right now

After work yesterday I was walking my dog Jack and I stumbled upon something odd, even by Brooklyn standards.

I turned onto a street that I typically walk down, and noticed that up ahead a woman was standing with her back to me, near a tree. As I got closer I saw a stroller next to her with a baby inside, and in front of her, a small child with his pants around his ankles, pissing on the tree.

At first I thought this couldn’t be what I thought it was, but sure enough, there was a tiny stream of pee hitting the tree. Of course the woman was just standing there like this was part of her family’s normal Wednesday.

It’s not like the peeing kid was really young either, he was about four years-old. But there he was, hanging out with his wang out, peeing all over a tree like he was a college kid who just did an a keg stand.

As I passed by, I gave the lady a look of “Well, you shocked me. And I’ve had a crackhead try to sell a tent to me.” But she didn’t seem to mind, she was calmly standing there like this type of thing is Okay.

Which makes me wonder if it really is. Maybe her husband just pisses wherever he wants? Maybe when she has to go number two, she pops a squat right then there. You know, live in the moment and all that.

I’d love to go to one of their family reunions.


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36 responses to “right now

  1. In China, people let their kids literally crap on the sidewalks. They’re trying to get people to stop, but you’ll still be walking down the street and some kid will be dropping deuce right on the street.

    China is fucking weird.

  2. when i was a lifeguard there were two boys that were always running around like wild animals and their parents were totally oblivious. sometimes they crapped all over the lockerroom floors and we had to clean it up. another time one of the boys started peeing into the bucket of toys.

    there were no pool toys to play with the next day.

    I wonder where those kids are today?

  3. So… I’m guessing you passed on the sweet crackhead tent sale.

    Also, Dave has just convinced me never to go to China. Or at least to remember to pack my hip-waders.

    I had to pass, I only buy crack from crack heads.

  4. CapriceClassic

    Well, if you’re trying to raise a decent exhibitionist/flasher, you have to start them young. It’s all in the breeding!

    That’s what I hear.

  5. My kid has only peed in public once, and that was during potty training and we were at the playground with no potty and no extra underpanties.

    I took her into the woods to do it.

    That woman is an asshole. I’d trust the tent selling crack head to raise a kid more than I’d trust her.

    Right, going in the woods, fine – but right on the street? C’mon.

  6. I have seen little kids do this before. Public bathrooms are so gross if I could pee on a tree I would too.

    When you got to go you got to go.

    I understand that, but she could’ve at least steered him away from everyone.

  7. Btw, that totally reminds me of the scene in Big Daddy, but it’s only funny when Sandler does it.

    Eh, even then…

  8. idontliketoread

    I enraged that this kid can pee on a tree in the middle of the day and nothing happens to him. I piss on the side of a bar at 4am on Times Square and I get a citation. where us the justice!

    It’s a fucked up world dude.

  9. before i got to the bottom of your post i was thinking to myself, ‘maybe her husband just whips it out and pees where ever he wants?’.

    i think it’s weird, but at the same time… if i had a kid who had to pee? i’d probably rather have him pee on a tree then in his pants. less i have to clean up. i’m an a*hole like that.

    Yeah, well, I can your point.

  10. Okay, my son is six and had to pee really badly in public once, but if anyone was scoping us out, they wouldn’t have seen anything but his back. Sometimes kids have to go and they def. can’t hold it like an adult can, but most of us parents know how to find PRIME locations for public peeing!

    Tell me this wasn’t this one of those small trees right on the sidewalk visible to all? Ew!

    Yes, it was.

  11. Matt

    The world is your urinal. Take advantage…

    You’re pissing right now, aren’t you???

  12. I see some of the phenomenons here too. Really, not something I appreciate when I just wake up and probably walk down the road for a cup of coffee or something. Yikes.

    It’s not pleasant.

  13. bwp

    I thought this was a common practice in New York. I mean, I’ve seen Big Daddy.

    I hate Adam Sandler.

