he never really left

Admit it – you were wondering where Dan Cortese has been.

You remember watching him on MTV Sports and thinking, “That guy has the best job in the world, and he even gets to act like a complete jack ass while doing it.”

Man do I miss the days where wearing a bandana was socially acceptable.

Man do I miss the days where wearing a bandanna was socially acceptable.

You loved the Seinfeld episode where Cortese plays George’s man crush Tony, the only Cool Guy George has ever been friends with. When Cortese tells George to “Step off” it made you smile. You thought: “Dan Cortese is someone I’d really like to have in my life.”

But then poof!

He disappeared.

But why do you read this blog? No, not because you’re lonely and have a job that makes you want to gut yourself, because I help you!

I found Dan Cortese. That’s right! While you were out living your life and Doing Things, I found that missing link, that whole in your heart, that hunk of a man that sometimes replaces your significant other in fantasies which is weird because you normally don’t like brunettes.

He’s about to star in a new show pitting athletes and “celebrities” against each other, called The Superstars.

There you have it.

You have Dan Cortese back in your life, all thanks to me. I don’t want gifts and I don’t want applause. I simply want to be able to wear a bandanna and have you say I look great.

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33 Comments

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33 responses to “he never really left

  1. The Bricklayers! Isn’t that from those celeb pick up games MTV used to orchestrate? Those were the simpler days, before Tila Tequila took over the channel.

    Yes it is! Dan had a money jumper.

  2. You look great.

    I knew it!

  3. Ah – the one that got away.

    I mean…um…chainsaws and man stuff.

    Yes, breaking things and sports.

  4. Will he still be wearing a bandanna for his new job? Inquiring minds want to know.

    Yes, of course.

  5. Um, is he still hot? That’s really all I care about.

    Is water wet? You know it girlfriend!

    Sorry.

  6. Deb

    “Chris, you look fantastic in that bandana!! It really brings out the color of your eyes!” (Too much? That was too much, wasn’t it? Whatever. I’m just glad you’re still blogging … so I’m happy to offer you a little slightly-insincere fawning if that’s what it takes to keep you at the keyboard. I mean, you know, blogging . . . not doing that stuff you get paid to do.)

    Well thank you. Blogging is more fun than my job anyway.

  7. Does he still look as good now as he does in that picture? Cause I will for sure watch.

    He looks as beautiful as a summer day. Or a summer day with 37 beers. Or the Knicks winning a ring. Or, uh, something else.

  8. Damn! I can’t even have man crushes without getting kneecapped by Hubster. Men!

    Jeez! So many fuggin’ shows. When in the hell will you get yours? You must be funnier (and scarier?) in the flesh.

    I am probably just the same in terms of funny in real life, since I talk exactly like what I write, but I am definitely more drunk.

  9. Just A Girl

    I have no idea who that is. And I don’t actually have tv, so I will probably continue to not know who he is. Is this an age thing, or the result of not having cable until I was like, 18?

  10. My job makes me want to gut myself with my letter opener.

    It’s like you speak right to my soul, Chris.

  11. Thanks, my life is now complete knowing where Dan Cortese (or was it Cor-tay-see?) will reappear gainfully employed.

    Wait, I still need to find out what Downtown Julie Brown and doing. And what about that 90-year old dude who was on MTV since the dawn of civilization?

  12. Matt

    “But why do you read this blog? No, not because you’re lonely and have a job that makes you want to gut yourself, because I help you!”

    yeah, but mostly because I am lonely and have a job that makes me want to gut myself.

  13. I sort of figure he was hitting 10 run home runs or making 25 point shots on 30′ basket with Jesus in that big Rock ‘n Jock game in the sky. Good to know he’s still around, participating in knock off Rock ‘n Jock competitions.

    Maybe he can parlay this into some kind of hosting gig with Mario Lopez. And maybe they can bring Eric Nies along for the ride.

  14. You TOTALLY help me. You are right, this is why I continue to read.

  15. bwp

    I wore a bandanna yesterday so you can just go to hell.

  16. CapriceClassic

    You don’t have to be socially accepted – you’re Motha-fuckin Chris, damn it! You can wear whatever the hell you want and MAKE it look good – so there ya go!

    Now, who’s this Cortese guy? I’ve never heard of him, but thank you for bringing him back into my life?

  17. jay grochalski

    i can’t believe that Jerk was from Pittsburgh.

  18. i’ve always had fantasies involving Dan Cortese & Simon Rex (not always at the same time)
    with Simon the solo gay porn thing kinda turned me off for a while, but i got over it
    for Dan it was that show he did with Kirstie Alley, i thought maybe she ate him and that’s where he’s been

  19. Can I give you a list of other past celebs I miss and have you find them for me too? You could make money doing this, ya know.

  20. I want MTV to bring back the Rock-n-Jock sports!

  21. If you wear a bandana on the 2nd I will buy you a drink.

  22. nic

    Actually? A friend and I were just talking about MTV in the olden days and Dan Cortese and Daisy Fuentes came up…I always thought they were going to get married for some reason, but clearly he’s still living The Dream the Dan Cortese Way…

  23. You can wear whatever you want on your head. As long as his arms look like that, I’m happy.

  24. You look great. That bandana really brings the asshole out of your eyes.

  25. I’m not going to lie. My friends and I had a huge conversation about Rock and Jock basketball last week. Let’s bring it back.

    50 point basket!

  26. He was a very pretty pretty boy.

  27. He looks like he’s from jersey.

    Is he?

  28. AND he’s on the Bob Saget sitcom. You’re welcome.

  29. andddddd he’s back! i wonder if he’s still greasy? and/or still wears a bandanna?

  30. you look great anyway – bandanna or no.

  31. Robbie has read this blog and Robbie thought it amusing.

  32. You look great!

    ahhh…today’s good deed is done.

  33. Is it bad that I never really wondered where Dan Cortese went? I might have actually been glad he was MIA.

    Oh, and he was on What I Like About You with Jennie Garth for a while. Back in the day. I didn’t watch that. I heard about it from a friend…’s little sister. Shit.

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