you’ve got problems

When I was a sophomore in high school, the Internet was very new. Only my friends with parents who had great jobs had this mystical thing that, according to the legend, had unlimited amounts of porn on it.

If porn was my number one concern when the Internet hit, chat rooms were easily the second. Luckily, my friend J.P. had a computer and his dad had an AOL account, so when we bored, we’d go onto chat rooms and talk with people.

Now, you have to understand something about J.P. and I – we were not what one would call Mature or even Okay In The Head, and really, we still aren’t. So when we would go onto these AOL chat rooms, we weren’t going on to make friends and engage in new and exciting things.

No, we were going on to fuck with people.

The most memorable time was when we logged on and started telling people that they sucked. We fired off a “You all suck!” salvo to test the waters, then waited. Nothing.

Then, of course, we pushed the envelope. We decided that all caps was in order and shouted at the Internet world “WHY ARE YOU ALL SUCH LOSERS???”

Well, that got some people’s attention.  Right away people started firing back at us, everything from the age old tactic of calling us “bitches” to pointing out the obvious – that we were in the chat room too, and also yelling nonsense, so that made us the biggest losers of all.

Of course none of that worked and only provoked us.

We then opted for “We’re going to kill all of you and your dog!” To which several people inevitably replied that they did not, in fact, even own a dog.  They must have underestimated our collective brilliance however, because we immediately yelled back “YES YOU DO!!!”

Amazing does not even begin to describe it.

We got booted out of the chat room right after that, and J.P.’s dad’s AOL got suspended because of that fateful day.

I can’t help but wonder what his dad thought when hearing that his son and his friend had yelled at people in a chat room about killing people’s imaginary dogs. I bet it was something laced with swear words and disappointment.

Now that we’re older and the Internet is not such A Thing anymore, J.P. and I have changed our ways, but only slightly. Because we’ll still kill imaginary dogs, and if we’re pushed, hamsters too.


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41 responses to “you’ve got problems

  1. Matt

    I’m guilty for doing the exact same thing…

    but I would usually start off by calling them fat or bald or something. Murdering people didnt happen until everyone was already good and pissed.

    It’s so much fun.

  2. i’m sure JP’s dad could have tried to get a new account with one of the 57 AOL CDs that came in the mail the next year.

    Haha – good point.

  3. idontliketoread

    me and my dad had a long convo that night about how he was afraid this sort of behavior would lead me to… well, the life I’m living. now I’m gonna go yell at people on twitter.


  4. idontliketoread

    or my dad and I, if you’re into that kinda thing


  5. Oh I so remember the day my parents got a computer. My life has never been the same. The chat rooms were the best. I would not be surprised if I chatted with you and JP.

    Sorry about that if you did.

  6. My friend and I used to go into old people chatrooms and talk about ointment. We also one time convinced some people that my friend was Taylor Hanson and I was Taylor’s BFF. We were awesome when we were 11.

    Now, not so much?

  7. *shoves Ollie into his pink plastic hamster ball and rolls him Far Away from Chris*

    **and JP**

    He can’t hide from us!

  8. You don’t have to kill hamsters. They take care of themselves. Cannibalizing mother fuckers.

    Dogs though? Yeah. Kill ’em all.

    I had a hamster named Rambo that killed the two other hamsters he lived with. Ate one’s head and the others side. It was pretty cool.

  9. The funniest term I’ve heard lately for Not Okay in the Head is Mentally Hilarious.

    Do you not love that?

    I think it was on Family Guy.

    Oh, I like that too.

  10. My bff’s sister talked to a married old guy named “Spanky” every night. Yup, you guessed it – on webcam, he’d spank it for you.

    Damn that was funny.

    Good guy.

  11. Substitute internet for cable and you’ve got my growing up in a nutshell. Am I right 30-somethings? Who remembers life without a remote?!?

    Yeah, I didn’t have cable for awhile, so I know what you’re saying.

  12. Because I grew up in an isolated backwater, the Internet was actually pretty damn common even when I was in junior high. Seriously, I think I started my first blog (read: LiveJournal) in ’98 or something.

    You’d think after 11 years I’d be able to, you know, write something worthwhile. Alas.

    Keep trying!

  13. CapriceClassic

    So does all this “extra posting” mean that you’re no longer going to take the time to respond to all of us individually? If so, I don’t like this new trade off – I want the old Chris back! *stomps feet and storms out of the room* I would slam the door, but I don’t have one – it’s an archway. : (

    Did you go back and look? I commented on pretty much every single one. And this one.

  14. Just A Girl

    Better than my sister…she used to get on AOL when she was like, 13 or 14 and get guys to “cyber” with her. Then when they said shit like “I’m gonna cum” she’d write “I just shit in your face!” and block them.

