picking the best part

The other day I attended a Jewish wedding for the first time, and let me tell you, those Jews know how to have a good time. I was raised as a Catholic, and all the weddings I ever went to growing up were boring as hell.

Though I guess hell isn’t very boring at all, you know, with all the fire and Never-ending Sadness happening, but that’s beside the point.

What I realized at the Jewish wedding was that because Ari is about .07% Jewish, when I get married in September – I’m going to be a Jew!

This is obviously pretty exciting to me.

Not because when people see a picture of me and my big nose and ask me if I’m Jewish I can finally say “yes” instead of “no, I just have a fucking big nose, asshole.” No, it’s because I fully intend on doing that thing that Jews do at weddings when they lift the bride and groom up in chairs and dance around with them.

When I saw that happening, I looked at Ari and said, “Oh, we are totally doing that at our wedding.” And because I’ll be a Jew as soon as I end my life as I know it, I mean, accept the vows of marriage, it will totally be an acceptable thing to do.

I can see it now:  Everyone will be dancing and lifting Ari and I up in chairs and I’ll yell “Shalom! Yom Kippur!” and Ari will glare at me and everything will be great.

Unfortunately I have to wait until the wedding to have this experience, so until then I suppose I’ll just keep dreaming of that day and of that dance, and toil away at work to pass the time.

Oy vey!

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44 Comments

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44 responses to “picking the best part

  1. I swear to god if you come to Cleveland Alexa and I will lift you up in a chair and you can scream whatever you want.

    But if you make a crack about my nose it is SO over.

    Yes! I’ll come for the Cavs victory parade.

  2. idontliketoread

    Mazel mazel, good things.

    Dradel.

  3. The chair thing is the best part. I’d convert just for that.

    Yes, it appears to be something worth converting for.

  4. being a jew has always seemed far more interesting than being catholic. 8 days of presents, new languages to learn, a big party when you’re 13 and awkward…

    all we get with catholicism is guilt and crappy little crackers.

    It’s much more appealing. Plus, if you’re Jewish you’re automatically rich, right?

  5. Matt

    You should take Narm up on that offer.

    You should come too and watch it.

  6. Being Jewish, I cannot WAIT for the Hava Nagila dance! It’s so fun and definitely, by far, the best part of Jewish weddings.

    On the downside of being Jewish, your forced to live with hundreds of years of guilt and of course it’s brought up at every family event.

    Yeah, that’s a good point, but Catholic families love them some guilt too.

  7. Yes. I tried to be a Jew, then my friend Dan told me “we don’t want you. It’s ‘the chosen people’ for a reason.” In other news, Dan is an asshole. Even Moses would agree.

    Also, my cousin married a Jew and they had a hybrid Irish Catholic/Jewish wedding. This meant doing the chair dance AND having an open bar. Our side of the family could barely stand, much less lift chairs over their heads. It was… an idea.

    It sounds like it went well. I’m not actually having an religion in the wedding, just the chair dance.

  8. As an honorary Jewess–I went to GW–I learned a few things: matzoh ball soup is delicious, Jewish men love it when you are a bitch and they sense mommy will hate you, and the Jewey songs are fucking awesome.

    I realize only two of these will help you, but there it is.

    I appreciate the knowledge.

  9. What is that chair thing called anyway? Seems like it should have a name.

    I like your plan – I was raised Catholic too, but nothing is better than dancing t0 “Hava Nagila” with little Jewish grandmas!

    I’m going to have a Jewish mom too. That will be fun.

  10. I’ve always wanted to be a Jew…

    sigh.

    You could marry me too!

  11. Pack your bags people we are all going to Cleveland to see Narm and Alexa lift you up in a chair and hopefully not drop you, although that would be kinda funny.

    It is going to be An Event.

  12. Make sure you do the chair lift dance BEFORE your groomsmen get drunk, lest you want a faceplant on your wedding video. You’d become a youtube star, but your skull wouldn’t appreciate the trauma.

    True, but if I could be famous, I’d take the chance.

  13. CapriceClassic

    See? I TOLD you that you were Jewish! And no, not because of your nose, but because of that big afro you sported years ago. It’s really a good look for you – start growing it back immediately!

    Mazal tov!!

    No way, that hair is never coming back. I’m down with the low maintenance look until I die.

