Tag Archives: Obama reads my blog

everything to worry about

Somewhere, George Bush is kicking himself over this whole Swine Flu episode.

He’s beside himself with anger over not getting the chance to rev up fear among the public by over-hyping something not that serious.  He definitely would have invented some sort of warning code system for this.

Level 1: Little piggy. Please stay calm, but not too calm. You might live.

Level 2: Porky Pig. Do not touch anything ever or breathe more than ten times in one hour. You are probably going to die.

Level 3: Bacon Bits. EVERYONE RUN! RUN SOMEWHERE SAFE FROM AIR! AND WATER! AND DIRT! You will die by the time you finish reading this warning.

I guarantee you that Bush has had to stop himself from calling Obama and telling him to flip out about Swine Flu before it goes away.

Back in the day, aside from launching completely unnecessary wars, destroying the economy and speaking unintelligibly, freaking out over health concerns was one of Bush’s favorite past times.

SARS was a great time for Bush, and Bird Flu?  Talk about fun!

Alas, those days of getting everyone too scared to think about the real issues are behind us, but something tells me Bush is still up to his old tricks.

When there’s no more milk in his fridge, my money is on Bush taping off the kitchen, calling Laura (who is upstairs) and telling her they might not make it past lunch, and giving a speech to his cat about the impending doom.

That sounds about right.

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a letter

Dear Oprah,

I just saw the cover of the April issue of your magazine, and I think I’ve had enough.  I know that you do a lot of good for people and all that, but this is a little ridiculous.

Michelle and Oprah, in a world where belts are a must, even if they are plastic and clear.

Michelle and Oprah, in a world where belts are a must, even if they are plastic and clear.

I’m not even talking about how you and Michelle Obama are obviously photo-shopped.  Or the fact that you let the first lady get photographed wearing a belt I’m sure they sell at Wal-Mart.  Because that doesn’t even really bother me.

What I have a problem with is that you couldn’t let Michelle Obama have the cover of your magazine to herself.

Is it not enough that you have been on the cover of every single other issue?  I guess not.  When you found out she was giving  you an interview, you just couldn’t let the first black First Lady ever chill by herself.  Nope!  You had to be on the cover too!

I don’t understand.  What is the point?  It’s not like people don’t know who you are already.  When I’m at Dunkin’ Donuts ordering a healthy chocolate donut for myself, and I see you walk in, it’s not like I’m turning to my friend and exclaiming, “Who’s that black lady???”  No, I’m saying, “Damn! Oprah likes donut holes too!”

What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t make sense.  I don’t get how you didn’t think, at least just for a second, “Maybe I could step aside this time.” You do know the damn magazine is named after you, right?

Anyway, I think I’m done with you.  This is just too weird.

In closing, now that I’ve voiced my disapproval, please don’t use your special Oprah Magic to turn me into a one-legged monkey.

Best,

Chris

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r.i.p.

If you feel, for some strange reason, that today is a good day – you’re mistaken.

I realize that it’s Tuesday and you’re wearing your favorite socks. And some guy is being sworn in and it’s great and there’s a strong possibility that he won’t be a complete fucking idiot, but listen to me – today is not a good day.

It’s not a good day because when Obama takes over, there will be no more Bush jokes.

No longer can you attend a party and, upon realizing you don’t have any of your typical crowd-pleasing weather-related jokes ready, drop a Bushism and get laughs from everyone.

No more explaining that someone “misunderestimated” you.

No more telling your friends who work in finance that “It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”

No more soothing your vegan buddy by saying, “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”

No more.

Sadly, today marks the beginning of a man who appears capable of not saying the stupidest thing possible at the stupidest time possible.

Obama, unfortunately, is a smart man.

He thinks before he speaks and his speeches rival the one in Braveheart (though the Braveheart speech still has the edge because it makes me want to fight for the honor of something.  And maybe start wearing a kilt).

Today is not a good day. Today is out with the dumb, and in with the intelligent.

Goodbye George Bush, you were, well, you were good to us.

The Internets will miss you.

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change is coming

Now that Obama has been elected president and Bush is hiding all the toilet paper in the White House in one last ditch effort to screw someone over, we can all get back to What Really Matters – like dudes who have long hair.

If you know a man who is over the age of twenty and has long hair, please do me and America a favor, and tell him to “fucking stop it.”

I don’t understand how grown men can walk around with long hair.  It never looks good.  Okay, aside from dudes with dreads because they probably smoke weed and as we all know, weed is really cool.

The worst part about men with long hair is that they all are in love with it.

They walk around swishing it side to side, and oh!  Isn’t it just so breezy out here today!  I think I should casually toss my flowing locks away from my face in an effort to see things better!

For all the maintenance and caressing these dudes do to their hair, it’s like they think they’re living in a shampoo commercial.  You see them getting ready for work by brushing their wavy hair as their hot girlfriend slides up and says, “Hope you have a good day.”  To which the Man Hair dude replies, “Hope? There’s no need for hope with hair like this.”  Then he whips his head around to show us all just how lovely life really is with hair like that.

It makes me sick.

The only man alive who can have long hair is Steven Seagal.  This is because Steven Seagal is better than all of us.

The sad thing is getting dudes to stop with the flowing hairdos is not going to be easy.

We can plead with them – we can tell them that they look like fucking idiots and ask them why they don’t just grow boobs too – but it will be a tough challenge.  It will require dedication and passion from all of us.

Can we ever envision a time, in this great country, when there will no longer be men who think long hair is okay?

All together now – yes we can.

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