everything to worry about

Somewhere, George Bush is kicking himself over this whole Swine Flu episode.

He’s beside himself with anger over not getting the chance to rev up fear among the public by over-hyping something not that serious.  He definitely would have invented some sort of warning code system for this.

Level 1: Little piggy. Please stay calm, but not too calm. You might live.

Level 2: Porky Pig. Do not touch anything ever or breathe more than ten times in one hour. You are probably going to die.

Level 3: Bacon Bits. EVERYONE RUN! RUN SOMEWHERE SAFE FROM AIR! AND WATER! AND DIRT! You will die by the time you finish reading this warning.

I guarantee you that Bush has had to stop himself from calling Obama and telling him to flip out about Swine Flu before it goes away.

Back in the day, aside from launching completely unnecessary wars, destroying the economy and speaking unintelligibly, freaking out over health concerns was one of Bush’s favorite past times.

SARS was a great time for Bush, and Bird Flu?  Talk about fun!

Alas, those days of getting everyone too scared to think about the real issues are behind us, but something tells me Bush is still up to his old tricks.

When there’s no more milk in his fridge, my money is on Bush taping off the kitchen, calling Laura (who is upstairs) and telling her they might not make it past lunch, and giving a speech to his cat about the impending doom.

That sounds about right.

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34 Comments

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34 responses to “everything to worry about

  1. jay grochalski

    i miss those days too. it’s just not the same right now, worrying about something as dumb as the Great Recession and losing your job. i’m glad we have Swine Flu. and luckily, living in NYC, we have the NY Post and NY Daily News to try and scare the shit out of us over it.

    Yes, with their catchy copy and photos, it’s kind of addictive.

  2. i remember during the SARS ordeal that people would just walk around with their hands covering their mouths. as if that was going to keep you safe.

    i don’t know anything about swine flu (which is a horrible name btw), but i’m going to bring that hand-over-mouth thing back.

    Do it.

  3. I’m kind of amazed at the underwhelming reaction to swine flu thus far.

    It’s coming, just give it time.

  4. i’m making pork loin for dinner. i ain’t scared.

    You’re a rebel!

  5. bwp

    I just want to get out of work because of this. You know…forever.

    I understand all too well.

  6. Matt

    I’m pretty sure he would have bombed mexico for this…

    because fucking with our country’s pork is an act of terrorism.

    Obviously.

    Of course it is.

  7. Just A Girl

    I don’t know anything about this swine flu. How does one contract it? If it’s from eating little piggies I’m totally safe. HA I knew my almost-vegetarianism would pay off someday. Unless that’s not how you get it, in which case disregard that last statement.

    You know what? I think I’m just gonna go back to my regularly scheduled Ignoring Everything.

    Good idea.

  8. But Bush kept us safe from terrorists! I mean, except for that one time, which was the biggest terrorist attack in US history – but other than that he kept us completely safe from terrorists!

    That’s true, man do I miss him.

  9. Oink, oink, my good man.

    Right back at you.

  10. Some Pig my ass.

    I know!

  11. saratogajean

    I heard today on npr that China is the world’s leading puchaser of pork. I had no idea.

    All I could think was, “Damn. That’s a lot of pork fried rice.”

    Those chinese people love chinese food!

  12. you know, i saw your tweet yesterday, and you are right– with swine flu, i am predicting that i might die from it sometime later this year. when bird flu was all the rage, i thought i was dying TOMORROW. the sense of urgency just isn’t there… we need bush to help everyone freak out; good call.

    I hope he’s reading this.

  13. This would account for the cat’s increased fur ball horking.

    Yes it would.

  14. I think Level 3 should be called “Beggin’ Strips.” Because man, is that the worst freaking commercial ever or what?

    They smell really good though, don’t they?

  15. Stephanique1

    mmmmmm bacon

    Famous last words.

  16. My cat is already in the underground shelter with canned cat food. Too late for us, my friend.

    It was nice knowing you.

  17. SARS was a pretty glorious time, huh?

    The best!

  18. There needs to be a Bush post-prez reality show. It’s the only reality show I would watch.

    You really need to watch The Duel 2 on MTV. Trust me.

  19. Actually, I bet Bush is more angry that he’s afraid he’ll catch Swine Flu from eating his daily bologna and cheese sandwiches (which if you recall is his favorite food). After all, bologna is pork, right Georgie?

    Oh man, he must be freaking out right now.

  20. I’m still not giving up bacon. I’m that dedicated to it, much to the chagrin of my cardiologist.

    At least you have your morals.

  21. George Bush can’t catch a break. I’ll vote for him in the next election though. Thats how that works right? 2 terms in, one term off, two terms in?

  22. swineflu is not trending once, but 3 times according to the ever trusty twitter.

  23. Wait. We’re not at code “Baby Back Ribs” yet?

    Maybe we should consider giving those scientists some more funding…instead of shunning them for continually spreading their “evolution” bullshit.

  24. Kez

    …or he’s out reading books to children upside down and has no idea…
    just sayin’…

  25. I may have sat laughing for a good five minutes after finishing reading this post. I can definitely imagine that scenario happening.

  26. You called it with your tag: Swine flu isn’t nearly as scary as a new Creed album.

  27. haha i love your levels, bacon bits run!!

  28. According to my sources (TV) they actually d0 have levels for this shit. We are at 3 of 6. 3 of 6 is just sort of pathetic. Go out and kiss some strangers. We can do better than 3.

  29. I have a theory that the Republicans started swine flu on purpose because the economy was starting to get better and they needed something else to be Armageddon-bad.

    Just don’t eat a club sandwich–turkey plus bacon equals DEATH!!!! I think people are totally overreacting personally…

  30. tennyson ee hemingway

    What is with all the Creed love lately? Surely they’re dead? If not, then please, can I have Swine Flu?

  31. tia

    hubs ate a pork chop last night.

    he’s a rebel.

    (i drank lots of iced tea and tried to steal fries off my brother in law’s plate.)

    don’t ask me why i felt the need to give you a recap of my dinner.

    seriously. don’t.

  32. hahahaha too funny. you’re so right.

  33. I really hope it doesn’t get here. Rumor says the virus cant stay heat. Maybe it doesn’t reach Asia? God I hope it doesn’t . Too scary. Birds are cuter than pigs.

  34. I just made out with a hog. I’m into that.

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