Tag Archives: tv

the best i can be

I often find myself comparing things to find out which I prefer. This usually leads to many moments of stimulating conversation and maybe someone telling me I think too much about Things That Don’t Matter.

But I enjoy it, so I do it anyway.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about Saved By The Bell, arguably the best TV show ever created.

When I was younger I used to think if I could be anyone, I would want to be Zack Morris, but lately I’ve come to understand that Zack was actually inferior to A.C. and that I was a fool – a fool! – for thinking that Zack was better.

A.C. was the fucking man.

He was the outsider – the drifter. Women love the drifters – just ask Clint Eastwood – dude gets mad ladies.

He was also the athlete of the group. Actually he was pretty much the only athlete in the entire school. He was a star wrestler, the quarterback on the football team and he was also on the basketball team.

A three sport star! How many sports do you star in? That’s what I thought.

Oh, and did I mention that A.C. was a drummer and a dancer? Yes. Soak that in my friends.

Did you ever notice how he called Zack “Preppie” and Jessie “Momma?” That’s because A.C. played by his own rules!

Zach was nothing compared to A.C.

Sure he got some girls and he ended up with Kelly, the prize of all Bayside, but overall he was pretty lame.

Zach always got busted because of his stupid schemes and his best friend was Screech.


Why the hell would you choose Screech as your best friend???

Also, because Zack was always getting busted, Mr. Belding always kept his eye on him.

Meanwhile, what’s A.C. doing?

Oh just being the gangsta that he is and winning championships for the football team.

A.C. Slater is clearly the choice here.

He is the better man in every way. Something for us all to strive for, someone that we can all look at and think, “One day damnit. One day I’ll be just like him.”

Well, aside from the jheri curl.

I think I’ll pass on that.


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it was fun while it lasted

I can’t fucking take The Real World anymore.

I have been with the show from the beginning too. I laughed when poor Julie asked Heather B. (raise your hand if you had her CD) if she wore a pager because she was a drug dealer and let out a “Oh snap!” when I watched Stephen address his issues with Irene.

This new season in Hollywood has broken me though.

All I do is sit and scream at the TV when it’s on.

The new cast doesn’t have to work – instead they’re all taking acting classes.

Then there’s a dude who looks like this.

And no one has said anything yet.

How the fuck can you look at someone with hair like that and not say something???

The first thing I would’ve said to this guy was, “Hey, what’s up man? I’m Chris, and your hair is making me uncomfortable.”

The new season also has a guy and a girl who say they don’t believe in labeling themselves “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” even though they’re cuddling and holding hands by the second episode.

Listen to me: If you’re cuddling, hooking up, and constantly hanging out with someone – that’s your girlfriend.

Shut the fuck up about labels.

I label you a Fucking Dumbass – how about that?

I guess this means that I’m old now or something, because I refuse to watch the show again.

From now on, if I want to watch a bunch of stupid, annoying people talk about Things That Are Not As Important As They Think They Are – I’ll just step out of my building’s lobby.

That should do the trick.


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right side down

I’m going to go ahead and put this out there, even though I know some of you will no doubt make me sad by disagreeing with me, but Seinfeld was and still is the best TV show ever created.

Hands down.

No contest.

Well, I was watching a rerun last night, and it turned out to be my favorite episode – Bizarro Jerry. For those of you who don’t know every single Seinfeld by heart (losers) it’s the one where Elaine befriends the exact opposite – the Bizarro – of Jerry, George and Kramer. It’s also the episode featuring Man Hands.

Being that I am A Thinker – and maybe because I wasn’t drunk for the first time in three nights – I started wondering, what would Bizarro Chris be like?

He’d certainly be successful.

I’m sure he’d also enjoy Meeting New People and would express a genuine interest in what they had to say.

I bet he wouldn’t think roller coasters were a sure way to prematurely end his life in a giant ball of flame and metal.

He’d probably have a cat, not a dog that eats tennis balls instead of fetching them.

Bizarro Chris would also hold back from saying things like, “You’ve got issues” to a woman whom he has just met, that was complaining about eating too much.

I’m sure he’d even be an optimist, and not make a habit of expressing the darkest consequences of every single action – including mismatched socks.

The more I think about it, Bizarro Chris is probably a much more enjoyable version of me.

But really – who wants another Nice Person in the world?

There’s enough of those out there already.


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this is news

The Today Show.

The motherfucking Today Show.

Everyday in the gym I’m forced to watch it while I run on the treadmill.  Could I get just one damn tv tuned to Sportscenter?  Nope.  Every single one, except for a few tuned to CNN, are showing me Matt Lauer and his Classic American Good Looks.

You know what they were talking about today?

