I’m a guy who appreciates fashion, so yes, at one point in my life, I thought it was socially acceptable to wear pink shirts and no, I don’t feel like there will ever be a time when I can forgive myself for that.
Because I try to be stylish, I’ve participated in almost every fashion trend, from Jeans That Look Like They’re Old But Aren’t to the Great Graphic Tee Epidemic of 07. I hear the latter ended when a GUESS? manager demanded a blue t-shirt – without an ironic helicopter on it – and threatened to hold the store employees hostage until he got one. Yes, it was a brutal as it sounds.
The one trend that I simply cannot, and will not adopt though, is wearing skinny jeans.
I do not wear skinny jeans for two simple reasons: 1) I’m not a rock star in a band with songs about how sad trees are when you think about it and 2) I don’t hate myself. If either of these were true, I’d probably be wearing skinny jeans every day of my life, but thankfully they’re not.
The skinny jean look on men doesn’t work for several reasons.
For starters, they hug the equipment too tightly. Our equipment, as ugly as it can be, needs space to operate. It is not meant to be squeezed together like Rosie O’Donnell in a spandex jumper. Without space a man’s equipment begins to ache, and with the hurting comes the readjusting, and with the readjusting comes the public humiliation that makes men feel sad, which causes them to buy more skinny jeans. It’s a vicious cycle.
Also, skinny jeans display what men’s legs really are: scrawny twigs that somehow support our bodies. If you surveyed men across the nation, you’d find that about 87% of them have tiny legs. The only ones who don’t abuse steroids, and you know what they say about men on steroids- well, nothing really, because men on steroids have big muscles.
Finally, skinny jeans make other men hate you. There is no explanation necessary here. You will lose friends if you choose to wear jeans that look like they belong on the rack at Baby GAP.
There really are no benefits to the skinny jean look for men and it doesn’t matter how hard they try.
I won’t be taking part of this trend. Instead, I’ll ride the wave out, and wait for what I hear is the next big thing: leopard print thongs. On top of the pants.
I’ve just got one thing to say about that – rawrr!