Tag Archives: the Jews are going to love me

picking the best part

The other day I attended a Jewish wedding for the first time, and let me tell you, those Jews know how to have a good time. I was raised as a Catholic, and all the weddings I ever went to growing up were boring as hell.

Though I guess hell isn’t very boring at all, you know, with all the fire and Never-ending Sadness happening, but that’s beside the point.

What I realized at the Jewish wedding was that because Ari is about .07% Jewish, when I get married in September – I’m going to be a Jew!

This is obviously pretty exciting to me.

Not because when people see a picture of me and my big nose and ask me if I’m Jewish I can finally say “yes” instead of “no, I just have a fucking big nose, asshole.” No, it’s because I fully intend on doing that thing that Jews do at weddings when they lift the bride and groom up in chairs and dance around with them.

When I saw that happening, I looked at Ari and said, “Oh, we are totally doing that at our wedding.” And because I’ll be a Jew as soon as I end my life as I know it, I mean, accept the vows of marriage, it will totally be an acceptable thing to do.

I can see it now: ¬†Everyone will be dancing and lifting Ari and I up in chairs and I’ll yell “Shalom! Yom Kippur!” and Ari will glare at me and everything will be great.

Unfortunately I have to wait until the wedding to have this experience, so until then I suppose I’ll just keep dreaming of that day and of that dance, and toil away at work to pass the time.

Oy vey!

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