A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend has a story and it goes like this:
This girl owns a big ass snake and loves it. She even lets it sleep with her at night, curled up at the end of her bed. One day she notices that it stops eating like it normally does, so she starts to get worried. She also notices around this time that the snake stops sleeping normally and begins to sleep completely stretched out alongside her at night, instead of curled up at her feet. So the girl takes the snake to the vet and explains everything that has been happening. The vet looks at the girl in complete shock and tells her, “The reason why your snake has stopped eating and is stretching out alongside you at night is because it’s preparing itself to eat you. It stopped eating to make room for you, and is stretched out to see if you will fit inside it.”
Now, after hearing that story certain concerns arise.
For one, what exactly is going on in this woman’s life that she lets her snake sleep with her? I think the woman needed someone to talk to. You know, about being fucking crazy.
Another issue is that if a snake that big decided to stretch out alongside you, it is probably not a good sign. No one has ever called me a genius, but I’m pretty sure that after the first night this happened, she should have put it in its cage at night.
There are countless other concerns that come to mind when hearing that story (did she cuddle with it? And if so, for how long? Did the snake snore?) but when I first heard it, I didn’t care about any of that – I was just upset because I realized that I don’t have a good story.
That friend who knows that story can enter into any situation and immediately feel comfortable, because she has that story to pull out on people.
No matter what people are talking about, she can interject with, “Yeah that’s great, but you want to hear something really crazy?” And of course people will be interested, because everyone loves Crazy – just look at America’s obsession with Britney (Comeback my ass. She’s still bat shit nuts, mark my words).
But me? I’ve got nothing.
I could pull out the time when I missed the train and thought I was going to be late to work but then another train came right away! But somehow, I don’t think it’s as powerful as Snake Woman.
Something’s got to give. Maybe I’ll try and make something remarkable happen and have a quality story all to myself, something that will always elicit ohhs and aahhs from people.
Or maybe I’ll just steal the Snake Woman story, because I think that’s much more my speed.
So I know this girl, right? Well she has this snake…
So apparently the snake story is complete bullshit. Maxie and Ben even wrote about the same thing in August. Obviously this makes me feel better because now I know everyone has shitty stories just like me.