Eventually, someday, I want to have kids.
No, I’m not afraid to say that because I’m thirty. I’m supposed to be talking about this kind of stuff instead of how Batman doesn’t really need those pointy ears on top of his mask, he probably just thinks it looks cool.
I guess I shouldn’t say “kids” though, I should say “boys.” I want a couple little Chrises running around the world so that everyone forgets about me and when I die they say, “Well, Chris, he was a complete asshole. But his boys? Fine men, just the best. Why, the other day I saw one of them offer his last three M&M’s to a friend!”
Those are the kinds of boys I’m going to raise. At least that’s what I think anyway.
The kids will be fine, but as far as me relating to other parents, that’s where things will probably go awry. This is because I don’t think I’ll be very good at all the political things that come with having kids in school.
At the first Parent Teacher Meet-up, I’ll probably be more concerned with when the meeting ends as opposed to what the teacher is like and meeting other parents there. Unless there’s free beer or something. Then I’d be very Concerned With Things.
When little Wyatt (Don’t you steal that name! Don’t do it!) plays in his first football game, because he’s a star athlete of course, and some of the parents ask me if I can man the snack shop, I don’t think there’s anyway I could not laugh in their faces before telling them, “Maybe you should, since your kid kind of sucks.”
It’s moments like that when I think I’d have the most problems.
Of course this is why I have Ari, to be the brains, and eventually the voice of this imaginary family. Because lord knows if I’m left to my own devices, we’ll have no adult friends.
But I bet all the kids will think I’m awesome.