waiting for the battle to begin, the ninja bides his time devising the best way to attack the pirate. Then, when the pirate is in his most Keith Richards-like state, the ninja strikes. The battle would be epic, but in the end, my pick is the ninja.

Now that I’ve given you Two Very Important Things To Think About for the rest of the day, I have to tell you that I won’t be around tomorrow. Apparently Jesus loves me and he made tomorrow Good Friday in my honor, therefore I have the day off.  I will see you on Monday people.  Actually, I won’t see you.  Unless you’re that person who keeps digging through my trash.  If that’s the case, please take my old boxer briefs off of your head. It’s weird.


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47 responses to “two questions for you because your sister drinks too much

  1. i’d definitely go ninja. though if it were me fighting, i’d like to be the pirate. the drunkenness would allow any painful injuries to be ignored or entirely unnoticed.

    Good idea.

  2. idontliketoread

    1. This is why no one ever forgets to bring me out.

    2. Ninja every time. But I do consider myself a pirate-esk person. Ya know, the drinking and reckless behavior.

    1. Preaching to the choir.
    2. Right, same here. Though I feel like I could fucking kill someone and no one would know. If need be that is.

  3. Ninja. When in doubt, always bet on the ninja. Also, I can’t see the word “captain” without thinking of William Shatner as Captain Kirk. This either makes me an idiot or a nerd. Or both.

    I think it’s a little of both.

  4. I’ve always wanted to be a Ninja. Only because I’m short and need to make up for my lack of height by kicking ass.

    Jesus loves me more since I won’t be at work tomorrow AND Monday.

    Damn you Jesus! What a two-timing hussy he is!

  5. jay grochalski

    the thing that depresses me the most about these pirates is that no one wears and eye patch. no one has a wooden leg or a parrot….and where in the hell are all the good pirate names like Long John Silver, Black Beard, or Roberto Clemente?

    Andy Van Slyke!
    Doug Drabeck!

  6. Am I the only one jealous of the people on the pirate boat? How cool of a story is that?

    And the ninja would win. They can break boards with their forehead so the pirate’s peg leg doesn’t stand a chance.

    I am totally jealous dude. If someone doesn’t make a movie out of this, we can just kiss humanity goodbye.

  7. first off, the captain sacrificed himself for the rest of the crew so that’s how… and not to worry the Navy Seals are probably already on the boat slitting pirate throats.

    and in this day and age a pirate would win, no question. they now carry automatic weapons. no contest when it comes to that or a throwing star.

    If the pirates are so great and unstoppable with their guns, how the fuck do they get overtaken by a crew with no weapons at all???

  8. hmmmm im gonna have to go with pirate. as long as they have an eye patch. If not, their coolness factor dropped about 5 points therefore the ninja wins.

    have you entered my giveaway?

    Ninja wins!

  9. Matt

    I’ve never really like Pirates or stories that have to do with pirates.

    I would even go so far as to say I hate them.

    I can see that, they are pretty annoying.

  10. Red

    Ninja hands down and maybe the captain was an ass so they decided they didn’t want him.


  11. pirate vs. ninja is a fight me and Aaron always had.

    I say pirate. They have hooks. And crooked teeth.

    Crooked teeth are pretty scary.

  12. I’m just wondering that if the Captain really is The Best Guy on the ship then how did him manage to get himself captured in the first place?

    Maybe he’s a total boob and the crew is just like, “take the Captain. He sucks anyway! Maybe we can finally get some shit done around here.”

    PS: I’d like to see a pirate and a ninja in a drinking contest.

    That would be the best contest ever.

  13. I’d pick the ninja!


  14. Maybe the captain was a douche? And no one wanted to save his ass?

    Maybe the assistant captain wanted to try his hand at running things for a while. Mutiny! In the middle of a hijacking. Now that’s an awesome story.

    Man, someone make this a movie!

  15. Here’s something sad — this is the most I’ve learned about the pirate take over since it happened.


    Better than Fox, I suppose.

    A lot better.

  16. I am a big fan of the pot legalization fix. I would so open a pot bodega, like immediately. I no longer partake, you know kids and all, but I would totally make a dollar off of some stoners!

    My store would probably also sell Cheetos, Pepsi and baked goods.

    I want to go to your store.

  17. 1. If the pirate is anything like Jack Sparrow, I can bet he will outwit the ninja!

    2. In my native language, Good Friday is called Sad Friday! I wonder who is in charge of naming things in different languages. Hmmm….if only I had that power vested in me…..

    (thoughtful silence)

    I’m thinking too.

  18. Tim

    It depends. Are we talking about these retarded modern day pirates that get overtaken by a bunch of sailors without weapons?

    Yes, I know, what a bunch of idiots, right? I mean, shoot the damn crew!!!

  19. CapriceClassic

    I’d call it a draw! They both have fighting skills that cancel eachother’s out. Besides that, the ninja can only be a ninja under the cover of night and shadows. A pirate don’t need no stinking night or shadows to be a pirate – all he needs is a ship, a dead man’s chest and a bottle of rum.

    Now if you paired the 2 against eachother in a game of badminton, I’d say the ninja would win!

