I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.
Ever since I became a vegetarian nine years ago, I’ve had to defend my Manhood. When people found out that I didn’t eat meat, their faces would scrunch, they’d laugh a little, and I’d be forced to declare something to balance things out, like “But I love sports, big butts and drinking beer! Sometimes all at once!”
But no more.
Today, a study was released. It reports that people who eat meat are 30% more likely to die prematurely (from cancer or heart disease) than those who don’t.
That’s all I ever needed as a rebuttal, wrapped up in a perfect little package, like maybe a Hot Dog Full Of Death that you meat eaters enjoy.
From now on, my problems with The Diet Conversation are solved.
When a guy jokes with me that I must be some kind of wuss for not eating steak, I’ll just calmly reply, “That’s funny. Hope you have fun dying tomorrow.”
When I attend a barbecue at a friend’s place, and the eyes of the party inevitably focus on me as I lay my veggie burger upon the grill, I will take a gulp of my Coors Light, crinkle the can in my hand (unless it hurts to do that) and proclaim, “Sorry, I’m not eating meat. I have this thing with not dying.”
Today I do not shun my Tofurkey. Today I hold my head up high. Today I say, “I am Man! And I eat Veggie Dogs!”
Well, at least I say that to those of you who are still alive.