Tag Archives: dogs are hell

crisis management

I overreact.

This notion, however, is foreign to me for the most part. Sometimes though, I see that maybe I’m not the best at Handling Things.This was the case last night.

Ari was cooking dinner, and I was sitting on the couch after a long, hard day of reading blogs and trying to figure out the best way to tie my shoes so that the laces don’t poke me in my shins.

As I’m Unwinding, the smoke detector in our apartment starts going off. It goes off at the slightest hint of smoke, so it is a Constant Source Of Stress for me.

The detector is going off, so I jump up, grab a towel and begin waving it wildly at the detector to get it to shut-up.

It does.

For about forty-three seconds. Or just enough time for me to sit back down on the couch.

So I’m back into action. Waving the damn towel. Now Jack has caught wind of the excitement, and decides that jumping at the towel while I wave it is A Good Idea.

Now I’m waving a towel while swearing at the detector and the dog.

Ari, meanwhile, is calmly preparing our meal.

Once again the alarm goes silent. I give Jack a mean look, and go back to my couch.

It immediately goes back on again.

This time, while doing the towel thing, I’m yelling at the top of my lungs to Ari, “Well, I’m not gonna be able to eat! Just stop cooking! Are you done??? Just forget about mine! I’m not going anywhere!!!”

Of course this is happening while Jack is jumping wildly through the air with such glee that I think he might have found Puppy Heaven.

Finally, mercifully, the detector shuts-the-fuck-up for good.

I walk back into the other room, and Ari is gently placing my meal at the table. It is not lost on me that she has been having A Good Laugh at my expense this entire time.

I look at her. She looks at me.

We decide not to discuss it.

It’s usually better that way.


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sharp as a spoon

As I said in my first post, I have a puppy named Jack.

My girlfriend and I got him from a shelter on Long Island about two months ago, and he’s been reeking havoc on our lives ever since.

This is him in his natural state.


Jack is pretty much a small, fur-covered ball of hell.  He’s only 5 months old right now, so this means – much to my delight – that he will soon be a large, fur-covered ball of hell.

Some things that Jack enjoys:

Eating discarded chicken bones off of the street.

Running around like a maniac immediately after a bath.

Jumping on every single person that comes within three feet of him.

Eating pens.

Sticking his nose up a little girl’s skirt.

Peeing in wine stores.

Eating his own shit.

These are just a few of the many wonderful moments that Jack has blessed my girlfriend and I with.

As you may have guessed, Jack is slightly dumb.  It’s okay to say it, he doesn’t mind.

Dogs, it seems, are just like people.  Some people are smart and some people are dumb.  I just happened to adopt a dull-brained dog.

This is okay with me though.  He does a lot of cute shit that pretty much makes up for all the dumb shit that he does.

He’s a good dog, there’s just not that much going on upstairs.

And because all I’ve done is talk shit on him, here’s a picture of him looking his best.


Cute right?

Don’t let him fool you.

In the blink of an eye he’ll be peeing as he walks, unlike a normal dog, who takes a moment to crouch down to do his work.

This my dog.  This is Jack.


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