drawing the line

When people sneeze, I do The Right Thing and I say “bless you.”

I wish there was something better to say, but there really isn’t.  Seinfeld had the best suggestion, saying that you should be able to tell the person “You’re sooo good looking.”  But we all know that things aren’t as awesome and great as they are in Seinfeld because if they were, no one would have ever heard of Tyler Perry.

There are limitations on my “bless yous” though.

When someone sneezes too far away, I will not Bless Them, because although it would be quite funny to people, I am not going to stand up in the middle of the room and yell, “BLESS YOU!” to the sneezer to make sure they hear me.

Because if the sneezer doesn’t hear my blessing, then what’s the point?  Obviously there is no value in Doing Nice Things if no one notices and smiles at you and maybe thinks, “Man, he is just a really great person.”

And if you’re a multiple sneezer, good luck my friend.

One sneeze – I am on top of it.  Blessing you before the snot hits your keyboard.

Two sneezes – I am still there, though a little more hesitant.  I might even give you a look suggesting, “Okay, I think we’re all finished here.”

Three sneezes?

You are on your own buddy.

You’ll be looking around to your left, to your right, hoping and praying for someone – anyone – to bless you.  But it won’t be me.  I’m not going to sit around and bless you after every sneeze like some kind of idiot.

I also won’t dish out blessings to people I don’t know.  If we’re friends, then you can count on me to bless your dumb ass every day of the year, but if you’re just some random person on the street, forget about it.

You’ve got to get your “bless yous” from someone else, because I’ll just keep moving and leave you cold and lonely like Britney left her kids.

The way I see it, I’ve got to have my limits, otherwise everything would be chaotic.

And no, of course I don’t ever say “gesundheit.”

I’m not some kind of weirdo.

right side down

I’m going to go ahead and put this out there, even though I know some of you will no doubt make me sad by disagreeing with me, but Seinfeld was and still is the best TV show ever created.

Hands down.

No contest.

Well, I was watching a rerun last night, and it turned out to be my favorite episode – Bizarro Jerry. For those of you who don’t know every single Seinfeld by heart (losers) it’s the one where Elaine befriends the exact opposite – the Bizarro – of Jerry, George and Kramer. It’s also the episode featuring Man Hands.

Being that I am A Thinker – and maybe because I wasn’t drunk for the first time in three nights – I started wondering, what would Bizarro Chris be like?

He’d certainly be successful.

I’m sure he’d also enjoy Meeting New People and would express a genuine interest in what they had to say.

I bet he wouldn’t think roller coasters were a sure way to prematurely end his life in a giant ball of flame and metal.

He’d probably have a cat, not a dog that eats tennis balls instead of fetching them.

Bizarro Chris would also hold back from saying things like, “You’ve got issues” to a woman whom he has just met, that was complaining about eating too much.

I’m sure he’d even be an optimist, and not make a habit of expressing the darkest consequences of every single action – including mismatched socks.

The more I think about it, Bizarro Chris is probably a much more enjoyable version of me.

But really – who wants another Nice Person in the world?

There’s enough of those out there already.