Tag Archives: I help famous people

the brighter side

I’m on record as saying that there is something dreadfully wrong with Jennifer Aniston, but recent events have caused some compassion inside of me for this poor woman.

I just read that she called out Angelina Jolie in a Vogue interview, saying “It was really uncool” what Jolie did behind her back with her ex-husband Brad Pitt.

Now, in the real world of you and I, saying something is “really uncool” is about as gangsta as pleated khakis. But in the parallel universe known as Famous People World, those words mean one thing: “You’s a hoe.”

Jennifer Aniston can call me a hoe, she can call Julia Roberts a hoe, she can even call Nancy Reagan a hoe (who hasn’t?), but she sure as hell cannot call Angelina Jolie a hoe. 

This is it for her.

I give Aniston three days to live.  No way Devil Woman sits back and lets Aniston call her out like this.  

Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of Jolie doing 567 push ups, cracking her knuckles, then practicing crane kicks on whichever of her brown kids she likes the least.

Aniston can try and take the “uncool” statement back, she can try and say that it really wasn’t nice for Jolie to bang her husband behind her back, which you know, it kind of wasn’t, but it’s all too late.

They are going to rumble and in the end Jolie is going to be the only one standing.  It will surely be a sad day for the entertainment industry, but on the positive side, you know what this means, right?  

Girl fight! 

I’m bringing my camera.

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a friend in need

Yeah, I heard.

What?  No, I was watching MTV and instead of Kurt Loder telling me what’s up, some chick who must’ve been thirteen was on there telling me you got your ass thrown in jail.  What the hell ever happened to Loder?  I mean, I think of MTV and I think of one thing:  The Loder.

Sorry.  I know, I know, you’re in jail, let’s concentrate on the matter at hand.

Well, I have to tell you, I don’t understand why you’re smashing cameras.  I think maybe, out of all the celebrities I know, you’re the one most often looking for the spotlight.

I know!  Look, I know.

People love your music.  Hey, I love your music.  But that doesn’t mean you can go around acting like a fucking idiot and smashing cameras when you’re the one who always wants people to love you.

Hold on.

What are you wearing?

No dude.  You are not wearing those damn sunglasses with the slots in the lenses.  Take them off man!  I don’t care if they make you look “hot,” you don’t want Bubba thinking you’re “hot” now do you???

Oh – and the Cosby Sweater too?  Perfect.  That’s just brilliant.  How about you just invite every big, dangerous looking man in there to pummel your face?  Go ahead.  Just tell them, “As you can plainly see, I am wearing a Beat My Ass Sweater, so please, let the festivities begin.”

Damn man.

Okay, anyway.  What do you need?  I mean, why are you calling me?  You have plenty of money – bail your dumbass out of there.

No.

No, I won’t do it!  Well, he’s probably busy first of all.  And second of all, when you’re in jail you’re supposed to be like repenting and shit, not laying down a hot new single about being in jail with Nate Dogg.

What?

Really?

Well, alright, maybe I’ll call him. But you promised, so don’t forget.  Say it.  Say that the next time you hang out with Selita Ebanks you’ll invite me too.

Okay, sweet.

I’m calling Nate now.  And yeah, I’ll tell him to make sure he wears the backwards du-rag.

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it’s for the best

Well.

Here we are again.

I see you have another movie coming out.  Yes, I’m proud of you, but no, I’m not going to see it.

Why?

C’mon Ben.  Let’s not do this again.  We did this after Meet The Parents.  I told you, I just don’t think you’re very funny.  Actually, what I said was, and I am reiterating this again:  “You really fucking suck.”

I know, I know, your movies always make tons of money, and believe me, that makes me happy for you.  It’s great that people pay money to see you play the exact same dumb ass character in every single movie you make.  Hey – look at Adam Sandler – he’s made a career that way too!

What – no Ben – no!  I don’t want to hear about how different Tropic Thunder is going to be.

Because it’s not.

You know it’s not and so do I.

What do you do in this movie Ben?  Let me guess.  Do you somehow manage to get yourself tangled in an awkward situation and then the wild and crazy hijinks ensue?

You do???

Well – I’m shocked!

Oh jesus man, if you do that damn Zoolander face one more time, I swear to god – I don’t fucking care about “Blue Steel” dude – I just don’t!  Yes, it was funny the first time, but not anymore!  It’s time to move on!

Look, we’re friends, right?  So I can tell you this and it won’t hurt your feelings, right?  You’re terrible.  You’re not funny and really never have been. You’re also one of the worst actors of all time, and if you keep starring in these fucking dumb movies, you’ll dethrone Keanu as the worst ever.

Yeah, well, I know.  But I thought Point Break was pretty sweet, so that gives him points over you if I needed a tiebreaker.

I know, as they say, the truth hurts.  It’s going to be alright buddy, just keep your head up and try and think about others before you make another movie that makes people cry inside.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, sure man.  I’ll still come over Friday for Pizza and Pop Night.

