Tag Archives: twitter helps people

sic ’em

There’s been a lot of rumors flying around today about Apple possibly purchasing Twitter, and as you can plainly see by my elaborate web site here, I am a Technology Expert, so I feel compelled to comment on it.

My thoughts can be summed up thusly (sorry, Techie Speak!): Let’s hope so.

Twitter could be a lot better if, I don’t know, someone fucking smart was behind it. It just seems like it’s always messing up and it’s now obvious that the dudes who invented it have no clue how to operate it. The biggest proof of this is the fact that they’re sitting on millions of wasted ad sales, because they can’t figure out how to make it profitable.

The guys who invented Twitter are like your childhood friends who would suggest playing hide-n-seek, then promptly stand behind a stop sign when it was their turn to hide. They’re great at starting something up, but the follow through leaves you disappointed and confused.

Go ahead and sick ol’ Jobs (sick or not, he’s still powerful enough to make anything lame cool just be adjusting his crotch) on Twitter, Apple. It’s long overdue.

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the process

Whenever a friend finds out I use Twitter, this is basically what happens:

First, they make fun of me. “What the fuck? What are you doing, saying ‘I’m taking a dump’ hahaha!” Then, after a couple weeks go by, they revisit their disdain, and of course make the standard Twitter/Twat joke. To my detriment, I still find these jokes funny.

As time goes by, they start asking about it more and more.  “So, I heard Shaq is on there. And Hammer too.”

Finally, inevitably, they say, “So, I think I’m getting on Twitter. It’s cool.”

At this point I feel like telling them that it’s not really cool, per se, but it is Something. Then I tell them to follow me, and if they ever type “LOL” or anything of that sort, I will not only unfollow them, but I will probably have to punch them in the face.

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this is the best news since your friend told you he thought no one would notice your left eye is bigger than your right

Tonight is the Oscars, so I’m going to be live-tweeting it (until I get bored at least), and I’m hoping all you other Twitter people will be too.  Just tune your TV to the right channel at 8 PM (though I’ll probably start with a little red carpet stuff before), drink a ton and let the fun begin.  Okay, you don’t have to drink as much wine as I will, but I promise Mickey Rourke would want you to.

I’ll see you or tweet you or whatever tonight.

I hate saying “tweet.”

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through clenched fists

Well fuck.

Yes, fuck.

Yesterday I found out something that makes me want to watch Lifetime movies while completely sober.  It’s that bad.

Ashton Kutcher is on Twitter.

So is Demi Moore.

Oh and dear mother of god so is Fred Durst.

I know, I know, right now you’re saying, “Who the hell are these people?”  I only wish I didn’t know them.  I only wish that my mind could somehow erase the memories/nightmares of Punk’d, G.I. Jane and Limp Bizkit.  But it can’t.

You see I’m one of those people who loves his Twitter.  Yes that makes me a dork, but I’m also one of those people who likes sports and shooting fireworks at people when I’m drunk so I think that evens me out.

My problem with these people invading Twitter is that now some people that I follow are talking about them, which makes me highly upset.

It’s bad enough that Ashton made everyone think wearing a trucker hat was not only socially acceptable, but cool.

It’s bad enough that Demi Moore left Bruce Motherfucking Willis to marry Ashton.

It’s bad enough that Limp Bizkit – well, c’mon, do I really need to elaborate on them?

But now, when I go to my Twitter page, I have to see people talking about “what Ashton said” and “how positive a person Demi is!”  And yeah, there really was an exclamation point, dammit.

It’s just too much.

Sadly, unless all three of them decide that maybe they should stop inadvertently torturing a blogger they don’t know and probably (hopefully) never will, there’s nothing that I can do.

So tell me about how you’re bringing the ascot back Ashton, because that’s just what we need from you, more fashion advice.  And Demi, please post a picture of you two by the Golden Gate bridge, because yes it’s romantic and it only makes me hate you a little bit more.  Yes, even you Fred, quote some more Albert Einstein, because I’m sure you both have a lot in common.

I want it all.

I guess.

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decided

Yesterday I became a Comic Dude.

I went and bought Watchmen (which is fucking awesome) and I started reading it on the train ride home, feeling everyone’s eyes upon me.

I understand people judging me, because 1) I do this all the time and 2) when I think about Adults Who Read Comic Books, I think of this:

All of that.

The stomach, the bad clothes, the pony tail, the yellow skin.  Okay, maybe not the yellow skin.

No.

Definitely the yellow skin.

I even got the harshest criticism from Ari, who is great and loves me, but referred to my new purchase as “My dork book.”

I was a little tentative about the whole thing.

This isn’t to say I’m not a fan of comics, I was raised on The Punisher and Batman, thanks to having an older brother who would only punch me eight times when I tried to read his comics without asking.

So I get the whole comic book thing.

But I just didn’t know if I was ready to be That Guy.

Then right before I bought Watchmen, I twittered about how I was questioning this Major Decision, and I got some support from other bloggers, which made me feel better.  Even though those bloggers were both attractive women which means they can do whatever they want and everyone will think, “I can’t believe she does that.  But she’s hot.  So it’s cool.”

I thought about all of this, and I chose to become a Comic Dude.

I’m not afraid of what others may think of me, because I know that deep down in my heart I am Cool, and as long as I know that, then it doesn’t matter what people think about me.

Plus, when people look upon me reading my comic, and I sense that they are about to say something like, “Nice comic book dork!  Your Mom buy that for you?” I will look up from my reading material and reply, “No, she didn’t, and I am not ashamed to read comics as an adult!  Also, just so you know, I will be blogging about this!!!”

That should shut them up.

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