    I don’t understand badminton.

  20. All I can picture is Jack Sparrow fighting Donatello.

    Ya know. The TMNT (teenage mutant ninja turtle).

    Drunk pirate with a lisp vs. turtle with purple eye scarf AND fighting sticks.

    It would be 1 good fight.

    I’m not gonna lie. It’s a fun mental image.

    Try it.

    I’d rather go with Raphael, who as everyone knows, is the best Ninja Turtle. Raph would kick his ass.

  21. NINJAS. Cuz they’re my peeps.

    And I have to agree with previous comments that this particular Captain was probably not The Best Guy. I think more often than not it’s like saying the boss is The Hardest Worker at the job. Ideally, yes, that’s how it should be. But realistically, it’s highly unlikely.

    Good point.

  22. 1. Perhaps the crew of the ship was disgruntled and planning a mutiny. The fact that their boat was hijacked was seredipitous. They now have an easy way to get rid of the captain without getting into any sort of trouble with whatever maritime authority governs these sorts of things.

    2. I think I could take a pirate. I think pirates act all swashbuckling and haughty but really their strength is in numbers and the element of surprise. One on one pirates aint got shit. Hence a ninja wins that fight every time.

    1. Yes, maybe they were in on it!
    2. I completely agree.

  23. NikkiNichole

    Screw the pirates and ninjas… I wanna know who’s sister you’re talking about!

  24. I have to go with ninjas.

    Who didn’t want to be one back in the day? My dad had those damn stars as well that he’d practice throwing. He would try to get us to stand in front of a wooden pole and swear he could land it right above our head. Thankfully, we weren’t dumb enough to stand there and lose an eye, not that he would have really thrown it … or would he?

  25. bwp

    I am glad you chose ninjas because otherwise I don’t know if I could be your internet friend anymore.

    Pirates would probably (definitely) be way more fun to hang out with, though.

  26. Just A Girl

    I think you made a very compelling argument for the ninja side. Since I’ve already thought about several Important Things today, I’m going to side agree with you.

    Also, why would you bring your best looking guy friend? That just means he’s gonna get the ladies first. If you’re (the generic you, not the specific) really ugly, he’s probably just gonna end up with a threesome.

  27. …No idea what HUYGFR is…

  28. Nahhh…the pirate would win…ninjas are respectful and act with chivalry…pirates don’t.

  29. I saw Beverly Hills ninja. If Chris Farley is involved then yes.

    Yes to what?

    hilarity, thats what.

  30. When I first heard of the pirate story I immediately started day dreaming of Johnny Depp and Keira Knightly.

    Not the right pirates?

    In that case, I go with ninjas. I’m a big fan of black…and deodorant.

  31. I am going ninja on this one. Because pirates can be weird and gay (see Johnny Depp). Ninja’s are just pure stealth and skill. Hired assassins always win!

  32. The ninja would totally win. Hands down. Unless the pirate shot him w/ a cannon ball first.

    If you were a ship captain you could use the line:
    “Have any Captain in ya?”
    “Well, do you want some?”


  33. The crew needs to watch the movie “Pirates of the Caribbean” to get some pointers on how to rescuse their captain. Yes sir, that is the answer.

    On the ninja vs. pirate thing, I’d vote for pirate…you don’t hear about ninja’s going around taking over ships, right? Therefore pirates have more hands-on experience.

  34. I have no answer for you on the first question – it boggles the mind.

    The second question, however, is easy: a pirate. Hello?! He has a sword!

  35. Cin

    1. the crew was tricked. word on the harbor is:
    the crew captured one of the hijackers. they tried to reason with a trade off. the captain for the hijacker. the crew failed to realize that they were dealing with pirates and gave them their guy. obviously, the pirates kept the captain.

    2. more importantly, who came first? the ninja or the pirate?

  36. you have good friday off? and you hate me because richard marx performed at my office?

  37. Kez

    I choose not to guess who would win – pirates or ninjas? It’s one of those things that I hope never to solve. I want it to be one of those eternally mysterious wonders.

  38. Pirate.

    His awful breath would knock out the ninja.

  39. A pirate. Because his parrot would poop in the ninja’s eye and then BAM! Gotcha!

  40. 1. Mutiny on the bounty is what it’s all about.

    2. I’m going to have to go with the pirate due to Rum numbness.

  41. I have an ankle that creaks and pops when I walk sporadically. So therefore, I could never be a ninja. Which is unfortunate, because I think that ninja would win, hands down.

  42. J

    Maybe the captain was just a giant jackass?

    Maybe they all voted and were like, “Pete the Captain is kinda a jackass. Who wants to just like…leave him?”

  43. You’re fucking crazy, the pirate easily wins. Ninjas are homos who dance around in pajamas. Pirates drink, kill, and pillage.

    Pirate with a pistol easily kills the ninja.

  44. You’re fucking crazy, the pirate easily wins. Ninjas are nancies who dance around in pajamas. Pirates drink, kill, and pillage.

    Pirate with a pistol easily kills the ninja.

  45. Oh well, thought about getting rid of that blatantly anti-gay sentiment in the first post, but it wasn’t to be.

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