lucky me

In case you’re Sad Inside All The Time, and didn’t realize – this Sunday is the Super Bowl.

Because I grew up in Pittsburgh, I am completely obsessed with all things Steelers, so that means at the end of the game I’ll either be dead if they lose, or crying tears of joy if they win.

I’m not too worried about having to throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge though, because I’m confident in my team, and I’m confident in my dirty underwear.

You see, as a fan, I’m morally obligated to do certain things that can/will help my team win, and my list includes, but is not limited to:

1. Text “Game Day.” to my friends who are Steelers fans as soon as I wake up, even if it’s at 8 AM.  This may or may not upset them.
2. Buy two tall boy cans of Coors Light.  I must start drinking right at kick off, not a moment before.
3. Drink these beers from my special Steelers glass that is kept on the right side of my freezer until I take it out.  I hear Bill Gates does this and look where it got him.
4. Put on the same clothes that I wore during their first playoff win weeks ago. Yes, that means the same boxer briefs, the same sweatpants, the same t-shirt and the same jersey.  All unwashed of course.  Everyone knows washing them negates all the stored up luck.
5. Tuck in the Troy Polamalu jersey on my left side.  This helps with beer consumption and high fives, as there is no extra clothing in my way.
6. Place my designated Game Day Terrible Towel on my right leg.  No not my left, don’t be ridiculous.
7. Rub my dog’s head before a play that I’m nervous about.  He can bite me if he wants; he is not bound by this list.
8. Yell and punch my couch when something bad happens to the Steelers.  I assume this is Ari and my neighbor’s favorite one.

As you can see this list is quite logical and everything on here, when done correctly, helps the Steelers win.

Of course if the Steelers lose on Sunday, you’ll never hear from me again, because I will kill myself.

But let’s hope that doesn’t happen.  Okay?

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what the pilgrims should have done

This Thanksgiving was a strange one for me because it marked the first time I wasn’t with family to celebrate it.

With needing to rent a car because of Jack, it ended up being way too much trouble to get out of the city, so Ari and I went to a friend’s apartment to eat ourselves to the brink of death and drink so much that we did this when we got home:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “dance magic dance“, posted with vodpod

Did you watch that?  I know, I don’t watch videos on blogs either.  In fact I have a strict policy of only watching them if they are under two minutes.  But that video is only 35 seconds, and it is worth it.  Plus I even used Vimeo, which is somehow cooler than Youtube now even though I don’t really understand why.

A little background on that video:  Earlier in the day, I was browsing iTunes and realized that I had been a complete asshole until then for not having Elton John’s “I Guess That’s Why They Call it The Blues.”  So I downloaded it to my phone.

I really don’t know what I was thinking, not having this classic to listen to at any moment.  I mean, Stevie Wonder has a harmonica solo in it!  I repeat – a harmonica solo!  Stevie Fucking Wonder!  Well, I didn’t want to be the kind of person who lives their life without this song, so I got it and listened to it about five times before we went to dinner.

Naturally, when we got back, I decided to put the song on yet again and dance with Jack.  This was all captured by our other friend who mainly laughed at us but also had the presence of mind to document it for later viewing.

The highlights of the video include the song itself, which makes you A Better Person, Ari making some sort of concoction and declaring it “Pup Stuffing!” and me dancing with Jack, which really was just me whipping him from side to side, while singing along at the top of my lungs.

I’m not really sure, but that might have been the best Thanksgiving ever.

the heart of the matter

I’ve never been a big fan of brunch, mostly because I tend to judge things before I actually give them a chance.  I’m sure that logic will eventually catch up to me when I’m banished to Hell for telling God that “Heaven probably sucks anyway,” but for now, that’s how I roll.

But despite my previous judgments otherwise, my opinion of brunch changed for the better yesterday, and I think the reason was that I missed the entire point of the activity.

I used to hate brunch for these Scientific Reasons: 1) It’s too close to lunch time.  If I wanted eggs and all that stuff, I’d have them when I woke up, not at noon. 2) It’s too close to breakfast.  The internal conflict of whether or not I should have something to eat before brunch is enough to drive me insane. 3) During football season, brunch can run dangerously close to interfering with the one o’clock games, and missing football is something that makes me angrier than Amy Winehouse when she loses her crack pipe.