  14. rachel

    on the “family reunion”…you may want to get a sturdy pair of boots for wading.

    Thanks for the tip.

  15. Yesterday on my way home, a homeless man told me,

    “I know you probly got a boyfriend or 3 or even a husband, BUT LET THE LORD BE YOUR SMILE!!!”

    So I smiled sweetly, told him I was an atheist, and skipped away.

    I wonder if he got mad at you for skipping?

  16. Hahaha… I don’t know; the first time I visited NYC, I felt like I truly arrived when I saw a man peeing in the park in the middle of the day.

    Come to think of it, I don’t even know if he was peeing. But he was definitely “hanging out with his wang out.” That’s not a thing there?

    I’m not sure. I better check to see.

  17. That’s a little much… But I guess when you have a 4-year-old who may throw a tantrum if he doesn’t pee NOW, you gotta do what you gotta do…

    No, you punch him and tell him to tough it out.

  18. Stephanique1

    It was Earth Day. They were contributing to watering the trees.

    Hmmm… Perhaps.

  19. saratogajean

    You would *not* want to go to their family reunions.

    And you can forget about the water balloon toss.


  20. Weird! I had a homeless guy (not ruling out he was also a crackhead) try to sell me a tent, too. I told him he might want to hang onto his mobile home.

    Haha – exactly.

  21. jay grochalski

    typical new york. a couple of months ago i was walking down 14th street (manhattan) and watched as some lady let her kid piss right next to the taco bell/pizza hut express joint. fucking nice.

    At least it was on a shitty place.

  22. Tim

    The other day my neighbor’s 3 year old daughter popped a squat on my front lawn. Her mom teaches her to do that. I understand if you’re in a forest, or at a phish concert, or on a street in brooklyn, but when your house is literally 20 feet away, that’s a pretty f’ing white trash thing to teach your kids.

    Even here it’s nasty. Trust me.

  23. my friend lets her four year old nephew pee behind the tree in the park we take them to. Trust me when you have a four year old with a full bladder on your hands and you dont want him peeing in his spiderman boxers youll let him aim it anywhere.

    That’s a different story – a park you can kind of hide the kid.

  24. I’m betting the kid was nagging to go and instead of having him pee all over his pants, she figured the next quickest way was in a bush. Or on a tree in this case.

    He needs to get tough and hold it! Like a man!

  25. How much were these tents?

    I didn’t stick around, but if I see him again, I’ll ask.

  26. She was obviously just very anit-Earth Day and was teaching her child a valuable lessen about hating trees.

    Good for him then.

  27. You gotta fight

    For the right

    To pooooottttttty!

    (So proud of myself right now)

    You are a gentleman and a scholar. I call a Cavs win by 47 tomorrow night.

  28. Maybe she thought, “if ppls dogs can pee on trees on the street, why can’t my 4 yr old son?!”

    I know it doesn’t make much sense, but it’s the only justification I could think of

    I hate her.

  29. I’VE SEEN KIDS DOING THIS! Like, at the park! Little kids with their pants around their ankles, just peeing, with their arms behind their heads like they’re on a goddamn La-Z-Boy or something. WTF, is this a new epedemic?

    I really hope not.

  30. I’m going to start hanging out with my wang out.


    Yes! Me too! Right?

  31. I was a nanny to a two-year-old boy and one day in Berkeley he had to pee so I told him to go in front of my car in a parking lot because bathrooms in Berkeley, are scarce and frightening.

    That’s totally different than what I saw.

  32. Kez

    You should have got Jack to “go” on the tree too. Woulda been pretty funny.
    You could have smiled knowingly at the woman, with that “Aah, kids” kind of sigh.

  33. I don’t think so. God probably did though.

  34. Blah blah, don’t teach kids to piss in public blah. Can you please teach all the grown men to stop whackin’ it in public, a la this crazy dude? Kthx.

    PS, I don’t know if I actually made a link to that or not…but I’ve decided to spread my story to the world. So I tried.

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