I don’t have a big problem with bugs because we have a deal – they don’t fuck with me and I let them live to be Generally Gross another day.
And really I don’t even encounter that many bugs living here, which is a perk of the city. You know how gnats are the most annoying thing ever, aside from Heidi Montag? Well, there are no gnats here. Sadly, Ari still worships The Hills, but that’s another story.
This morning though, a bug broke our deal.
Of course it was a moth, because I could care less about every single bug except moths. Those things are fucking nasty.
They have fur and they have wings! What kind of creature has fur and wings??? A Devil Creature, that’s what.
My encounter with the moth happened when I entered the bathroom in our office this morning.
We leave the windows open even though there are no screens because some people make Smells That Hurt My Feelings in there, so the moth must have come in overnight.
I went to flush the urinal and the Devil Creature was hiding under the handle.
Thus the battle began.
He immediately made his move. Right for my neck.
I reeled backwards and yelled “Ahhhwhatthefuckgetawayfrommeeee!” as I swatted the air helplessly.
Mind you my pants were still unzipped, so if someone had come in, it would have made me look like I was so happy to be in the bathroom that I undid my pants and started dancing. Not something I normally do. Well, at least not on Wednesdays.
Unphased by my scream and zipper-down dance of hysteria, the moth kept swooping down at me – over and over again. Kind of like that Nelly song.
This is when I tried to blow him out the window.
I was swatting and blowing, “Phoooo!” “Phoooo!,” the moth was swooping, and I started to think that this must be what it’s like to go insane. It looked like I was having a complete mental breakdown, but inside my head, everything made perfect sense.
Finally, as if the Bug Gods had taken pity on me, I swatted the moth out through the window.
I looked around.
I wiped the sweat off my forehead.
I zipped up.
Now somewhere out in the streets of Manhattan, there is a moth laughing at me with all his moth friends.
And I just think that’s pretty mean.