Tag Archives: I have Rules About Life

don’t call it a comeback

I’ve decided to keep Surviving Myself alive. In the time that I was gone from the blogging world, I found that I did miss the writing, so here we are, once again.

I chose to keep the blog going because one day when I was sitting on my stoop, a young man approached me, and stuck out his hand.

“Pleased to meet you,” he began. “My name is Ralphie, and I loved your blog.  If I don’t eat, I don’t care. If I don’t ever know the warm embrace of a woman or a smallish farm animal, I don’t care. But I must tell you: I care if you quit blogging. So please, please keep it going.”

I shook his hand, and replied, “Nice to meet you Ralphie. I’m going to keep blogging because of your kind words. Now get away from me you freak.”

Sadly, I don’t think I’ll ever hear from young Ralphie again. But his message rang clear: The blog must go on. With some minor changes, of course:

  1. I’m going to post whenever I feel like it now. That means I might post five times in one day, or not at all for a few. This also means that I might post at 4:47 AM after drinking too much. I apologize in advance for those posts, which will definitely include numerous swear words and possible some lamenting over my biological father WHO ABANDONED ME. Uh, sorry.  Moving on.
  2. Now that I’m at number two, I’ve realized that there really isn’t a number two. I said pretty much everything I wanted to say in number one. So. Why don’t you ever see thin rhinoceros? They can’t all be fat.

I have to say it feels good to be back. So thanks for all the kind words on my last post, and to the one guy who bribed me with pictures of a seal hitting a guy in the face with his tail: Please send more.

Onward and upward my friends. Well, at least onward.


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drawing the line

When people sneeze, I do The Right Thing and I say “bless you.”

I wish there was something better to say, but there really isn’t.  Seinfeld had the best suggestion, saying that you should be able to tell the person “You’re sooo good looking.”  But we all know that things aren’t as awesome and great as they are in Seinfeld because if they were, no one would have ever heard of Tyler Perry.

There are limitations on my “bless yous” though.

When someone sneezes too far away, I will not Bless Them, because although it would be quite funny to people, I am not going to stand up in the middle of the room and yell, “BLESS YOU!” to the sneezer to make sure they hear me.

Because if the sneezer doesn’t hear my blessing, then what’s the point?  Obviously there is no value in Doing Nice Things if no one notices and smiles at you and maybe thinks, “Man, he is just a really great person.”

And if you’re a multiple sneezer, good luck my friend.

One sneeze – I am on top of it.  Blessing you before the snot hits your keyboard.

Two sneezes – I am still there, though a little more hesitant.  I might even give you a look suggesting, “Okay, I think we’re all finished here.”

Three sneezes?

You are on your own buddy.

You’ll be looking around to your left, to your right, hoping and praying for someone – anyone – to bless you.  But it won’t be me.  I’m not going to sit around and bless you after every sneeze like some kind of idiot.

I also won’t dish out blessings to people I don’t know.  If we’re friends, then you can count on me to bless your dumb ass every day of the year, but if you’re just some random person on the street, forget about it.

You’ve got to get your “bless yous” from someone else, because I’ll just keep moving and leave you cold and lonely like Britney left her kids.

The way I see it, I’ve got to have my limits, otherwise everything would be chaotic.

And no, of course I don’t ever say “gesundheit.”

I’m not some kind of weirdo.


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