Tag Archives: religeon is weird

spread the word

Because two of my good friends got married over the weekend, I had to go inside a church for the first time in a very long time.

Churches have always been weird to me, going back to when I attended Catholic School from first to eighth grade.  I remember we used to have to go to confession once a week at the church on school grounds, and  my friends and I used to get together beforehand and make up sins to tell the priest.  My favorite was, “I yelled ‘shit’ when I fell down.”

That one always scored me Cool Points with the boys, but somehow failed to impress the girls.

Friday night I entered the church for the rehearsal, and instantly started making fun of it.  I did that because I’m mature.

As we lined up, walked, then lined up, then walked again, I just kept thinking of more and more things that made me uncomfortable about churches.

Like pews.

They’re really uncomfortable and every time you sit down, you end up slowly sliding down into an eventual heaping blob because the back is made of slick wood.  Then the other people cast their Judging Eyes at you because they know that Jesus never slouched when he sat and you are going to hell because your pants are making that weird boner shape that they make sometimes when they get bunched up.

What they should do is have a bunch of couches.  Then everyone can be comfortable and maybe not hate every second of being there.

And what about the pictures of Jesus plastered all over churches?

Look, I know why I’m there.

I don’t need to see Jesus’ smug face everywhere I turn.  Every time I saw another picture of Jesus in the church on Friday I kept thinking he was giving me The Stink Eye, knowing all about how I mostly tried looking up the Catholic school skirts of all the girls instead of studying the bible during class.

When rehearsal was almost finished I was ready to leave, having come up with many reasons why I hate being in churches.

But then one of the groomsman noticed a big cardboard sign that changed everything.

And to think, all this time I thought churches weren’t fun.

Let’s consider that picture a public service announcement.

 

(I have joined in the great Testament project over at Half Deserted Streets, so if you want to read a post of mine about dating, please take a minute and check it out.)

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one hebrew two hebrew red hebrew blue hebrew

I don’t understand people who take the Bible literally.

There is no way all that stuff happened exactly as it is portrayed in there – no way.

Like Moses leading the Hebrews out of slavery.

The Bible says that Moses, being the smart man that he was, listened to God when he told him, “Dude, go get my boys out of slavery and I’ll help you out.”

I don’t fault Moses for this, if God told you to do something back then, you did it.  Not like now when it’s much easier to ignore him when he hasn’t unleashed his wrath in about a million years.  Although the Beanie Baby craze was definitely God telling us that we sucked.

So Moses goes and takes the Hebrews out of Egypt and the Bible then says that they wandered the desert for 40 years.

40 fucking years.

Wandering in a desert.

You’re telling me that not one person approached Moses after day six and wondered what the hell was going on?

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: [Slowly approaches Moses, who is standing by himself after dinner because of course no one likes him] “Hey man, uh, what’s the plan here?  I mean, I appreciate that you got me out of slavery and all that, but I’m kinda getting bored.”

Moses: [Sighing] “Look, I keep telling you guys, it’s all good!  Trust me!  God and me go way back – he’d never punk me like this.”

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: “I don’t know man, are you sure?  Cause, you know, it’s kinda hot out here.”

Moses: “I’m telling you, everything is gonna be fine.”

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: [Looking back toward Bob] “Well, I’m sorry bro, but Bob and I, we’re heading back.  He heard about a sweet buy one get one free deal on sandals at the market.  But good luck with all this – it really sounds very nice and fine.”

There is no way that Moses convinced all those people to just wander around the damn desert for 40 years.

The desert is hot and sometimes it has scorpions.  At least that’s what I hear.

And don’t even let me get started on Noah.  Two of every animal?

Yeah right!

You know Noah grabbed his dog, his cat, maybe his kids hamster because hamsters can be pretty cute and got his ass on that ark.

The Bible is nothing but a big book of funny stories.

It’s kind of like Dr. Seuss books – it has lots of rhyming, features things that don’t exist and there’s always a moral to every story.  The only difference is there’s no Grinch.

Although I guess the Grinch could be the devil, so nevermind.

The Bible is exactly like Dr. Seuss books.

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