* I saw that guy who told me about his nasty feet today at Trader Joe’s. I stayed away from him. I did look at his feet though. This guy has no idea how much he has impacted my life.
* Packing groceries is a an art form. When I worked at Sam’s Club (yeah, whatever, Walmart is the devil and all that, but I needed money for the mass amounts of pot I consumed – okay?) back in my freshman year of college I used to take an insane amount of pride in how well I’d pack people’s shit. Now, when someone half-asses a bag for me – I just shake my head as I analyze their every move. “Man, no way you go with the eggplant now – the ketchup! The ketchup now you fool!!!”
* Speaking of grocery stores – have you ever used those self-check out things? You want to talk about pressure? There is nothing like when one of these things doesn’t work right. I was trying desperately to get one to work today, and all it kept saying was, “Please place the item in the bag,” like some kind of fucked-up sadistic grocery robot. I started to panic. I could feel people’s eyes boring a hole into the back of my skull. Sweat was pouring down my forehead and my hands were trembling. It was fucking terrible. I’m sure I just lost at least a year off of my life because of that ordeal.
* My dog is chewing on a penis. I’m serious. At the pet store today, my girlfriend and I were looking to get him some rawhide, when out of nowhere, the owner of the place says, “Has he ever had a bull-tuggy?” We both shook our heads no. The owner then hands him this thing that looks a lot like a rawhide bone, and says, “It’s a bull penis, kind of like rawhide, only lasts longer.” I said to the guy, “Uh, I don’t think I feel comfortable with him chewing on a penis,” but Jack had already grabbed hold of it. So now my dog is chewing on a penis. This is not the way I envisioned my Saturday.