Tag Archives: Man Things

men, men, men!

Tomorrow night, before the blogger meet-up and the fight, a few of my Man Friends and I are going to pregame at my apartment before we go to the bar.

Yes, that is something alcoholics do.

Because this is an event of epic proportions, I have titled the gathering Man Fest ’09. I realize that, sadly, there are a few of you out there who don’t know anything about Man Fests, so I have posted some FAQ’s below for not only your enjoyment, but your education.

1) Why is it called Man Fest?

It’s called Man Fest because there will be an apartment full of Men and one male dog doing Man Things like drinking so much that they almost die and seeing who can punch the apartment ceiling.

2) When was the first Man Fest?

The first Man Fest was a long, long time ago, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. One day, ChokChok wandered into Moot’s cave by accident, and because Moot was having a good time punching the wall, ChokChok decided to stay and punch the wall as well. Shortly after this, Ung heard all the punching and laughing, so he decided to come into Moot’s cave and hang out too. All three men punched the wall, then punched each other, and laughed and had a Generally Fun Time. That was the first Man Fest.

3) Can I come to Man Fest?

Are you now, or are you in the early stages of becoming, a Man? Then yes. Otherwise, no. It’s for your own good.

4) What does one wear to a Man Fest?

Casual attire is encouraged. Also, anything flammable is always a hit.

5) Has anyone famous ever attended a Man Fest?

Yes. In 1992, fresh off of the classic film White Men Can’t Jump, Wesley Snipes attended Man Fest ’92 in Los Lunas, New Mexico. A funny story from that event was that even though it was held at night, Snipes wore his sunglasses the entire time and insisted that everyone in attendance high-five him after every joke he made. It was obviously one of the best Man Fests ever.

I hope this list helps you with getting a better understanding of what I am going to be undertaking tomorrow night. If you’re a Man and in the city, please come.

Oh, and sorry ladies, no pictures will be taken.

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calling all troops

Chuck Palahniuk and I are pissed off.

He is pissed because of this new movie called “Never Back Down” that’s supposed to be about a fight club.

But it’s not really.

It’s really a chick flick disguised as a movie about a fight club.

Synopsis:  Teen heartthrob rebel moves to a new school, gets beat up by a bully, falls for the popular girl, then finds himself at the end.  How original.

That’s why Palahniuk is pissed.

I’m pissed because this has gone too far.  When fight clubs become chick flicks, the destruction of man as we know it has come full circle.

Can’t us men have something? Punching someone in the face is supposed to be manly!  I don’t want to see some pretty blue-eyed teen smiling at me when I’m thinking about violence.  I want to see faces getting smashed and cars flying off of things that don’t make sense.  Nothing else.

Pure and simple Man Things.

It’s clearly not okay to be a man anymore.  I’ve seen the magazines.  I read Men’s Health.  It’s exactly the same as Cosmo.  “Great Sex” and “How to Get The Right Girl in 8 Steps” are both articles that have appeared in Men’s Health.  I wonder where the “Kill Your Manliness in 3 Steps” article is.  Next month I’m sure.

What has become of us men?

I mean, I bought lavender shampoo on Sunday.  Lavender.

What the hell is wrong with me???  There is not one situation in life in which a man should own lavender shampoo.

None.

So I gave it to Ari.

It’s time to take back our manliness men.  It’s time to re-watch episodes of the A-Team.  It’s time to stop shaving for a month.  It’s time to fart, look around at the disgusted faces, and proudly declare, “Yeah, you wish that was you.”

It’s time to be men once again.

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