Yesterday Ari and I went to the Brooklyn Museum because it was raining and it was the only thing we could think of to do that didn’t involve sitting on the couch.
I know you enjoy hearing about the intense boringness that is my life, so I have provided you some of the highlights from my day at the center of art and smelly old things.
- The secret, apparently, to getting your collection featured in a museum is… Boners. That’s it. Just put some boners on your art and there you have it. I counted at least seven different installations with boners galore yesterday. Who knew that when I was 16 and busy staring at Leslie Carter in study hall I was creating a work of art?
- Security guards at museums are not your friend. They were giving me The Stink Eye the entire day, and I was seriously unnerved by it. Of course, it might have had something to do with my Boner Speech that I made to Ari.
- When we came upon a little stone statue of a bear, the title was “Crouching Bear.” I remarked to Ari that I would like that to be my nickname from now on, saying, “It’s perfect. Because I’m strong, but people don’t expect anything crazy from me. Then, suddenly, I attack!” She sighed and said that “Grouchy Bear” was a much better fit. Sadly, she was right.
- At one point I was talking loudly and Ari told me to stop being so loud. Of course I got louder and started wondering why you have to be quiet in museums in the first place. The art can’t hear you. What, am I going to wake up the boobless mummy? Is the ancient carpet going to rouse from its beauty sleep and maybe start vacuuming itself? Because frankly, it could use it. Silence is for losers. And boobless dead people.
- The people who work at the gift shops have to have the most boring jobs ever. I was about ten seconds away from poking this woman yesterday just to see if she was still alive. I also saw a pretty sweet dinosaur key chain and I wanted to know how much it was. Yes, of course it was T-Rex. I’m not some kind of idiot.
That about sums it up.
As you can see, I can be quite the entertaining museum guest, providing you with useful information and exclusive insights. In fact, I may have just found a new career path.
I wonder if Leslie Carter is job hunting too.
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