The segment was titled, “The World’s Most Bizarre Foods.”  It included a Random White Man talking about all the different things that people eat from around the globe.

This was news journalism at its finest.

At one point, the anchor held up a scorpion and exclaimed, “Scorpions are seen as a common snack in Asia!”

Get the fuck out of town Mr. Today Show Man.

You mean to tell me that people do things differently than Americans?  Well, that is “Bizarre” isn’t it???  What are those silly Asians thinking – eating a scorpion?  Hahaha!  They sure are funny!

The Today Show is why people are dumb.

The Today Show makes people think that there are not more important things going on in the world than the way cockroaches taste.

Just as I was about punch a hole in the tv screen to get my pain to stop, The Today Show told me that Bonnie Raitt was supporting Hillary Clinton.



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things that matter

I love 80’s crap.

So this morning, when I was getting ready to walk my puppy (and hoping that he doesn’t eat more dirty Kleenexs along the way) I got an old song from a cartoon I used to watch when I was a kid stuck in my head.

Denver the Last Dinosaur.

Even if you’ve never heard of this cartoon – judging solely by the title – you can surmise that it was the work of pure genius.

The only thing I remember about it was the theme song. For some reason, I swear, for as long as I live I’ll remember it – and probably nothing else.

I’ll be 87 with no teeth and skin sagging.

More cynical and grumpy than ever.

Referring to my kids as, “Whatever the fuck your name is.”

And still, somehow the only clear thought in my old, decrepit mind will be “Denver, the last dinosaur, he’s my friend and a whole lot more!”


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and the grammy goes to

My girlfriend and I are drinking a good bottle of wine and checking out the Grammy’s, so I thought I’d take advantage of the moment and share some thoughts about the show and music in general with you. It’s kind of like a ‘live-blog,’ but I’ll probably stop when I get bored – but either way – here we go.

-I’m in love with Alicia Keys. I don’t think she could do anything wrong in my eyes. She could push an old man in front of a bus, and I’d shrug it off, “Well, let’s be honest, he was asking for it – being all old and everything.”

-My girlfriend loves when she sees Carrie Underwood on tv. The line everytime? “Ya know she’s a tri sig.” Yeah, I get it. She’s in the same sorority as you. I get it. She loves saying it though. She raises her eyebrows as she says it though, thinking, “Here’s a little something for my dumb boyfriend.”

-Prince just needs to stop it. Just enough already dude. How old is Prince? He’s gotta be like 74. And he’s still making semi-catchy funky songs while wearing the ugliest outfits around. Enough is enough Prince. You know it’s still somehow not okay to say you don’t like Prince. I don’t like him. Go away Prince. Yeah, I’ll still yell along to “little red corvette” at the bar when I’m 10 beers in, but other than that, I’m over it.

-Rihanna. My girlfriend summed it up perfectly – “Can she sing another song aside from ‘Umbrella?’ She also noted that Beyonce probably hates her. I agree. Beyonce should bitch-slap her backstage.

-When is Tom Hanks next movie coming out? Is he even doing anything anymore? It doesn’t matter. Whatever he does will probably be “moving” and “epic” and “thrilling.” The dude seems to just know what movies people will love. Man, he is raving about the Beatles. That’s another band I don’t like – the Beatles. I can hear people clicking away from my blog right now…

-Cindi Lauper! Man, she doesn’t look so good. Like she was puking in a trash can right before the show and thought, “Aw what the hell, I’ll go on away.” She must have an album coming out or something. You know she was begging to get on the show. Probably pulled the Karma Chameleon card on the producers.

-I’m a Kanye fan. Yeah, he’s an asshole, but he makes some really good music. He’s performing “Stronger” off his latest album, and it sounds pretty good. A lot of the time hip-hop doesn’t sound that great live, but this sounds pretty good. Oh snap! Daft Punk (the guys who the song is sampled from) just showed up rocking some outfits straight from Tron. I love Tron, I just went nuts over that movie when I was kid. Now he’s doing the song, “Hey Mama.” Gotta feel for Kanye having lost his Mom way too early.

-I fucking hate Fergie. She ruined one of the best hip-hop groups out there and now she’s making horrible music for all to hear. Plus, she’s ugly. C’mon, she is. If I saw her on the street, first I’d tell her that she doesn’t have any talent, then I’d punch her in the neck for ruining the Black Eyed Peas. I’m very mature.

It’s been an hour and I think I’m done with watching the Grammy’s. Okay, sorry, one last thought – Ringo looks exactly the same. I mean, exactly. He’s still rocking the same wierd sunglasses, haircut and semi-shaved beard. Let’s move on Ringo, it’s time for something new my friend.

Alright, I’m out. Tomorrow is Monday and Monday means sadness.


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