Tag Archives: I am never writing the word “towel” again

crime drama

This morning, as I entered the gym ready to lift heavy objects lots and lots of times for no real reason, I noticed a sign that informed members that there would be no more towels provided starting a week from today.

Obviously this concerns me, because I’m already filling my quota of Naked Man Time in the locker room when there are towels, so god only knows what it’s going to be like when there aren’t towels.

But what really struck me was that the reason they’re taking away the towel service is that towels are being taken from the gym, and it is losing money because of it.

You know that saying “You learn something new every day?”  Well, today I learned that there is a man roaming this great city that apparently has a deep love for towels.  So much so that he steals them.

A Towel Bandit, if you will.

Somewhere in a tiny apartment – perhaps in Queens, maybe in Brooklyn, or maybe even in the city – thousands of extremely scratchy, white Bally Sports Club towels can be found.

The Towel Bandit, I imagine, must have been a Real Bandit at one time, and has since retired and moved on to heisting towels to fill the rush he used to get from robbing banks.

One day he was yelling “Just give me all the cash and no one gets hurt!” and the next day he was quietly slipping three towels into his gym bag, smiling to himself and thinking, “This will bring the entire system to a standstill!”

My only hope in this entire debacle is to somehow figure out who the Towel Bandit is and befriend him. Then hopefully, one day he will bring me to his towel hoarding center, and we can laugh and laugh at the sheer amount of towels before us.

I will declare, “That my friend, is a lot of towels!  A grand amount indeed!” and he will agree, bellowing, “Ha ha!  Oh the tales I could tell you of my towel thieving!”

Then I’d probably leave because, you know, it’s kind of weird to steal towels.

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