Tag Archives: I am scientific

get to it

Science and technology are overall, pretty great.

I’m glad they are around to give us stuff like electric toothbrushes and hula hoops, and yeah, I was happy when texting became available so I could send my drunken thoughts on jelly donuts (no ever eats them, it’s like this complete myth of a donut) to all my friends.

However, when we consider all the advancements that science has given us, there is one thing that is glaringly amiss:

Hopefully they make a model in something a little more masculine.

Hopefully they make a model in something a little more masculine.

No, not Michael J. Fox’s stunning good looks – I’m talking about the hoverboard.

If there was one thing that I would ask scientists, it would be “What happened to the hoverboard?”  When Back to the Future II hit the theaters, and we saw Marty McFly creating the hoverboard by ripping apart a kid’s scooter, the entire world sat back and said, “Well, forget cancer research, this is something we need to have.”

And after the movie there were rumors – oh how there were rumors!  Mattell was busy constructing one, but didn’t have the resources to do it, and on and on.  With each rumor I wondered – is today the day they finally figure out the hoverboard?

But no.

The years went by and still no hoverboard.  Oh sure, since we first saw the hoverboard we got things like The Hubble Telescope (pictures of space!  Woo hoo!) and the cloning of Dolly The Sheep (now, with cleaner poop!), but who really cares about that stuff?  And since Back to the Future II was set in 2015, the scientists really don’t have much more time to get this thing on track.

Enough of the games, Smart People – I want a hoverboard and I want one now.

Stop everything else and get on it, scientists.  And while you’re at it, figure out how to make it go faster over water, because you better believe I plan on taking that baby to the beach.  We’ll see how cool those surfers think they are then.

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rules of engagement

In the last month or so I’ve been attending a lot of birthday celebrations, and they all typically start out with a large dinner.

This is exciting for me because eating out is one of my favorite things to do.  I’m doing all the same things I do at home – drinking excessive amounts of wine, having semi-intelligent conversation and eating myself into a food coma – only I’m somewhere else!  It’s like a vacation away from the table at my apartment.

Most of these dinner celebrations that I go to go well, and that’s because I am keen to the fact that when going to a large dinner, one thing you must always remember is that it’s all about where you sit.

If you choose the wrong place, you could spend the entire dinner talking to some dude you barely know about how much his pants cost when your good friends are at the opposite end of the table engrossed in an argument over who would win in a race, Superman or The Flash.

You will curse yourself over and over again, wondering why, when you had the chance to properly sidle up next to your friends, you were checking out the menu with all the “funny drink names.”

Then, as you sit there and try and drink yourself into liking the couple of people you’ve been seated around, you must watch in pain as everyone else laughs and laughs and isn’t everything in life just so great!

You make the wrong move and the dinner is hell.  Just like that.

Which is why I follow a few simple rules to make sure my Dinners With Lots Of People Including Some I Don’t Know go well.

First, I scope the scene.  As soon as everyone arrives, and we stand around all awkward because we haven’t started drinking yet, I am on the look out for People I Don’t Know.  I then mark them in my head by saying, “I don’t know that dude.”

This is very scientific.

Next, and most importantly, I make my move when we are casually entering the restaurant.  This is the best time for the move, because everyone is thinking that they are just having dinner with some friends, when in fact you are deciding between life and death.

Finally, if the previous step does not work, I resort to using mind games.  As we near the table, and I realize that I am dreadfully out of position, I will say something like, “Oh, that light is bright.”  When it isn’t even bright! Some sucker will always take the bait and you can switch seats with him and thus enjoy dinner like it was supposed to be.

I beg you, reread those steps.

Read them, know them and most of all – dear god – use them.

If none of that works, I have to tell you, all is lost.  Your best bet is to vomit on someone and leave, because that dinner is not going to be fun, it is just going to be one more Moment With Others that you regret.

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