Tag Archives: I’m not as good of a dancer as I thought I was

surprise attack

I don’t have a big problem with bugs because we have a deal – they don’t fuck with me and I let them live to be Generally Gross another day.

And really I don’t even encounter that many bugs living here, which is a perk of the city. You know how gnats are the most annoying thing ever, aside from Heidi Montag? Well, there are no gnats here. Sadly, Ari still worships The Hills, but that’s another story.

This morning though, a bug broke our deal.

Of course it was a moth, because I could care less about every single bug except moths. Those things are fucking nasty.

They have fur and they have wings! What kind of creature has fur and wings??? A Devil Creature, that’s what.

My encounter with the moth happened when I entered the bathroom in our office this morning.

We leave the windows open even though there are no screens because some people make Smells That Hurt My Feelings in there, so the moth must have come in overnight.

I went to flush the urinal and the Devil Creature was hiding under the handle.

Thus the battle began.

He immediately made his move. Right for my neck.

I reeled backwards and yelled “Ahhhwhatthefuckgetawayfrommeeee!” as I swatted the air helplessly.

Mind you my pants were still unzipped, so if someone had come in, it would have made me look like I was so happy to be in the bathroom that I undid my pants and started dancing. Not something I normally do. Well, at least not on Wednesdays.

Unphased by my scream and zipper-down dance of hysteria, the moth kept swooping down at me – over and over again. Kind of like that Nelly song.

This is when I tried to blow him out the window.

I was swatting and blowing, “Phoooo!” “Phoooo!,” the moth was swooping, and I started to think that this must be what it’s like to go insane. It looked like I was having a complete mental breakdown, but inside my head, everything made perfect sense.

Finally, as if the Bug Gods had taken pity on me, I swatted the moth out through the window.

I looked around.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead.

I zipped up.

Now somewhere out in the streets of Manhattan, there is a moth laughing at me with all his moth friends.

And I just think that’s pretty mean.

Advertisements

67 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

deal

I saw Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige last night at the Garden.

To a hip-hop fan like me, this is basically what I imagine heaven is like, only in heaven they wouldn’t charge you eight dollars for a beer. It would be free. And it would be handed to me by Vida Guerra.

I got goose bumps no less than 43 times during the show – and that was before Beyonce came out.

Oh yes.

She stormed out onto the stage looking all sassy and danced for a couple minutes, but then walked back off just as quickly.

It was odd, but I think it was enough time for her to see me waving at her.

In fact, I’m pretty sure she winked at me, but I didn’t want to tell Ari because sometimes she can get jealous about how many Famous Women With Large Asses love me.

It’s a sore spot in our relationship.

I try and reason with her, I really do. I tell her, “But Ari, they only want me for my body!”

She doesn’t listen though.

She sees the way Kim looks at me and it drives her crazy.

Somehow, through all the fights and me promising to buy her Expensive Things, we have reached a compromise. She can’t get too mad about these women because I don’t get mad about Ryan Gosling being obsessed with her.

I don’t get upset about Ryan, because look at him.

I could totally kick his ass.

45 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

sing you bastard, sing

If you go to the gym every morning like I do, you begin to take notice of certain “regulars” who are there at the same time as you.

I have nicknames for all of them, and they are all entertaining in their own ways. Over time I’ll post about each one, but my favorite, is The Singer.

The Singer sings along to his iPod – at the top of his lungs – from the time he gets to the gym to the time he leaves.

From looking at him, you’d expect him to just be a Normal Dude, but he clearly is not. He has a song in his heart and he wants you to know it.

The songs he sings are always about love and relationships, and he even puts inflection into his singing, like he is right there with the band, belting out his feelings about a scorned lover.

The Singer is always there and he is always singing.

When I am just finishing my run. “But you don’t LOVE ME anymore!”

When I have just finished a set of curls. “Why HAS HE LEFT, he was my ONE and only!”

When I am getting dressed to go to work. “Oh you LOOK lovely, YOU are my baby!”

Non-stop.

And I hope you don’t think that The Singer is limited to just singing.

Because the man can dance too.

Just this morning – as he was getting ready to do some bench presses – he dipped his shoulder, shimmied his hips ever so slightly, gave the mirror a Sassy Look, and slipped smoothly onto the bench. Oh yes, he was also singing, “GIRL, it’s time WE TOOK the next step!”

I’ve tried to identify the songs that he sings, but I never can.

If I could, you better believe I’d jump right in with him, sing my ass off and try (TRY!) to simulate his Dance Moves Of Sexiness.

The Singer makes my mornings at the gym go by quickly.

I can always count on him to be singing and dancing – straight into my heart.

51 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized