real adventure

When I was growing up, the first thing I ever imagined myself becoming when I was an adult was Indiana Jones. I figured, like any young boy would, that getting women, punching the shit out of Bad Dudes and saving enslaved children by grabbing some weird rock was a pretty good life.

Of course now that I’m an Adult, I’ve been sucker punched by this thing called Real Life, and to my dismay – I don’t think I’m ever going to be Indiana Jones.

In fact, the closest I ever get to it is the mad dash to a train that is about to leave the station. There really isn’t anything more exciting than seeing the subway doors start to close and jumping into the car right at the last possible second.

I actually take quite a bit of pride in my ability, too. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Sky diving? Please. Try weaving through a crowd of angry commuters (knocking the weak aside if that’s what is necessary) and leaping through the air to catch a train – all to save yourself ten minutes. Now that is what I call Extreme.

The best part about it is seeing the faces of doubt when I make my move toward the train. When I pick up my pace to a steady jog, I always see the people who have exited the subway and I know what they’re thinking:

“He’ll never make it.”

“What a fool! He’s going to be ten minutes later than he thought!”

“I think his fly is down and I’m feeling intrigued.”

But I keep going! Why? Because this is my Temple of Doom! This is my Lost Ark! And damn you to hell if you think it will be my Last Crusade!

When the doors begin to close, that’s when I make my jump, straightening myself out so as to give myself the most room possible to squeeze through.

Then, when I make it on the train, I always take a look around at the people on there already. I nod at the few who have just witnessed this miracle, this Feat Of Amazingness, and feel bad for those who missed it.

Jumping onto trains at the last minute may not be fulfilling my dream to one day become Indiana Jones, but it certainly comes close.

Let’s see an archaeologist do that.

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39 Comments

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39 responses to “real adventure

  1. When i was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a Charlies Angel. I used to even take my parents wine opener what kinda looked like a gun when you opened it and i would hide around corners, jump out and yell freeze.

    Oh who am I kidding I so want to still be a Charlies Angel.

    Just be the hot one. You know, the one with the hair.

  2. I’m an archaeologist. But I’ve never run to catch the train. I’m just usually on time. Have to save my energy for the snakes and big rolly balls of rock and shit.

    Are you really? I bet you carry a whip, don’t you?

  3. jay grochalski

    yes, getting into those trains is certainly worth the soon-to-be $103 a month. i myself like when people don’t make the train and start screaming and yelling and swearing.

    I thought the price had already gone up this morning when I bought one that came up as $81. I thought I cheated the system! But then Ari told me it wasn’t up yet. So yeah, fucking shit.

    That first sentence is possibly the worst thing I’ve ever written.

  4. Ben

    I still think my dad might be Indiana Jones on the side.

    You’re lucky. My dad is a loser, and it’s not even on the side.

  5. You’re the fuckin’ MAN.

    Are you really good at opening jar lids too?

    Forget about it!

  6. I would be more impressed if once you got on the train, you had to tame a lion!

    Oh I do, I left that part out. I don’t need to brag.

  7. Deb

    Physical prowess like that AND a sense of humor?!
    No wonder Superman and Batman both want to hang with you . . .

    I know. I also have a pretty cool Facebook page.

  8. Stephanique1

    I’m one of those jag-offs that relishes off other people’s misery. I’d probably even block the subway door shut for you. Sorry, dude.

    Haha – “jag-offs” reminds me of my brothers – they always say that. And I totally understand that sentiment – but just know that I’d knock you down to get on the train.

  9. I saw about 5 mins of that show once and that was all I could handle. And I’ve never been back.

    But I do remember that she was very talkative and he just sat there. Like a lump on a log.

    What about that show where they have like 18 kids…? Now that show is WEIRD.

    This comment is not where it should be, you know that right? Try the last post.

  10. Indiana Jones would brandish the whip to hold the train back. I’m just saying.

    You always make me feel so worthless!

  11. Matt

    Do you wear one of those hats? You should wear the hat.

    Of course I do.

  12. We have an Indiana Jones Hat.

    Ooh! Indiana dress up day!

    *looks around for camera and bullwhip*

    Do it! I’ll be the damsel in distress!

  13. Or, maybe Indiana Jones would have been sick that day and pulled out his pistol and shot the train…

    Yes!

  14. My proudest days are those when I can make “the impossible train.”

    They should be, it’s a great feeling.

  15. saratogajean

    You should start pulling hearts out of chests when you get on the Impossible Train.

