Yesterday I found out something that makes me want to watch Lifetime movies while completely sober. It’s that bad.
Ashton Kutcher is on Twitter.
So is Demi Moore.
Oh and dear mother of god so is Fred Durst.
I know, I know, right now you’re saying, “Who the hell are these people?” I only wish I didn’t know them. I only wish that my mind could somehow erase the memories/nightmares of Punk’d, G.I. Jane and Limp Bizkit. But it can’t.
You see I’m one of those people who loves his Twitter. Yes that makes me a dork, but I’m also one of those people who likes sports and shooting fireworks at people when I’m drunk so I think that evens me out.
My problem with these people invading Twitter is that now some people that I follow are talking about them, which makes me highly upset.
It’s bad enough that Ashton made everyone think wearing a trucker hat was not only socially acceptable, but cool.
It’s bad enough that Demi Moore left Bruce Motherfucking Willis to marry Ashton.
It’s bad enough that Limp Bizkit – well, c’mon, do I really need to elaborate on them?
But now, when I go to my Twitter page, I have to see people talking about “what Ashton said” and “how positive a person Demi is!” And yeah, there really was an exclamation point, dammit.
It’s just too much.
Sadly, unless all three of them decide that maybe they should stop inadvertently torturing a blogger they don’t know and probably (hopefully) never will, there’s nothing that I can do.
So tell me about how you’re bringing the ascot back Ashton, because that’s just what we need from you, more fashion advice. And Demi, please post a picture of you two by the Golden Gate bridge, because yes it’s romantic and it only makes me hate you a little bit more. Yes, even you Fred, quote some more Albert Einstein, because I’m sure you both have a lot in common.
I want it all.