Tag Archives: ranting

joy

Last night on my way home from work my headphones for my iPhone broke, which means I have been commuting without my music and that means I’m slowly losing my mind.

Trying to navigate your daily life in New York without your music is like going to see a Wayans brothers movie – if you care about your mental health at all, you just don’t do it.

Because I don’t have my music, I get to listen to The Sounds Of The City while on the train, and believe me the sounds are not pretty.

Anyone who doesn’t live in the city, imagine for just one minute that when you climbed into your car to go to and from work, it was jam packed with complete strangers, some of whom have less respect for deodorant than you do.  

That is what life in New York is like.  

Every second of my life I am surrounded by strangers, no matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing – there is always someone else right next to me.

That’s why I’m not friendly.  That’s why I don’t say “Hello Sam!” to Sam’s dumbass every time I see him. If I tried to be friendly to every single person I came in contact with I would end up killing myself.

And that’s why having music is so vital to making it through my day.

Just last night I had to listen to one guy tell his friend or coworker or whoever-the-fuck that he lived close to the 14th street stop on the L.  And oh my was his friend jealous!  In fact, would you like to know what he said???  I bet you do!  He told his friend, “That’s sweet man.  So it only takes you about ten minutes to get to the office?  That’s so much faster than me.”  Isn’t that just great???

So now because I don’t have my fucking headphones that cost more than I can admit without you looking at me with Judging Eyes, I know that this dude who lives near 14th street also lives close to his office.

Fucking fantastic!

Of course I don’t have time to get new headphones today, so I can’t wait to hear everyone else’s conversations on my way home tonight.  Maybe one of them will be about a crazy dream someone had last night!  Or better yet, someone can talk about how their kid did in school today.  Yes. That would be just great.

People make me so fucking happy!

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saving the youth

You know who pisses me off? Those kids on the trains who sell candy bars. If you live here you know what I’m talking about.

The door clangs open, and even above the music in your headphones you hear, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, my name is [some stupid teen name] and I’m here selling candy bars. Not for no school or basketball team, but for me, to keep myself off the streets and to make some money.”

And then, much to the fat people on the trains dismay, “Unfortunately, all I have today is M&M’s and Starburst.” Like we all just figured he’d be fully stocked with everything from Snickers to Almond Joys.

Fuck these kids.

Go get a fucking job. Go take your ass to Wendy’s and fill out an application. And try the Frosty while you’re there – they’re fucking amazing.

Don’t tell me about keeping yourself off the streets. You obviously aren’t hard up for cash, seeing how you’re rocking some new kicks and a nice, leather jacket.

Oh, and thanks for “keeping it real” with me by telling me that it’s not for a school or a basketball team.

Because you were so honest with me, I’ll give you my dollar, add some fat to my stomach and keep you fuckers in business.

I mean, can I do this?

On my way home from work today I’m gonna step on the train, pull out a bag of bic pens and announce, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, my name is Chris, and I’m here selling bic pens. Not for no corporation or Office Max, but for me, to keep myself out of my office and to make some money. Unfortunately all I have today is blue ink.”

No. I can’t fucking do that.

So do me a favor candy bar selling teens, next time you feel the urge to make some cash, try applying for a job instead of setting a terrible example for kids even younger than you.

You can thank me later.

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