    Oh wait, Indy didn’t do that…

    It might still be cool, though.

    I will do it on my home tonight and let you know.

  16. I swear, the Indiana Jones theme was playing in my head while reading this! Its the little things that make life worth living.

    Yes it does. I have the theme on my iPod.

  17. Matt got to my comment before I could get to my comment. I was gonna say wear the hat around, and then between that and your fly being down, people would really be intrigued!

    I’d be unstoppable.

  18. When we lived in San Francisco, Steve was on the bus, on his way to work and really hanged, the bus doors opened, he leaped out, barfed, and jumped back on. He’s sort of my hangover hero.

    That is amazing! Never take that man for granted.

  19. Wearing hats and caps make men bald. How did Indi manage to keep all that hair?

    Because that’s a myth.

  20. eleise007

    Dude, I have been reading your blog for months and you’re hilarious… like the rest of your herd, I love you man. Thanks for the side splitting comments.

    If it makes you feel better, you are Indiana Jones!

    Thanks! And that did make me feel better.

  21. You.Are.Awesome. Now would you mind coming over here and doing my work for me and later make me dinner because my lazy ass can’t be bothered. Cool, thanks!

    I hope you like pancakes.

  22. There’s no better PG rated feeling than jumping on the train as the doors are closing.

    I like how you added PG rated. Sometimes I yell “FUCK!” when I just miss the train though, so it might be R.

  23. I think you should somehow incorporate a whip into this for dramatic effect. The doors are closing – pull out the whip and *snap* haul yourself in.

    Just a suggestion.

    Man, that is a good suggestion. I’ll practice.

  24. I was on the subway once and some fat guy thought he would just make it on in time…big mistake. The carriage was packed and he got jammed in the doors…he had about 100 people looking at him. That day was not Indiana Jones by any standard! lol x

    I feel for that guy.

  25. that is a real adventure – i wonder if there is a train/subway video game out there, if not you should invent it.

    this example of strength and challenge can also be related to shopping at a sample sale. them bitches are cut-throat.

    I would never dream of going to another sample sale – I went once and I almost died.

  26. I don’t mean to jinx you but aren’t you afraid that one day you’ll face plant into the closing doors? It’ll be a painful day, but it’ll also be a reminder that not everyone can do what Indian Jones can do!

    I don’t worry about that – Indy never worries about that!

  27. bex

    When I was little I wanted nothing more than to be a magician and wow people onstage. I practiced and practiced and practiced.

    Then I grew boobs and realized that was enough.

    Yeah, those things hold enough of a spell on people on their own.

  28. Haha! I was looking for my comment on your last post and I couldn’t find it and then I was getting angry thinking that you had erased it.

    And then I saw my folly. ANYWHO, I was going to comment on this post and say that I like you capitilize words of Importance.

  29. I am so glad I drive.

  30. I wanna grow up and be a runway model but growth doesn’t happen much 😛

  31. Do the doors automatically pop open if, say, your foot doesn’t make it in time? I think the idea of possibly having to ride in with my foot or half of my skirt outside of the doors would be enough to deter me from jumping.

  32. I think we need some video of this stunt. Please and thank you.

  33. it’s safe to say that I would rather drive in LA traffic than have to deal with that …although, it may be a tie. either way, you’re a fantastic story teller. lol.

  34. I’m sorry… I stopped reading when you stopped talking about Indy…. I’ve got a thing about Indy…. I think I need to excuse myself…

    I’m sure though, that you’d definitely beat me in a “jump onto the subway” race.

  35. charmcitykim

    I’m impressed! I’m deathly afraid of the doors closing on one of my limbs.

  36. Red

    I am no longer physically capable of running and have to just stand there and wait for the next train. So I’d say something like, “That guy’s an idiot.” But on the inside, I’m a little envious.

    Of course, I no longer live in the city; I relocated to DC. These days, there’s too good a chance that I wouldn’t get out of your way in time and you’d knock me down.

  37. I wanted to be an amateur sleuth who solved international poaching rings. Damn poachers.

  38. Whenever I’ve been in NYC or DC and use the trains/subways, I always imagine that the doors would actually smush me if I tried to jump on at the last minute. I mean, it’s not like an elevator where it’ll just stay open indefinitely if you make it, right? They’ll actually smush you! I heard that on TV so it must be true. Don’t get smushed, Chris.

  39. Aaron

    Hi, Nice post thanks for sharing. Would you please consider adding a link to my website on your page. Please email me back. Thanks!

    Aaron Grey
    aarongrey112@gmail.com

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