Tag Archives: things that suck

chic

I like to consider myself a stylish dude when it comes to clothes, but every time I start to get a big ego about the way I dress, Ari always likes to remind me of these:

 

Those are the S. Carter Tennis Lows.  I once owned a pair of these shoes.

And wore them.

In public.

I’m not even joking with you.  I actually went to a store and purchased those shoes for $110.

I remember going into a Foot Locker, picking them out, and thinking, “Oh, these are those new Jay-Z shoes – I should get these!”

Then I showed them to this girl I was with at the time, and she said, “Oh. Those? Yes, those are nice.”  In retrospect I should have been a little more perceptive and realized that what she was really saying was, “Oh, those might be the ugliest shoes I’ve ever seen.  They’ll make people laugh at you.  A lot.”

But you have to understand something about me:  I did not always care about fashion or style, so the S. Carters were a huge step for me.

I looked like this only a couple years before then, for god’s sake:

I was this pseudo hippie with gross dreads who wore patchwork pants and tie-dye Grateful Dead t-shirts all the time.

My idea of Looking Nice was wearing an old button up shirt I bought from Goodwill that may or may not have been worn by a 70’s porn star.  And it was poop brown.

So really, when you think about it, the S. Carters were not that bad compared to what I was wearing just a few years prior to buying them.

In fact, maybe during lunch today I’ll go out and buy a pair and impress Ari with my fashion sense all over again.

Only this time I think I’ll get them in blue.

They’ll go with more of my outfits.

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making it

The deal: I’m gonna be live blogging my day at jury duty. Fun!

8:35 – Problems. First – the room I’m in doesn’t have any outlets, and Ari’s laptop dies without being plugged in the entire time you’re using it. Second – “Juror Orientation Video” is showing on the one TV in here. I’m willing to bet this will not be an entertaining video. Also, seeing as how I’m in a huge fucking room, there was absolutely no reason for this woman to sit right behind me. I’m going to call her FAT, even though she’s not, in hopes that she’s reading over my shoulder.

9:00 – Ed Bradley is hosting the video. Isn’t he dead? I think he’s dead. Also, I feel like I’m in 7th grade, watching one of those videos in biology class that no one pays attention to. I wonder if anyone will pass notes with me? I heard that Jimmy likes Kathy. Really!

9:32 – The video is over. Thank god. No one has come in here and said a word to us yet. It’s been almost an hour. Now that the video has ended, everyone is getting restless. I think the guy in front of me is even eyeing the Fritos in the vending machine. I swear I will slit his throat to get them before he does come lunch time.

10:00 – A Person Of Authority has just given us a bunch of instructions on what’s going to happen. She then gave anyone who thought they could get out of jury duty, the chance to plead their case. As you can imagine, there was a stampede of people. Including those that were lining up to say they didn’t understand English, even though the instructions were given – in English.

10:28 – And now we wait. We just got told that we can go to the bathroom if we sign out, but otherwise we have to sit and wait to be called in to get interviewed by the lawyers on the case. After the interview, the lawyers decide if they want us on their jury. I think when I walk into the interview room, I’ll point at the first person I see and yell, “Is that him?? Oh damn! He’s guilty as a motherfucker! Look at him! He’s guilty! He knows it too! I see you playa! You’re not gettin’ away with it this time!” We’ll see what the lawyers think about me then.

11:03 – Okay. It’s only eleven and I think I might kill myself. I also have an increasingly bad situation on my hands: Ari’s laptop is dying. So while I have wireless, the laptop may die before the day is over. My iPhone is no help because while it makes me look much Cooler Than Most People, I can’t edit my blog on it. There are no outlets in this entire fucking room! Not one. Well, there is one, but it’s at the front underneath the TV that played that horrible video. I don’t think I want to be on display for everyone in here, so I’m gonna have to try and figure something out. Or maybe I could just sit up front, plug in the laptop, and declare to the room of angry people, “I’m live blogging this, so anyone really ugly or otherwise kinda interesting, please step forward so I can see you and then make fun of you.”

11:09 – That fucker got the only bag of Fritos. Also, someone is eating tuna. Perfect. Please stink up the entire room with your food. Thank you for making me hate humanity.

11:44 – They just picked the first batch of people to get interviewed. I wasn’t picked. I wonder what made them pick certain people? I bet I didn’t get picked because there’s an apostrophe in my last name. People hate my apostrophe. They always leave it out of things with my name on it, and I hate it. The apostrophe is part of my fucking name! Leaving it out is like spelling Smith – “Mith.” It’s not correct! Whenever I tell people how to spell my last name, I always stress the apostrophe part. “O, APOSTROPHE, S…” When they look up at me in astonishment for doing this, I grin and say, “Oh good, you got the apostrophe. I’m Irish.”

12:22 – The room is beginning to resemble a battlefield after a war. There are the brutally injured, but somehow still alive (me), and there are the dead bodies (several people who are snoring). Surveying the scene, you can see the looks of utter desperation in people’s eyes. And I swear the Hasidic guy in front of me is whispering prayers that have to do with bringing the swift hand of death down upon him. Or maybe he just wants a snack.

1:50 – Just got back from lunch. They excused me and some other people early to go, which doesn’t seem like a good sign. Ari said that the people who don’t get picked right away end up just having to come back and wait longer to get picked – so my plan was to try and get chosen early. When the Person Of Authority comes back, I plan on smiling at her really, really big. Hopefully this will convince her to pick me to get interviewed. Though it might just get me a date with a woman in her mid-forties whose idea of dressing up is tucking in her sweater. I think Ari will be cool with that.

2:11 – Ever notice how whenever you’re in one of these types of situations, there’s always some dude who thinks he has the inside scoop on the process? There’s a guy two rows in front of me whispering to a woman about how he “knows what’s going to happen.” No you don’t you fucking asshole. You’re just like the rest of us – completely in the dark until someone clues us in on everything. You’re not special you stupid fucking idiot. If you were, then you wouldn’t even be here right now. I think I might punch this guy in the forehead.

2:39 – All these people who work here keep filtering in and out of the room. They just saunter in, not a care in the world, and then saunter right back out. It must be nice not to hate life right now. And yes, those people were sauntering – something that I’m pretty sure only People Who Suck can do.

3:04 – Oh my god!!! I’m getting let go!  Can you believe it??? I don’t have to serve and I don’t have to come back for another eight years!  Everybody now: “God bless America, home of the brave!  God guide her, and other stuff!  Onward to victory!”  I’m pretty sure that’s how that song goes.  Right?

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