Tag Archives: I help people

he never really left

Admit it – you were wondering where Dan Cortese has been.

You remember watching him on MTV Sports and thinking, “That guy has the best job in the world, and he even gets to act like a complete jack ass while doing it.”

Man do I miss the days where wearing a bandana was socially acceptable.

Man do I miss the days where wearing a bandanna was socially acceptable.

You loved the Seinfeld episode where Cortese plays George’s man crush Tony, the only Cool Guy George has ever been friends with. When Cortese tells George to “Step off” it made you smile. You thought: “Dan Cortese is someone I’d really like to have in my life.”

But then poof!

He disappeared.

But why do you read this blog? No, not because you’re lonely and have a job that makes you want to gut yourself, because I help you!

I found Dan Cortese. That’s right! While you were out living your life and Doing Things, I found that missing link, that whole in your heart, that hunk of a man that sometimes replaces your significant other in fantasies which is weird because you normally don’t like brunettes.

He’s about to star in a new show pitting athletes and “celebrities” against each other, called The Superstars.

There you have it.

You have Dan Cortese back in your life, all thanks to me. I don’t want gifts and I don’t want applause. I simply want to be able to wear a bandanna and have you say I look great.

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scary

Alright single dudes everywhere, today is Halloween, which means tonight there will be Halloween parties. Let me repeat that (I stole that line from Biden) – Halloween parties.

You know what Halloween parties mean, right?  It is the closest you will ever come to lots of scantily clad women getting wasted.  Unless you were one of those dudes who went to a huge college and was in a frat that had parties like “Show Your Boob Night,” and in which case let me just say – I hate you.

Tonight, single men, is your best chance at getting laid.  Even better than the time you told that girl that Beaches is your favorite movie.

Everywhere you look there will be slutty versions of everything you could possibly imagine.

Slutty nurses.

Slutty teachers.

Slutty chalk boards.

Slutty sluts.

Yes.

Even slutty sluts.

All you have to do is spark a conversation with a girl at the party and hope for the best.

Single Dude: [Sliding up next to a slutty teacher] “So you know, I went to school.”

Slutty Teacher: “Oh my god!  So did I!”

Single Dude: “Yeah, I could tell. You know, what with the skirt that shows your butt cheeks and all.  My teachers wore that same outfit.  It was pretty rad.”

Slutty Teacher: “Hahaha!  You’re funny, let’s make out until we puke on each other!”

Single Dude: “Sounds good.”

It really is that easy guys.

Put on a mask, grab a six pack and get your ass to a party.  Oh and remember, if you’re going to do four keg stands and nine shots before you start trying to meet girls, your Soldier might not be ready for battle when the time comes to attack.

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choose wisely

I’m a big fan of using Paper-Rock-Scissors to solve any Difficult Decisions in my life.

If Ari and I are trying to figure out who has to take Jack out in the rain – we’re throwing down.  If a friend and I are choosing which bar to go to – better get ready to rumble.

One, two, three  – shoot!  And just like that, all decisions are made for you.  Of course, it’s best to do two out of three.  I’m not some idiot who lives life on the edge by just throwing once.

I really think that if Paper-Rock-Scissors was more prominent in our society, it would lead to nothing but positives.

Important Political Dude: “So, this is it, I win this last one and we don’t invade Iraq.”

Bush: “Yeah, yeah I got it. Quit yer stalling, city boy – you’re going down!”

[Important Political Dude throws rock, effectively crushing Bush’s scissors play]

Important Political Dude: “Yes!  Okay, you lose, no invading Iraq.”

Bush: [Face red with anger] “Dangnabbit!  Fine.  What other countries have lots of brown people?”

And not only on this scale – imagine how much better your life would be if Paper-Rock-Scissors was used in everyday situations.

Like when you and your Special Someone are deciding whether to have kids.

Your Other wants to have kids, you don’t.  Obviously the best way to determine this decision is to play the game.  And don’t you dare go with some rookie move of playing scissors first – if you do, diarrhea diapers here you come buddy.

I am asking you, what better way is there to make Difficult Decisons?  And no, don’t even try and tell me about Drawing Straws, I’m not a little boy.

I’m a man and I need Man Things like Paper-Rock-Scissors to determine my path in life.

That’s how I roll, and I suggest you do the same.

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