Tag Archives: it’s okay if you like old ladies


This morning while I was on the treadmill and I couldn’t help but wonder if my knees were too small for my legs.  

I was all set to write a post about that thrilling observation, but luckily for you I saw a feature on the news that caught my eye:  Apparently there’s a gym uptown that encourages its patrons to take a nap after the yoga class that is taught there.

There were shots of people being tucked in after the class, then testimony from the instructors about how beneficial it was for people to sleep and, in essence, drool on the floor while dreaming about whether they really do like grapes or just think they like grapes.

Well this is just a brilliant plan.

Look, I know about 98.7% of my readers are women, and you might not want to hear this – but yoga is fucking boring enough as it is, telling people to take a nap afterward is kind of redundant.

Yes, yoga is difficult, but it is mind-numbingly boring.  

You do a move and then you sit there.

You do a move and then you sit there.

And on and on until you’re so bored you start thinking the old woman’s butt in front of you isn’t that bad.  But maybe that’s just me.

Having people take naps after yoga is like telling someone to watch Renée Zellweger movies, you’re just encouraging stupidity.

Why doesn’t the gym just give out complimentary cheeseburgers at the door?

If you’re going to take a nap after working out, just stay home.  Okay?  Leave the gym for the rest of us who are serious about working out, especially those of us who may or may not need extra time for bulking up their knees.


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People who stumbled upon my blog searching for “without underwear.”

Today I want to tell you something that I am extremely proud of.

In the right pocket of my pants right now, there is a stick of Burt’s Bees chapstick that I’ve had for three months now.

That’s right, you read that correctly, three months.

Do you even realize how difficult it is to keep the same chapstick for three months, without losing it once?  It’s like getting Thom Yorke of Radiohead to stop being so damn weird all the time – an incredibly arduous task.

This is why my chapstick is a great source of pride for me.

Some people are proud of the way they’ve helped others, some people are proud of scholarly achievements, but I don’t want any part of that my friends.

No, let me bear the weight of keeping track of a single tube of chapstick, with each day of use dangerously raising the risk of losing it.

But no!

I will not be defeated!

And when I listen to people who say silly things like, “Dude it’s just chapstick, you can always buy another one,”  I laugh!  Oh how I laugh!

For these people do not realize what I’m really doing.  These feeble-minded people, who treat their chapstick with the reckless abandon one treats their grandparents when they get too old to remember to send them money on their birthdays, do not understand.

I am persevering!

I am rising above the carelessness of every day life!

And most importantly, I am keeping a promise I made to a small Moroccan boy, whose parents could not afford chapstick, and who wanted me  – no matter what happened – to never lose my chapstick.

Yes that small Moroccan boy never existed, but I will never forget him, and I will never forget my chapstick.


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a healthier you

It’s winter again, and with that comes people freaking out over going outside with their hair wet.  Every winter I hear it: “Oh no, my hair’s wet, I’m going to get sick!”


No you’re not.

You get sick from germs, okay.  Germs.  You remember Bald Man sneezing behind you while you were waiting on line to buy that sweater (blue does not look good on you, by the way)?  That’s how you get sick.

You remember Hacking Old Lady in the elevator yesterday, who may or may not have been checking you out which may or may not have turned you on in an “I think I have problems” kind of way?  That’s how you get sick.

It’s not from your hair being wet.

You want to take a shower and step out into the freezing winter day with nothing but your socks on?  Go ahead.  You won’t get sick from it.  You might, depending on how many Fried Foods Tuesdays you’ve enjoyed, scar people who see you for life, but you won’t catch a cold.

If you really don’t want to get sick this year, how about washing your hands once in awhile?  Maybe instead of not washing up after you take a piss because you have to rush back to your work computer to see if anyone wants to gchat with you (they see the green “available” dot and they are not taking the bait dude, let it go) you take a minute and scrub those hands.

It doesn’t matter though. You’re probably reading this and thinking that it makes sense, but you still don’t believe me, and that’s fine.

But just remember, I’m a guy who you’ve never met who also writes a blog, and that makes me an Expert About Everything.


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