Tag Archives: I like big butts and I cannot lie


I saw Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige last night at the Garden.

To a hip-hop fan like me, this is basically what I imagine heaven is like, only in heaven they wouldn’t charge you eight dollars for a beer. It would be free. And it would be handed to me by Vida Guerra.

I got goose bumps no less than 43 times during the show – and that was before Beyonce came out.

Oh yes.

She stormed out onto the stage looking all sassy and danced for a couple minutes, but then walked back off just as quickly.

It was odd, but I think it was enough time for her to see me waving at her.

In fact, I’m pretty sure she winked at me, but I didn’t want to tell Ari because sometimes she can get jealous about how many Famous Women With Large Asses love me.

It’s a sore spot in our relationship.

I try and reason with her, I really do. I tell her, “But Ari, they only want me for my body!”

She doesn’t listen though.

She sees the way Kim looks at me and it drives her crazy.

Somehow, through all the fights and me promising to buy her Expensive Things, we have reached a compromise. She can’t get too mad about these women because I don’t get mad about Ryan Gosling being obsessed with her.

I don’t get upset about Ryan, because look at him.

I could totally kick his ass.


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i dream of dancing

If I could have one wish from a genie it would be to be able to do The Robot, really, really well.

I’m talking The Best In The World.

I’d do it all the time.

In the bodega, someone would ask where they can find the trash bags, and look out! I’d be popping and locking in that direction, helping that person out.

Oh, and parties? Forget about it.

I’d be invited to so many parties that I’d have to cancel on people, maybe even Eva Mendes‘ bash. But I’d probably find time for that one.

I’d pick being able to rock The Robot because I wouldn’t want to Punk Out on my genie and go with the “I wish for a million more wishes” wish.

Because you know, my genie would be doing me a favor, and I wouldn’t want to be an ass.

Whoever the genie was that granted that wish the very first time, basically screwed all the other genie’s for the rest of eternity.

Can you imagine?

A couple genie’s were probably out at happy hour, swapping horror stories about The Biz, when another genie came in and shared the bad news: “Did you hear??? Frank granted someone a million more wishes! Well, we’re fucked now!”

Needless to say, Frank was not a popular dude.

But I wouldn’t pull that shit on my genie.

I’d take the The Robot, impress – oh I don’t know – everyone in the world – and be happy with that.

Plus, I hear that Eva loves a good dancer.


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