In case you’re Sad Inside All The Time, and didn’t realize – this Sunday is the Super Bowl.
Because I grew up in Pittsburgh, I am completely obsessed with all things Steelers, so that means at the end of the game I’ll either be dead if they lose, or crying tears of joy if they win.
I’m not too worried about having to throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge though, because I’m confident in my team, and I’m confident in my dirty underwear.
You see, as a fan, I’m morally obligated to do certain things that can/will help my team win, and my list includes, but is not limited to:
- Text “Game Day.” to my friends who are Steelers fans as soon as I wake up, even if it’s at 8 AM. This may or may not upset them.
- Buy two tall boy cans of Coors Light. I must start drinking right at kick off, not a moment before.
- Drink these beers from my special Steelers glass that is kept on the right side of my freezer until I take it out. I hear Bill Gates does this and look where it got him.
- Put on the same clothes that I wore during their first playoff win weeks ago. Yes, that means the same boxer briefs, the same sweatpants, the same t-shirt and the same jersey. All unwashed of course. Everyone knows washing them negates all the stored up luck.
- Tuck in the Troy Polamalu jersey on my left side. This helps with beer consumption and high fives, as there is no extra clothing in my way.
- Place my designated Game Day Terrible Towel on my right leg. No not my left, don’t be ridiculous.
- Rub my dog’s head before a play that I’m nervous about. He can bite me if he wants; he is not bound by this list.
- Yell and punch my couch when something bad happens to the Steelers. I assume this is Ari and my neighbor’s favorite one.
As you can see this list is quite logical and everything on here, when done correctly, helps the Steelers win.
Of course if the Steelers lose on Sunday, you’ll never hear from me again, because I will kill myself.
But let’s hope that doesn’t happen. Okay?