Tag Archives: I’m a scientist

brain trust

There are currently hundreds of top scientists from around the world trying to build an elevator that would take stuff into space.



From places as far away and weird as Japan.  And Nebraska.

I’m kind of confused by this plan, because I always thought that scientists are supposed to be working on Things That Matter, not building a box that goes really high and maybe lets people touch stars or something.

If I was Chief Science Person, then I’d probably be directing our world’s brightest minds to tasks that really need tending to.

How about a liquor that doesn’t make you yell “I’m fucking awesome!” at random dudes with biceps the size of your head?

Or what about milk that disappears when it expires, instead of tempting you to play the Milk Roulette game and ask yourself, “Is the risk of puking worth having a bowl of Count Chocula?”

And while the scientists are at it, maybe they could invent Socially Acceptable Flannel, just so all the rednecks could have one thing to tell people they know more about than anyone else.

These are just a couple things that I think are more worthy than building a damn elevator to Uranus.

I can’t end on that joke, can I?

I mean, that’s not bad.  It’s not good, but c’mon, think about an elevator to your butt.

Unless you have already, and if that’s the case, maybe you should call the scientists and give them some pointers.


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I think that I may not be as smart as I think I am.

Every morning, when I come into the office, I take off my coat.

Usually, I’m thinking about Something Important, like how I wish my life was like Perfect Strangers, because Balki would always make me laugh at his Funny Foreign Ways.

Then – with this pleasant thought still in my brain – I go to hang up my coat.  And every single time, I get shocked by the doorknob on the closet door.

This happens every fucking day of my life.

Okay, Monday through Friday.  Or maybe not even that much, if I happen to be “sick” and stay home, which really means that I’m watching Sportscenter.

Tell me, what is The Deal with static electricity?  It doesn’t help anyone.  It’s not even beneficial to society, like public toilets.

Every day it gets the best of me.

I reach for the doorknob, get shocked, and then: “Fuck!”  Luckily, I’m usually in before the boss, so my yelping obscenities hasn’t had too much affect on my job status.  Yet.

I don’t understand.

We are an Advanced Society, right?  How is it that no one has tackled the epidemic that is static electricity?

We have phones that can take pictures of Ugly People (I don’t do this, other people do this) and yet we live in a world ruled by little electric shocks that either make your hand sting or make your clothes stick to you in a way that makes people wonder if you’re homeless.

Well, today was the last straw for me.

No more being outsmarted by static electricity.

I’m going to dedicate all of my time, money, and Wits to defeating it.  Or maybe I’ll just bitch about it some more and do the same thing tomorrow.


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