    To Catch A Predator….psht. They needed to catch my sister.

    But some people like getting shitted on.

  15. I used to spend HOURS fucking with the christians in their chat rooms.

    Does this surprise you in any way?

    Anyway, off to Kath Eats to yell at her some more.

    Tell her to drink an entire glass of wine one time. Just once.

  16. I’m so proud of the progression of the internet… watching porn on dial-up was THE WORST!!!


  17. Ben

    My parents put CyberPatrol or some porn-blocking BS on our internet when we got it. LAME.

    Your parents are pure evil.

  18. God – don’t remind me of the days I had to download porn at 28.6 kbs.

    I’m sorry.

  19. @narm, I still have 28.6k. It’s sweet. not.


    what are you wearing.

    You do? Oh man, I feel for you.

  20. I like picturing this story as I read it because I think JP is hot and the mental image of you trying to piss off a bunch of strangers while huddled around a computer key board is really funny. Didn’t you have houses you could TP or anything?

    JP is ugly.

  21. Ah, those were the days. Oh, and I loved when guys were all trying to hump the computer screen.
    We thought we were so funny. We’d lead them on for a little while, and then blast ’em with “I’m 4’3″, 302 lbs. and ready for love.”

    I don’t think they thought it was that funny, but I and my girlfriends were pretty smug with ourselves.

    Yeah, I think that happened a lot.

  22. I wonder if the few people who still use AOL use the chatrooms, too.

    I hope so.

  23. I’m pretty sure I was tormented by you about a decade ago…


    You’ll never see him again!

  24. Stephanique1

    I still have Windows ME, AOL, and only got rid of dial-up a few weeks ago.

    Now if you will excuse me, I have some rating on to do.

    Give me a good rating!

  25. That’s what cool kids do in the early regime of internet. Did you do MIRC too? oh god lol

    I have no idea what that is.

  26. longredcape

    You know how people used to have “cybersex”? Well, my high school boyfriend used to “cyber-rape” people.

    Even at 15, I had fantastic taste in men.

    That sounds hot.

  27. Alice

    I had to de-lurk for this one… it totally brought me back to sophomore year of high school. One of my friends scored an advanced copy of a tour book for your favorite band, Bush. She also had a new-fangled invention called a “scanner.”

    So, we “scanned” the candid pics and convinced people that I was dating Gavin. It’s amazing how easy that was to pull off…

    Haha – that is great!

  28. I remember one night me and one of my friend’s boyfriends were online and bored so decided to go into some dodgy sex chatroom and wind up some people. I could never look the guy in the eye again after that night…

    Don’t be ashamed.

  29. saratogajean

    What are your thoughts on pet tarantulas? I’d totally fuck a pet tarantula up, AOL chat room or no.

    That’s how I roll.


  30. So young to be so full of hatorade.

  31. *sigh* I remember those days, I used to take those chat rooms so seriously. And was always lost as to why I couldn’t follow the conversations going on. Now I know why, because of people like you, type-shouting random things!! grrr. damn you!! Thank God the internet has upgraded and we can just blog about it now…

  32. My friend, Nicole, and I used to log into Mormon chat rooms and argue with them about the reasons their religion was wrong. They got pissed we had actual facts and good points and kicked us out too.

  33. Kez

    Hahaha that takes me right back to my own teenage years.

  34. ahh internet porn and chatrooms… there’s still not much other interesting shit on the internet since then….

  35. fucking with people in chat rooms back in the day was so much fun.

    i remember being a freshman in college and making multiple dirty AIM names to mess with all my friends.

    one of the best? ‘vaginabloodfart’ (i still have the log in info for that one)

  36. Ambles

    Ha – when the internet was new, me and my friend would go online and seduce people. a/s/l?

  37. oh. man. i had completely forgotten about those damn chat rooms

    i have a feeling any and everybody who was online back then has some kind of fucked up chat room story

    i bet anything

  38. bwp

    What’s the internet?

  39. Russo

    Oh Chris! I knew it from the day you blackened the doorway of my home that you were nothing but TROUBLE! My poor innocent JP was under your spell, and probably still is. There isn’t a court in this world that would not sympathize with me after I come to your home and KILL YOUR DOG!!!!

    Love, Pops

  40. When my girlfriend listed the reasons she liked me, near the top was “a decent guy who doesn’t like dogs.” And that includes imaginary dogs – I’ve got even less use for those jerks.

  41. Remember when you had to pay for internet by the hour? My sister left it connected (through the phone line, wtf?) all night and got in sooo much trouble.

    I always wondered who the losers were who would come in to chat rooms just to ALL CAPS people to death. Nice to meet you.

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