On my way to the gym, I’m sitting on the train and listening to some rocking jams when my phone freezes. Of course this is not shocking to me, because although the iPhone makes you 37% cooler than other people, it fucks up all the time.
I decide to just forget it and brave the commute without music.
The snoring coming from the Dog The Bounty Hunter lookalike to my left makes me want to vomit in my mouth, but somehow I don’t.
I get to the gym and realize that I didn’t pack my shorts. I think for a second about how fun it would be to just work out in my boxer briefs, but then realize that it might be against club policy, so I decide that I’m going to have to buy some new ones at the store.
The store is closed.
I ask one of the personal trainers what time it opens and she tells me seven.
It is 7:10.
I decide to wait around for a couple minutes.
I stand in front of the store looking like some kind of jack ass as people pass by me and wonder if maybe I’m trying to get a peep in the women’s locker room, which is located right next to the store. I think I even see one of the women mouth “Pervert” as she walks by. I take it as a compliment.
After standing there for way too long and freaking out some of the women, I decide to leave. Just as I’m about to walk out with my bag in tow, I see the guy who runs the shop opening it up.
I am excited. I think that maybe my morning might not be so shitty after all.
The store does not have any shorts my size. The guy tries to convince me that a extra large would fit me, but I just look at him and say, “I don’t think this is going to work out” and leave.
I walk to work and when I get there, I realize that because my phone won’t work, I can’t access the code to turn off the alarm once I get inside.
I decide to go in anyway because I think I can remember the code.
I get in and the alarm starts blazing.
I can’t remember the code.
I start searching the other desks frantically, hoping that someone has it written down somewhere. Meanwhile the alarm is going off, my phone won’t work and dammit I am not an extra large.
My ears are about to begin bleeding when I plug my phone into the charger to see if that will turn it on. It works. I turn off the alarm and sit down at my desk.
Ten minutes go by.
I hear the door to the front of the office open, and in walk two cops.
I tell them that I set the alarm off and they just shake their heads. They ask me if I have any dead bodies hidden under the desk.
I smile and say, “Not yet.”
They leave and I turn back to my computer. I try my phone and it does not work. I tell it that it is going to burn in hell.
It is 7:57.