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down under

I’m not big on traveling, but one place that has always intrigued me, should I be forced to travel – is Australia.

I dare you to try and think of one bad thing about Australia.

You can’t!

I’ve loved that weird place ever since I saw Crocodile Dundee for the first time many years ago.  Who doesn’t love that crazy guy?  I imagine every male over the age of seven is exactly like Dundee – walking around with a big ass knife and wrestling crocs wearing a leather vest with no shirt on underneath.

Australia is also home to the boomerang.  I’d visit just for this alone.  I could come back to the states after mastering the skill and anytime I needed something from someone – whap!  I’d hit them with my boomerang instead of having to say, “Hey, could you hand me that folder?”

Much more effective don’t you think?  And without Australia we’d never even know about it!

Oh – I haven’t even mentioned the animals that live there.

Hey ladies, how about a koala?  Love them!  You can snuggle it instead of your boyfriend after sex.  Okay, maybe that’s a little weird, but either way, koalas are damn cute and you know you love them.

I know, now all you guys are thinking, “Well, what about us?  What animal do we get?”

Kangaroos man!

If I visited Australia, the first thing I’d do is find a Roo (I’ve studied extensively for this post and I now know the local language) and befriend it.

Roos are arguably the coolest animal ever.  They’re like that big, dopey roommate you had in college, always good to have on your side in case a fight breaks out, but also kind of dangerous because you never know when he’s going to snap after one too many Bud Lights and kick your ass instead.

I bet you didn’t even know Roos drank, did you?

Of course they do!

That’s yet another part about Australia that makes it fucking awesome – every single living organism is drunk all the time!

It’s not like here, where people expect you to be a loser by being sober during most of your waking hours.

I’ve sold you haven’t I?

You want to visit Australia now, I know it.  Well, let’s do it.  Get your tickets and I’ll meet you by the tree near the landing strip.

I’m sure I’ll already be shitfaced with my new friend Larry The Roo, but come over and say hi anyway, we’re both happy drunks.

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