When people sneeze, I do The Right Thing and I say “bless you.”
I wish there was something better to say, but there really isn’t. Seinfeld had the best suggestion, saying that you should be able to tell the person “You’re sooo good looking.” But we all know that things aren’t as awesome and great as they are in Seinfeld because if they were, no one would have ever heard of Tyler Perry.
There are limitations on my “bless yous” though.
When someone sneezes too far away, I will not Bless Them, because although it would be quite funny to people, I am not going to stand up in the middle of the room and yell, “BLESS YOU!” to the sneezer to make sure they hear me.
Because if the sneezer doesn’t hear my blessing, then what’s the point? Obviously there is no value in Doing Nice Things if no one notices and smiles at you and maybe thinks, “Man, he is just a really great person.”
And if you’re a multiple sneezer, good luck my friend.
One sneeze – I am on top of it. Blessing you before the snot hits your keyboard.
Two sneezes – I am still there, though a little more hesitant. I might even give you a look suggesting, “Okay, I think we’re all finished here.”
You are on your own buddy.
You’ll be looking around to your left, to your right, hoping and praying for someone – anyone – to bless you. But it won’t be me. I’m not going to sit around and bless you after every sneeze like some kind of idiot.
I also won’t dish out blessings to people I don’t know. If we’re friends, then you can count on me to bless your dumb ass every day of the year, but if you’re just some random person on the street, forget about it.
You’ve got to get your “bless yous” from someone else, because I’ll just keep moving and leave you cold and lonely like Britney left her kids.
The way I see it, I’ve got to have my limits, otherwise everything would be chaotic.
And no, of course I don’t ever say “gesundheit.”
I’m not some kind of weirdo.