However, yesterday, when Ari and I went to brunch at a place by our apartment and we had A Good Time, I finally figured out what brunch is meant for – getting drunk before noon!

We both talked about things that I now forget because we were drinking and we laughed at a grown woman hula-hooping outside, it was great.

And because we were both drunk, I’d Think About Things which seemed grand at the time but were only really grand because I couldn’t stand up straight and it was 11:47 AM.

After that brunch, I am officially converted.  Today I awoke a brunch fan, and maybe sometime we can all get brunch together, too.

I do hope you drink though, because by the time I’m on my second mimosa you might be questioning why you’re friends with me in the first place.

dance your way to love

I think we can all agree that Cheryl Lynn’s song, “Got To Be Real,” is a classic – one of the top ten songs of all time.

Most of the time when it comes on my iPod in the gym, I just want to shake my money maker, but this morning when its catchy, bouncing beat popped through my headphones, I started thinking about the song, and what it meant on a larger scale.

What you find-ah
What you feel now
What you know-ah
To be real!

At first glance, this appears pretty straightforward – Cheryl is talking to us about true love, and how you just “know” when it’s the real thing.

But I think that this is actually Cheryl pleading to us for help.

She has no idea what real love is, and she needs us to help her figure it out while dancing so feverishly that others suspect we are in need of medical attention.  Which we might be.  The diagnosis is clearly Oh I Am Dancing Until Someone Slightly Attractive Goes Home With Me-itis.

She’s asking us – what have you found to be real?  What has felt real?  And finally, what do you know to be real?

Then she gets even more depressing.

Ooh, your love’s for real now
You know that your love is my love
My love is your love
Our love is here to stay

Here she’s saying that because she has no idea what real love is – she’s going to live vicariously through the love we experience with others.  And she’s making sure we know it too by telling us that we “know” it and it “is here to stay.”

Sad.

In fact – here:

😦

That’s how that makes me feel.

Poor Cheryl just wanted our help, and all we can do is dance, dance.  Like that problem Don Henley had.

Next time you listen to this song, I beg you, for just one second – stop moving your booty like only you can and think about poor Cheryl.

She just wants to know true love, and I think we owe it to her to pay some respect.

(Just a quick note:  I’m going to be entertaining some friends starting today, so tomorrow I will be away.  But have no fear!  I have a guest post (the first ever here!) all lined up and it is really fucking funny and you will love it and their blog – so please check tomorrow for the post and show the writer some love.  Oh the suspense!!!)

organization

I have a wedding to go to tonight, so I thought I’d put together a To Do List.

I hear that People Who Have Their Lives Together do these kinds of things, so I thought it might help me.

Enjoy.

To Do For Today:

(I think this is a good start – a title makes things Important)

1. Make it through work without thinking too much about how I’m left-handed and I should get some kind of reward for that because it means I’m Unique and maybe even Awesome.
2. Get cash out of ATM for booze, booze and some more booze. Also donuts.
3. Memorize the lyrics to Return of the Mack because it is one of the greatest songs ever.
4. Call Ari during lunch and recite memorized lyrics, once finished, wait for her to praise me.
5. Once off work, give myself dap for A Job Well Done.
6. Shower. Don’t forget behind the ears, people look there during weddings.
7. Put on new suit.
8. Smile at myself in the mirror because I look like a sexy beast. Or maybe just George Clooney.
9. Get to the wedding On Time. This is What Adults Do.
10. Try not to get too drunk.
11. Having failed, try not to tell too many people that their shoes are ugly.
12. Absorb Ari’s multiple discussions with me about “How to not be an asshole.”
13. Go to after party.
14. Drink more.
15. Shake what my momma gave me.
16. Catch cab home and try and prevent Ari from being mean to cabbie, like she always does when she’s wasted.
17. Make grilled cheeses and Stuff Face.
18. Go to sleep.
19. Try and dream about being Batman.
20. Wake up tomorrow and hate life.

I think that about covers it.