This Friday, the biographical movie based around Christopher Wallace, a.k.a. Notorious BIG, will be released in theaters across the country.
In case you are a Sad Person, and don’t know who that is, he’s a guy who came from the projects of Bed-Stuy Brooklyn and eventually became (arguably) one of the best lyricists ever, only to have his life cut tragically short when he was gunned down by an unknown assailant.
I just want to mention that I have never typed or said “assailant” before, and I promise never to do it again.
The title of the movie is “Notorious,” and it will probably be fairly cool if you enjoy things like hip-hop, women and people who are more talented than you’ll ever be.
With this movie about to be released, it got me to thinking what a biographical film about me would look like, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don’t think anyone would want to see it. Not even my Mom. And I bet my two brothers would walk out during the middle, even though they’d both be drunk.
But let me present a general outline to you, and tell me what you think.
“The Story of Chris, an Okay Sort of Guy.”
The Struggle: Here is a young Chris, age nine. He is battling with teachers who somehow don’t understand that him crawling under desks during class is just Artistic Expression, not him simply being an ass.
The Rise to Fame: Here is a young adult Chris, age 22. He has just found his friends keys after the friend couldn’t locate them for thirteen minutes.
The Tragic Fall: Here is adult Chris, age 30. He has just written a blog post about a movie about his life that makes him realize that maybe he needs to stop writing blog posts and actually do something worthwhile with his life like help baby monkeys. Sadly, he does not do that, and instead eats some trail mix.
Best Picture? Probably not.
Best Movie About Something Lame? Let’s just say I have my acceptance speech ready to go.