Tag Archives: the Steelers are more important than my life

talking points

I’m as hungover as Nick Nolte after a trip to Vegas, so I don’t have much for you today.  But I do have some points of discussion that I think need to be addressed.

First Discussion:

The best ad from the Super Bowl was clearly this Careerbuilder.com spot that pretty much sums up how I feel every day.  Yes, even the koala punching.

Second Discussion:

Michael Phelps was caught smoking some pot, but he is still someone who every American can be proud of.  As you can see from the picture, Phelps is taking a bong hit, which clearly indicates he knows which form of smoking pot is the least harsh.  I don’t know about you, but if my Olympic athletes are going to be smoking, it makes me happy knowing that they have the knowledge not to smoke blunts or something ridiculous – instead sticking to the smooth, bubbly refreshment of a bong.

Nice and smooth - just like his backstroke.

Nice and smooth - just like his backstroke.

Third Discussion:

I’m a Normal Man, so of course I like Michael J. Fox.  But what I don’t like is people saying that Back To The Future is better than Teen WolfBack To The Future is by far the sexy pick, but look closer at Teen Wolf and you’ll see:  Fox is at his best as a teen just trying to fit in who happens to also be a wolf and a pretty decent basketball player.  Plus – Teen Wolf has Styles, arguably the best character ever.

Baller.

Baller.

Fourth Discussion:

The Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl last night,  making them the only NFL team with six and me a very happy man.  Now, does this mean that they are the best team ever in the NFL or – ha!  I’m fucking with you.  There’s no room for discussion here – the Steelers are the best NFL franchise ever.  No discussion necessary.

Better than your team.

Better than your team.

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lucky me

In case you’re Sad Inside All The Time, and didn’t realize – this Sunday is the Super Bowl.

Because I grew up in Pittsburgh, I am completely obsessed with all things Steelers, so that means at the end of the game I’ll either be dead if they lose, or crying tears of joy if they win.

I’m not too worried about having to throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge though, because I’m confident in my team, and I’m confident in my dirty underwear.

You see, as a fan, I’m morally obligated to do certain things that can/will help my team win, and my list includes, but is not limited to:

  1. Text “Game Day.” to my friends who are Steelers fans as soon as I wake up, even if it’s at 8 AM.  This may or may not upset them.
  2. Buy two tall boy cans of Coors Light.  I must start drinking right at kick off, not a moment before.
  3. Drink these beers from my special Steelers glass that is kept on the right side of my freezer until I take it out.  I hear Bill Gates does this and look where it got him.
  4. Put on the same clothes that I wore during their first playoff win weeks ago. Yes, that means the same boxer briefs, the same sweatpants, the same t-shirt and the same jersey.  All unwashed of course.  Everyone knows washing them negates all the stored up luck.
  5. Tuck in the Troy Polamalu jersey on my left side.  This helps with beer consumption and high fives, as there is no extra clothing in my way.
  6. Place my designated Game Day Terrible Towel on my right leg.  No not my left, don’t be ridiculous.
  7. Rub my dog’s head before a play that I’m nervous about.  He can bite me if he wants; he is not bound by this list.
  8. Yell and punch my couch when something bad happens to the Steelers.  I assume this is Ari and my neighbor’s favorite one.

As you can see this list is quite logical and everything on here, when done correctly, helps the Steelers win.

Of course if the Steelers lose on Sunday, you’ll never hear from me again, because I will kill myself.

But let’s hope that doesn’t happen.  Okay?

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