Tag Archives: the Egyptians are overrated

one hebrew two hebrew red hebrew blue hebrew

I don’t understand people who take the Bible literally.

There is no way all that stuff happened exactly as it is portrayed in there – no way.

Like Moses leading the Hebrews out of slavery.

The Bible says that Moses, being the smart man that he was, listened to God when he told him, “Dude, go get my boys out of slavery and I’ll help you out.”

I don’t fault Moses for this, if God told you to do something back then, you did it.  Not like now when it’s much easier to ignore him when he hasn’t unleashed his wrath in about a million years.  Although the Beanie Baby craze was definitely God telling us that we sucked.

So Moses goes and takes the Hebrews out of Egypt and the Bible then says that they wandered the desert for 40 years.

40 fucking years.

Wandering in a desert.

You’re telling me that not one person approached Moses after day six and wondered what the hell was going on?

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: [Slowly approaches Moses, who is standing by himself after dinner because of course no one likes him] “Hey man, uh, what’s the plan here?  I mean, I appreciate that you got me out of slavery and all that, but I’m kinda getting bored.”

Moses: [Sighing] “Look, I keep telling you guys, it’s all good!  Trust me!  God and me go way back – he’d never punk me like this.”

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: “I don’t know man, are you sure?  Cause, you know, it’s kinda hot out here.”

Moses: “I’m telling you, everything is gonna be fine.”

Hebrew With A Nice Beard: [Looking back toward Bob] “Well, I’m sorry bro, but Bob and I, we’re heading back.  He heard about a sweet buy one get one free deal on sandals at the market.  But good luck with all this – it really sounds very nice and fine.”

There is no way that Moses convinced all those people to just wander around the damn desert for 40 years.

The desert is hot and sometimes it has scorpions.  At least that’s what I hear.

And don’t even let me get started on Noah.  Two of every animal?

Yeah right!

You know Noah grabbed his dog, his cat, maybe his kids hamster because hamsters can be pretty cute and got his ass on that ark.

The Bible is nothing but a big book of funny stories.

It’s kind of like Dr. Seuss books – it has lots of rhyming, features things that don’t exist and there’s always a moral to every story.  The only difference is there’s no Grinch.

Although I guess the Grinch could be the devil, so nevermind.

The Bible is exactly like Dr. Seuss books.

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thanks for nothing

The guy/girl in ancient Egypt that invented the umbrella should’ve been killed, and the invention should’ve been trashed too.

That way, when I’m walking to work and it’s raining, I would have a better device to use to block the rain than a fucking umbrella.

I fucking hate umbrellas.

They don’t do anything.  No, wait, yes they keep my head dry – that’s it.  Thanks for keeping the top of my head dry umbrella!  What would I ever do without you???

Let me ask you – have you ever used an umbrella – and stayed dry?

No.

Because they suck.  They don’t do what they’re supposed to do – which is keep you dry.  Now, with a fantastic umbrella over my head, every time I get to work I look like I just took my clothes out of the washer.  Pleats in the pants legs?  Goodbye!  Nice, dry dress shirt?  See ya!

All thanks to the umbrella and that fucker who invented it.  If that person never would have invented it, someone by now would’ve come up with something way better that actually keeps you dry.

Fuck Egypt.

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