  14. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but simply marrying a Jew does not allow you to join the class of Chosen People. You gotta WORK to join us!

    Though we do allow non-Jews to partake in the chair lifting at weddings. In fact, we encourage it. Because we are a partying people and we support others to bring the party as well. Amen!

    Praise Jesus and the Torah and whatever else!

  15. Probably you’ll need practice before the big day. You should start practicing now. Daily.

    I’ll ask my coworkers.

  16. Maybe, just maybe, if you’re really, really nice to your coworkers they will carry you around in your desk chair today.

    I’m crossing my fingers!

  17. I’ve seen it done at Italian weddings too! It’s fun. But I’m always so nervous the bride and groom will be dropped. That wouldn’t be fun.

    True.

  18. kylestackblog

    Welcome to the club — admission is $10.

    We’ll be like brothers or something.

  19. whoa whoa whoa – does narm not know me at all?!? i can’t lift anything over my head let alone a 30 year old grown man. (although i am doing the shred, maybe that’ll change)

    also, jp stole my original comment.

    mazel, mazel.

    Torah, Torah.

  20. jay grochalski

    we’re all jews in a way.

    True Fact.

  21. I’m laughing too hard to leave anything coherent.

    That’ll work.

  22. Are you going to stomp on the glass too? And wear the hat thing? Cause that would make it a pretty Bad Ass wedding along with the chair dance.

  23. saratogajean

    Just so long as you’re not converting for the jokes…

  24. Alice

    Beware though… uber-jew weddings (i.e. orthodox & beyond) can be kind of a bummer for the reception if you’re new to the culture. at my cousin’s wedding, men & women were kept separate on the dance floor. even for the chair carrying!

    come to think of it, it was kinda like 7th grade…

  25. Um…yeah. I’ve been to one Jewish wedding and the bride wasn’t…let me say…small. (Think Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal).

    For the love of all things holy, they got her up there. It was seriously a miracle of divination.

  26. Between my name, my hair, my nose, and a year at Brandeis, I’m pretty sure I’m an honorary Jew. Especially if that means I get to break some shit at my wedding.

  27. It would be more lucrative to have a Goodfellas conversion before your wedding. Stand around and fill pillowcases with money…

  28. my best wedding ever was also jewish. there are so many rules and lifting of things but double fisting booze and shoving a 15 course meal in my face like a lady made up for all of that nonsense.

  29. Aw, congrats?

    So when’s the Bris?

  30. LMAO that’d be exciting. Pics? What’s so different in jew weddings if i may ask?

  31. tia

    i don’t know what kind of catholic weddings you’ve been going to, but the ones i’ve attended are always exciting, what with priests interjecting their own judgemental statements and watching to see if the groomsmen will be able to hold it together through the whole thing without showing everyone how drunk they are.

    and that’s just the ceremony.

  32. Speaking as a half Jew I can tell you your delusion about the Jews liking you is hilarious. Jews don’t like ANYTHING. Learn now, save yourself some heartache.

    P.S. My Jewish grandparents have told me they hate all of my wedding plans in their passive aggressive Jewy kind of way.

    P.P.S. I’m [kind of] a Jew so I can say that.

  33. I never realized how much Jewish weddings kick ass, and how lame Catholic weddings are until I recently attended two weddings, in that order. I was pissed at the second one. I can’t believe I got tricked into attending Catholic mass.

  34. Oi vey indeed!! I went to a christening wedding not so long ago – I was off my face before we even got to the reception lol

  35. You’re like Tim Watley

  36. I’ve always wanted to do the chair thing, but I have fears of falling into my own wedding cake. With my luck that would totally happen.

  37. Try not to fall off the chair. I imagine that happens often.

  38. kylestackblog

    Oh no you didn’t title ‘Chris Doin’ Work’

  39. I was IN a Jewish wedding. Let’s just say my night ended when I puked outside of someone’s hotel room door.

  40. Ben

    Jews are my favourite minority. They’re troopers.

  41. hautepocket

    This is unrelated but when is the new site going to be done? I have no patience. Whhhhaaaaaahhhh.

  42. bwp

    Jews are the best.

    Seth Rogen is a jew. I’m sold!

  43. I am stricken by the way you addressed this topic. It is not often I come across a website with entertaining articles like yours. I will note your feed to stay up to date with your potential updates.Just brilliant and do keep up the good work.

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