Tag Archives: Indiana Jones is Awesome

real adventure

When I was growing up, the first thing I ever imagined myself becoming when I was an adult was Indiana Jones. I figured, like any young boy would, that getting women, punching the shit out of Bad Dudes and saving enslaved children by grabbing some weird rock was a pretty good life.

Of course now that I’m an Adult, I’ve been sucker punched by this thing called Real Life, and to my dismay – I don’t think I’m ever going to be Indiana Jones.

In fact, the closest I ever get to it is the mad dash to a train that is about to leave the station. There really isn’t anything more exciting than seeing the subway doors start to close and jumping into the car right at the last possible second.

I actually take quite a bit of pride in my ability, too. It’s not for the faint-hearted. Sky diving? Please. Try weaving through a crowd of angry commuters (knocking the weak aside if that’s what is necessary) and leaping through the air to catch a train – all to save yourself ten minutes. Now that is what I call Extreme.

The best part about it is seeing the faces of doubt when I make my move toward the train. When I pick up my pace to a steady jog, I always see the people who have exited the subway and I know what they’re thinking:

“He’ll never make it.”

“What a fool! He’s going to be ten minutes later than he thought!”

“I think his fly is down and I’m feeling intrigued.”

But I keep going! Why? Because this is my Temple of Doom! This is my Lost Ark! And damn you to hell if you think it will be my Last Crusade!

When the doors begin to close, that’s when I make my jump, straightening myself out so as to give myself the most room possible to squeeze through.

Then, when I make it on the train, I always take a look around at the people on there already. I nod at the few who have just witnessed this miracle, this Feat Of Amazingness, and feel bad for those who missed it.

Jumping onto trains at the last minute may not be fulfilling my dream to one day become Indiana Jones, but it certainly comes close.

Let’s see an archaeologist do that.

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cover letter

Sometimes I sit at my desk and think to myself, “How is this what I ended up becoming?”

When I was young I had much more exciting things in mind for myself when I got Old.

Not once do I recall imagining myself as a pseudo-writer who obsesses about his blog and sometimes wishes he could drink whiskey at his desk.

No, I had much more planned for myself when I was a kid.

First I wanted to be a firefighter. This dream fizzled out when I realized that firemen had to actually fight fires – which are hot – and not just push around a toy fire engine and say, “Vrooommm!” all day long.

Though I think some of them still do that.

After that, I thought maybe I could be a Sound Effects Man for the movies. I could make really good sound effects, like the sound of a gun or something blowing up, so I thought that would be A Good Career. I had no idea that sound effects are made by a machine and not a kid who wears green corduroys, so that idea died.

Then I wanted to be a member of the A-Team. Sadly, this idea disappeared when I was playing A-Team with some friends and I thought some girl was A Bad Guy, so I punched her like any good A-Team member would do. She was not playing A-Team with us, so I had to sit in the corner.

I got the teacher back by crawling under the desks whenever she turned her back to the class. I was a Good Student.

After The A-Team Incident, I saw Raiders of the Lost Ark, and wanted to become an archaeologist. Somehow I failed to realize that they do not actually get to kiss pretty women, defeat the Nazis and dodge boulders all day long, so that career faded for me as well.

Now, after all that, here I am.

Not fighting fires, not making cool stuff with B.A. Baracus and definitely not defeating the Nazis.

Sometimes though, when my boss edits an article of mine entirely too much, I wait for her to turn around and bam! I’m crawling around under the desks.

I guess things turned out okay after all.

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raiders of the lost table setting

My apartment has many things in it.  It has strategically hidden Terrible Towels, because Ari won’t let me hang them where everyone can admire their beauty.

It also has tons of silverware.

If you’re like us, you have mismatched silverware collected over time from various, unknown sources.  Our silverware drawer is like an archaeological dig.  I reach into it, pull out a spoon and declare, “Ah!  What a fine spoon this is!  An excellent find!”

Then I eat my Kix.

The one thing I don’t like though, is when I get a Little Fork.

You know, that fork that looks like it was made for a baby tyrannosaurus?  Or maybe something not that cool – maybe just a very small man.

When I end up with the Little Fork, it’s like I’m being punished.

Me: [Noticing the Little Fork mocking me from the table] “Uh, isn’t there a bigger one?”

Ari: [Sitting down] “Well, maybe next time you’ll remember to take out the trash like I asked you.”

[I stare down at the Little Fork.  It is laughing at me.  It really is.]

Ari: [Enjoying her Regular Fork] “Now eat your peas, though you might only be able to eat them one at a time.”

[She enjoys saying this]

Why does the Little Fork even exist?

I’m not a child!

I need a fork that can pick up large chunks of somewhat enjoyable food and shovel it into my mouth at speeds that alarm those that eat with me!

From now on, when I’m faced with having to prepare for a meal, I am Indiana Jones.

I’m going in there – ruggedly handsome as always – grabbing the biggest, mightiest fork I can find and getting out of there.

I’m not sure if I’ll wear the hat, but I probably will.

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