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call of duty

When Things Go Wrong, I am usually the type of man to note it, and then promptly move on to things that don’t make me have to think or move too much.

But there is something happening in the world today that I cannot stand any longer – the downfall of Brad Pitt.

His girlfriend, Angelina Jolie (or as I like to call her, Devil Woman) has beaten and crushed the once dashing actor into a shell of a man, with the latest assault being the birth of twins.

I miss the real Brad.

I miss Fight Club Brad.  I miss Snatch Brad.  You remember him, don’t you?  He was a brilliant actor, and he still had some sort of soul behind his eyes.

Look at him – he was still alive!  That was Brad before Devil Woman stabbed his heart with her poisonous ways, snatching up babies faster than she made shitty movies, all the while somehow convincing the world that Brad was okay with this.

Trust me, he’s not.

Brad is dead inside.

Look.

Wait!

You looked into Angelina’s eyes didn’t you???  You fool!  You must break free from her spell!  Think happy thoughts – puppies, Count Chocula, anything!

Better?

Okay.

Now look at Brad and see how broken that man is.  That is not the picture of A Man Who Is Okay With Things.

Well, I’ve had enough.  It’s time to rescue Brad from the clutches of Devil Woman.  Who’s with me?

Now mind you, this is no easy task.  Devil Woman’s ways are cunning and if you get captured, she will use Extreme And Disgusting Torture, such as chaining you to a chair in front of a TV and putting Gone In Sixty Seconds on repeat for days and days.

But if you are strong and you have a sound mind, here’s the plan:  We sneak into their lair.  I grab Brad and start slapping him repeatedly to try and break the spell, while you distract Devil Woman by waving a brown baby doll in her face and telling her that, “It needs you, just look at it, all brown and little…”

Then you throw the doll in the air, and when Angelina goes to catch it, we run like hell with Brad in tow.

It’s time to do something about this travesty.

It’s time to take Brad Pitt back.

It’s time to make things right again.

 

(If you have some time, please check me out at Free and Flawed (a great blog), where I have a guest post today about the wonders of texting.  It’s worth your time – I promise!  Also, tomorrow I will be out of town, so I have another amazing guest post lined up for you, so please check back then and show some love.)

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a man of many talents

I could fall pretty far and still live.

It’s really a unique skill I have.

This is a point I have tried to make to Ari, J.P. and countless others.

“But how far, Chris?  How far???” You must be asking yourself.

If you’re not asking yourself that then you must have Something Better To Think About and if that’s the case then please email me so we can talk about How You Feel.  Or maybe I’ll just steal the idea for my next post.

I could fall eight stories and still live.

No problem at all.

I’d probably break my legs, but otherwise I’d be fine.

Of course I’d shield my face from the fall, because if anything happened to it I’d be out of my job as a George Clooney look-a-like and that would be A Bad Thing.  George gets a huge attitude when things go wrong – trust me, it’s not pretty.

See, the secret is that you have to roll when you hit the ground.

I learned that from watching movies about combat, like Navy Seals.

Also, I wouldn’t be running and jumping out of the window, it’d be a slow and controlled fall.

Frankly, I laugh when I hear about people dying from falling out of windows at anything under eight stories.

Okay, maybe I don’t laugh.

But I certainly think about how I would have done things better and not have let some enraged lover push me out – because that is just silly.

I think that my ability to fall really far and still live would even make me something of a celebrity.

I can see the headlines now, “Man Falls Eight Stories and Lives!  Cool Blog Too!”

I’d be in the hospital and everyone would Feel Bad For Me and I’d get rich from the book deal and George would be okay with it because my face would be fine and I’d tell people to read my blog and they would and maybe I wouldn’t even have to do the dishes anymore.

I imagine it’ll go something like that.

Don’t you?

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the time has come

Alright Madonna, that’s enough.

Do you hear me?  That is enough!

I love your old stuff, you know, the albums you made back when you had talent.

But your new album Hard Candy is about to drop – and as your favortite blogger – I’ve got to tell you that you need to stop.

Please don’t make any more watered down songs with every single pop star out there in hopes of getting some love from fans.

I see you have songs with Timbaland, Justin Timberlake and Pharell on Hard Candy.  And of course you threw in the obligatory song produced by Kanye.

I’m sorry, but it’s not going to work.

You haven’t had a good album since Ray of Light, and even that was a stretch.

Also, do you realize that you’re forty-nine (about to be fifty in August) years old???

Let me tell you something.

It is not okay for a forty-nine year old to do this:

You’re an old lady, okay???

Old ladies, whether or not they are one of the greatest pop sensations of all time, must wear pants.

You should be at home, caring for your kids and trying not to freak them out with your Kabbalah teachings.

Or, if you’re feeling bored, go adopt (steal) some more brown babies from far away countries – I hear rich people just love those brown babies!

Just stop making this shitty music, because it is over for you.

And if you do that for me, I promise to keep Open Your Heart on heavy rotation on my iPhone.

You can count on that.

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