Tag Archives: men

men, men, men!

Tomorrow night, before the blogger meet-up and the fight, a few of my Man Friends and I are going to pregame at my apartment before we go to the bar.

Yes, that is something alcoholics do.

Because this is an event of epic proportions, I have titled the gathering Man Fest ’09. I realize that, sadly, there are a few of you out there who don’t know anything about Man Fests, so I have posted some FAQ’s below for not only your enjoyment, but your education.

1) Why is it called Man Fest?

It’s called Man Fest because there will be an apartment full of Men and one male dog doing Man Things like drinking so much that they almost die and seeing who can punch the apartment ceiling.

2) When was the first Man Fest?

The first Man Fest was a long, long time ago, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth. One day, ChokChok wandered into Moot’s cave by accident, and because Moot was having a good time punching the wall, ChokChok decided to stay and punch the wall as well. Shortly after this, Ung heard all the punching and laughing, so he decided to come into Moot’s cave and hang out too. All three men punched the wall, then punched each other, and laughed and had a Generally Fun Time. That was the first Man Fest.

3) Can I come to Man Fest?

Are you now, or are you in the early stages of becoming, a Man? Then yes. Otherwise, no. It’s for your own good.

4) What does one wear to a Man Fest?

Casual attire is encouraged. Also, anything flammable is always a hit.

5) Has anyone famous ever attended a Man Fest?

Yes. In 1992, fresh off of the classic film White Men Can’t Jump, Wesley Snipes attended Man Fest ’92 in Los Lunas, New Mexico. A funny story from that event was that even though it was held at night, Snipes wore his sunglasses the entire time and insisted that everyone in attendance high-five him after every joke he made. It was obviously one of the best Man Fests ever.

I hope this list helps you with getting a better understanding of what I am going to be undertaking tomorrow night. If you’re a Man and in the city, please come.

Oh, and sorry ladies, no pictures will be taken.


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the thought is mightier than the punch

Last night Ari and I were arguing about who had nicer feet when she threatened me with violence.

She waved her fist in my face and said, “You better watch it buddy.”  Needless to say, I was very intimidated. When people call you “buddy,” you know you are in for Trouble.

As she shook her fist at me, I noticed something odd about it, so I asked her, “Uh, what are you doing with your fist?”

She had no idea what I was talking about.

So I said, “Why is your one finger poking out?  You don’t have to do that, you know.”

This is when she said, “Oh that?  That’s my Dagger Fist.”

Behold, my friends, The Dagger Fist.

I hope that didn’t scare you too much.  Please, it’s okay.  Come back to the computer.  I promise you – you are in no danger of getting hit with The Dagger Fist.

Ari’s attempt at a fist just reminded me of how terribly incompetent women are at physical violence.  Of course there are exceptions – like when Britney Spears attacked that car with an umbrella.

But more often than not, when women try and Bring The Ruckus, they fail.

That’s because physical violence is not a woman’s best weapon.  Mental violence like nagging is.

A woman’s ability to nag is uncanny.  It is something they are born with and then cultivate into a full-blown Weapon Of Destruction as they age.

If a woman wants something out of a man, she will get it.  And if she doesn’t, she will attack until she does.

She will bring up the same subject until it has beaten a man’s will to live into the ground, and then, even after the man gives up and does what she wants, the woman will deal one more Mental Blow by stating, “Well, you should have just done it the first time I said something.”

Like telling a man fourteen times in two days to call the cable company wasn’t torture enough for him.

Men are made for Physical Violence, women are made for Mental Violence.

This has been evident ever since the Stone Age (sorry for the technical term) when Man made fire by thrashing sticks and stones together.

He went and grabbed his Woman to tell her about his Accomplishment, and all she could say was, “That’s very nice Steve, but you still haven’t swept the cave like I asked you to.”


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heaven on earth

Eventually, when I’m forced to flee New York because I’ve become such a famous blogger that the paparazzi starts taking pictures of me in my underwear and That’s Not Acceptable, I am going to buy a house.

This house will be great and awesome and probably make my neighbors jealous, but I also realize that this house will be Ari’s Domain.

That is how life works.

She will want frilly things like nice coasters and matching towels and probably a welcome mat that has something witty written on it like “Please Wipe Paws Here.”

And that’s fine with me.

Because as I’ve already told her in many Serious Discussions – she can do whatever she wants with the entire house as long as I get the basement.

The basement will be The Man Room.

It will have Man Things in it only.

There will be a giant TV for sports and video games.

There will be art hung from the walls – like this.

