When I was a sophomore in high school, the Internet was very new. Only my friends with parents who had great jobs had this mystical thing that, according to the legend, had unlimited amounts of porn on it.
If porn was my number one concern when the Internet hit, chat rooms were easily the second. Luckily, my friend J.P. had a computer and his dad had an AOL account, so when we bored, we’d go onto chat rooms and talk with people.
Now, you have to understand something about J.P. and I – we were not what one would call Mature or even Okay In The Head, and really, we still aren’t. So when we would go onto these AOL chat rooms, we weren’t going on to make friends and engage in new and exciting things.
No, we were going on to fuck with people.
The most memorable time was when we logged on and started telling people that they sucked. We fired off a “You all suck!” salvo to test the waters, then waited. Nothing.
Then, of course, we pushed the envelope. We decided that all caps was in order and shouted at the Internet world “WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH LOSERS???”
Well, that got some people’s attention. Right away people started firing back at us, everything from the age old tactic of calling us “bitches” to pointing out the obvious – that we were in the chat room too, and also yelling nonsense, so that made us the biggest losers of all.
Of course none of that worked and only provoked us.
We then opted for “We’re going to kill all of you and your dog!” To which several people inevitably replied that they did not, in fact, even own a dog. They must have underestimated our collective brilliance however, because we immediately yelled back “YES YOU DO!!!”
Amazing does not even begin to describe it.
We got booted out of the chat room right after that, and J.P.’s dad’s AOL got suspended because of that fateful day.
I can’t help but wonder what his dad thought when hearing that his son and his friend had yelled at people in a chat room about killing people’s imaginary dogs. I bet it was something laced with swear words and disappointment.
Now that we’re older and the Internet is not such A Thing anymore, J.P. and I have changed our ways, but only slightly. Because we’ll still kill imaginary dogs, and if we’re pushed, hamsters too.