I had to buy deodorant yesterday.
Deodorant is in the Personal Items category, and the Rules Of Life say you must buy something else when purchasing a product from said category.
If you walk up to a cashier and slam down just a stick of deodorant, you might as well just go ahead and grab them by the shoulders, pull them over to your armpit and say, “Smell me, go ahead, do it! I stink. Please, this is all I need to be normal again – please help me!”
It would not be pretty scene and the cops may also be called.
So when I went into the Duane Reade I knew I had to buy some other item to make it look like I was not on the verge of making people vomit with my body odor.
I perused the aisles searching for The Perfect Thing that would not make the cashier judge me.
No one is playing cards with a dude who stinks. The cashier would never believe that I have friends.
I did not want the cashier thinking that not only did my armpits smell, my hair was also Not Quite Right.
I finally decided on a Kashi energy bar after much debate and brought it up to a cashier that was giving me a face like she loved her job. Or maybe she was just hating her life and wanted me to know it.
It was when I sat my items down on the counter that I noticed that the label on the Kashi bar proudly proclaimed, “Now With 3X The Fiber!” in big bold type.
I was now a smelly man and approximately 85 years-old and/or had a severe problem with my plumbing.
I couldn’t say anything in my defense. I just paid and left as quickly as I could.
I think I’ll stay away from that Duane Reade for at least a week or two, just because I don’t want to have to face that cashier again.
I’d go up to pay, she’d look at me then ask, “So how are we feeling today?”
And I’d have to lie and say, “I feel fine. I feel perfectly normal.”
(I’m not gonna be around tomorrow, because I’ll be eating semi-charred foods and drinking too much alcohol, so if you’re looking for something to read, please take the time to check out the posts that I linked to on the Okay Playa! page.)