Because Bo Knows Man Rooms. That doesn’t sound good, but you get the idea.

And there will be this.

Because that was the coolest part of the movie, you know, when they try and Find Themselves before going and kicking ass.

And there will definitely be this.

Because – well, Robocop is the fucking man. Or robot. Or cyborg. Whatever he wants to be – he’s the fucking man.

I imagine there where will also be this.

Because Johnny didn’t stand a fucking chance.

Aside from this wealth of Amazing Posters, my Man Room will have a Kegerator, and a pool and air hockey table.

Women will only be allowed down if they give The Secret Knock, which will never be given out to my friends girlfriends, wives and mistresses, because they can only cause Trouble.

Yes the Man Room will be a place where me and my friends can escape and talk about the Important Issues Facing Men.

Like how many beers you can drink before you pass out and why No Holds Barred never gets the kind of love it deserves.

It is going to be awesome.


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man weekend

Ari is going out of town for the weekend, which means that I get to act like the animal I was truly meant to be.

These are moments that make men feel truly alive!

The dishes will not get done right after every meal – they will sit and collect mold until ten minutes before Ari gets home!


Hah! Men were not meant to wear clothing! I will roam the apartment in nothing but my boxers from sun up to sun down.

The TV shall be tuned to these channels: ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNNEWS and CBS (for March Madness) and there will be no changing it from them! Except for porn.

I will not wipe the crumbs off of the table after consuming whatever wild beast happens to perish at my hands! This may or may not be pasta, but that pasta will not know what hit it when I come looking for it!

The toilet seat will remain up, because men do not need the toilet seat down! Unless we are reading, which happens to be a lot.

I will laugh heartily at my shower this weekend! It will not be seeing the likes of me anytime soon. Save your cleansers for another poor sap!

Beer will be drank and the cans (not bottles you fools!) will be tossed at will!

When I am out, I will not fear the “That’s enough Chris” statement! I will make fun of people until I pass out!

The music that will be played will be gully as gully can be!

Yes, this weekend Jack and I – the Men Of The Apartment – will rule the land with an iron fist. He will bark at Inappropriate Times, I will cheer him and we will be the men we were meant to be!

Until Sunday night.


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calling all troops

Chuck Palahniuk and I are pissed off.

He is pissed because of this new movie called “Never Back Down” that’s supposed to be about a fight club.

But it’s not really.

It’s really a chick flick disguised as a movie about a fight club.

Synopsis:  Teen heartthrob rebel moves to a new school, gets beat up by a bully, falls for the popular girl, then finds himself at the end.  How original.

That’s why Palahniuk is pissed.

I’m pissed because this has gone too far.  When fight clubs become chick flicks, the destruction of man as we know it has come full circle.

Can’t us men have something? Punching someone in the face is supposed to be manly!  I don’t want to see some pretty blue-eyed teen smiling at me when I’m thinking about violence.  I want to see faces getting smashed and cars flying off of things that don’t make sense.  Nothing else.

Pure and simple Man Things.

It’s clearly not okay to be a man anymore.  I’ve seen the magazines.  I read Men’s Health.  It’s exactly the same as Cosmo.  “Great Sex” and “How to Get The Right Girl in 8 Steps” are both articles that have appeared in Men’s Health.  I wonder where the “Kill Your Manliness in 3 Steps” article is.  Next month I’m sure.

What has become of us men?

I mean, I bought lavender shampoo on Sunday.  Lavender.

What the hell is wrong with me???  There is not one situation in life in which a man should own lavender shampoo.


So I gave it to Ari.

It’s time to take back our manliness men.  It’s time to re-watch episodes of the A-Team.  It’s time to stop shaving for a month.  It’s time to fart, look around at the disgusted faces, and proudly declare, “Yeah, you wish that was you.”

It’s time to be men once again.


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Memo to the 30-something man sitting across from me on the f:

Unless you are 8 to 13 years old, you cannot wear a Spider-Man hat anymore.

It is not okay.

I don’t care if you got it for free, take it off right now and come to the realization that you are not the intended consumer for this product.

I know, I know, I like Spider-Man too. But c’mon, are we not men? Have we no dignity? How are we, as men, supposed to evolve when you do things like this? I know you see that hot woman sitting across from us.

She’s not looking at you.

What do you want? Do you want my hat? I’ll give it to you! If it means you won’t wear a super hero on your head anymore – I’ll gladly give you my adult hat.

Let’s do it. Let’s move on and let go.

We are men my friend, men with normal hats.


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