Tag Archives: I’m really a man I swear

just a boy

I couldn’t shave this morning because I ran out of shaving cream yesterday and I may have been too distracted to buy more and instead bought some Silly Putty.

Which is Good because you can make a ball and copy comic strips and then stretch them out and laugh, but Bad because you can’t use it to shave.  At least that’s what I hear.

Without a way to shave, I arrived at the gym and for the first time today looked at my face.  It was that instant that I realized something terrifying, disheartening and terrifying all over again:  I still can’t grow a beard.

This wasn’t a big deal when I was 17 because only the hairiest of the hairy could grow a beard.  But now, at 29, it is a big problem.

I remember my first attempt to grow some Man Face, and let me tell you, it was a disaster.  Back then I had two spots that wouldn’t grow hair and they were big – so I ended up with this scraggly Amish-looking beard that frightened small children and made women frown.

Not being able to grow a beard as an adult is especially troublesome to me because it basically means that I’ll never be a real man.

Never.

No matter what I do or say, because I have this little, tiny patch under my chin that won’t grow any hair for some scientific reason, I will never be able to proudly say that I Am Man.

Sure I work out and have abs that you could bounce a penny off of (that sounded manly right?) and sure I box and sure I like sports and sure I Enjoy The Women, but I’m not a real man.

It’s sad, but that’s the way it is.

At least I still have my Silly Putty, which, by the way, I made into a perfect little box last night.

That has to count for something, right?

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putting myself out there

Everyone knows about my love for white dude rock, but it became apparent to me this morning while I was at the gym that I have some other songs on my iPod that I’m not too proud of. The following is a list of songs that makes me wonder what’s wrong with me.

 

Kylie Minogue – “Love At First Sight

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Oh yes. When this songs thumping dance beat hits my headphones, suddenly I’m lifting those weights so much faster. When she croons, “Thought about givin’ up, didn’t know what to do, then there was yoooouu” I think to myself, “That’s right Kylie! Don’t give up on love and I won’t give up on this bench press!” When this gem comes on I feel so energized, I feel ready for anything, but most of all I feel like shaking my money maker.

Duncan Sheik – “Barely Breathing

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Poor Duncan, why has she wronged you? Look at that face! How could she play with your tender face that way??? This song is the direct opposite of Kylie. I hear this and instantly I’m mulling over the deeper issues in my life, like “Why don’t I have any more peanut butter in the apartment?” and “I think I’ve only seen the back of my head once in all of my life.” Duncan puts me in a deep, mellow mood, ready to answer any question with, “I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears.” That might not be a good thing to say to the men I know in my life though.

P.M. Dawn – “Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

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Yeah right – this song is fucking awesome.

Sugar Ray – “Someday

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Yup, more white dude rock. This song puts me in a fun, I’m lucky I grew up in a middle class family kinda mood. So what if lead singer Mark McGrath says the exact same thing over and over and over during the song – it’s a classic. With lines like “We’ll take a swim in the deep blue sea, I go to leave and you reach for me” it’s obvious that Sugar Ray is deeper than most people give them credit for. This song also makes me want to skip. Skipping down the streets of Brooklyn is not usually a good idea, but with my white dude music playing, I don’t have a care in the world.

Madonna – “Into the Groove

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This is Madonna’s best song. Hands down. And don’t try and argue with me, I will fight for old school (only old school, her new stuff sucks) Madonna ’till the death! This song has a similar effect like that of Kylie’s – I am a dancing machine! This was also featured in that crappy “Desperately Seeking Susan” movie, but don’t knock it because of that. If this song doesn’t get your body moving, I don’t know what to tell you. Well, maybe something like, “Music can be such a revelation, dancing around, you’ll feel the sweet sensation!” There really is no comeback for that line – don’t even try it.

 

Well there you have it, my wussy music has been officially outed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go grow a moustache, chop some firewood, arm wrestle a bear, crush a beer can on my head, lift something really heavy and listen to some music about having sex with lots of women.

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