your days are numbered bobby flay

Some of you know that my girlfriend, Ari, has an amazing food blog. She takes pictures of what she snacks on and sometimes the great meals that she makes us.

Well, she’s gone until Thursday and unable to blog until then.

Being The Good Boyfriend that I am, I decided to do a little food post in case any of her readers needed their food blog fix.

So last night I made A Meal.

I did this by drinking first.

If you look hard enough, you can see my reflection in the wine glass. I was wearing a t-shirt and boxers.

In case you didn’t know, this is how all great chef’s cook – half drunk and in their underwear.

The Next Step involved veggies. I picked broccoli and mushrooms.

Do you like how the knife was sitting on top of the veggies?

I knew you would.

This is called Placement. Or maybe just Me Putting A Knife On Top Of Pre-Cut Veggies.

When I was done slaving over the veggies, I made some Quinoa.

Quinoa is Spanish for Stuff That Looks Like Rice But Isn’t Rice.

I know this because I have Knowledge.

When the Quinoa was done, I put it and the veggies into a skillet and cooked them.

I added some curry sauce that may have came pre-made from Trader Joe’s, but a true chef never reveals his secrets.

Or is that magicians? Being a magician is A Sad Thing, isn’t it? I mean, who the fuck cares about making stuff disappear? Wow – you made a quarter come out of my ear. Give it back to me before I punch you in your unaccomplished face.

More on magicians in another post, I’m sure of it.

Here is a picture of The Meal.

While I was cooking it, it occurred to me that it kind of looked like someone puked in the skillet, but at least that person was eating their veggies.

I ate it and I watched the NBA playoffs and I was A Happy Man.

I know that some of you are extremely jealous of my cooking skills now. And this can be hard to take.

But just know that I too struggled at one point in my life to cook A Fancy Meal.

And if you take anything from this food post – anything at all – please know that cooking in your underwear can be fun.

Just make sure your neighbors can’t see you through your open curtains and you’re not singing along to Eddie Money as you do it.

work it

Last night Ari and I went out for drinks and then to dinner.  We did this because it was the first really nice day here, and that meant we both wanted to get drunk and eat outside – of course!

We had drinks at a rooftop bar near my office.  I actually drank wine because I was with a Beautiful Woman, which made me feel better about drinking something Not So Manly.

On our way out to go to dinner, a guy who we had to squeeze by, looked me up and down and said, “Where are you going???”

I ignored him and kept walking.

As we headed down the steps, Ari told me, “That guy loved you!”

She then told me that as we passed he checked out my ass and said, “Don’t leave!”

This kind of thing happens to me all the time.

Men like me.

They really do.

And you know what?  I’m fine with it.  In fact, I welcome it!

Look, I’m in a Long Term Relationship.  I don’t get to get excited when women hit on me.  I can’t go home and tell Ari about the woman on the train who made Sexy Eyes at me.

But when it’s a dude, I am a Diva!

I say things like, “Oh, he liked what he saw! Mmm-hmm!” and “He should’ve taken a picture, it would last longer!”  Then I laugh and laugh because I am a Good Looking Man and they knew it and I know it and it’s okay because I Still Enjoy Boobs.

So last night when I walked by that guy did I maybe, just perhaps, walk with a little Extra Sass?

I might have…

and the grammy goes to

My girlfriend and I are drinking a good bottle of wine and checking out the Grammy’s, so I thought I’d take advantage of the moment and share some thoughts about the show and music in general with you. It’s kind of like a ‘live-blog,’ but I’ll probably stop when I get bored – but either way – here we go.

-I’m in love with Alicia Keys. I don’t think she could do anything wrong in my eyes. She could push an old man in front of a bus, and I’d shrug it off, “Well, let’s be honest, he was asking for it – being all old and everything.”

-My girlfriend loves when she sees Carrie Underwood on tv. The line everytime? “Ya know she’s a tri sig.” Yeah, I get it. She’s in the same sorority as you. I get it. She loves saying it though. She raises her eyebrows as she says it though, thinking, “Here’s a little something for my dumb boyfriend.”

-Prince just needs to stop it. Just enough already dude. How old is Prince? He’s gotta be like 74. And he’s still making semi-catchy funky songs while wearing the ugliest outfits around. Enough is enough Prince. You know it’s still somehow not okay to say you don’t like Prince. I don’t like him. Go away Prince. Yeah, I’ll still yell along to “little red corvette” at the bar when I’m 10 beers in, but other than that, I’m over it.

-Rihanna. My girlfriend summed it up perfectly – “Can she sing another song aside from ‘Umbrella?’ She also noted that Beyonce probably hates her. I agree. Beyonce should bitch-slap her backstage.

-When is Tom Hanks next movie coming out? Is he even doing anything anymore? It doesn’t matter. Whatever he does will probably be “moving” and “epic” and “thrilling.” The dude seems to just know what movies people will love. Man, he is raving about the Beatles. That’s another band I don’t like – the Beatles. I can hear people clicking away from my blog right now…

-Cindi Lauper! Man, she doesn’t look so good. Like she was puking in a trash can right before the show and thought, “Aw what the hell, I’ll go on away.” She must have an album coming out or something. You know she was begging to get on the show. Probably pulled the Karma Chameleon card on the producers.

-I’m a Kanye fan. Yeah, he’s an asshole, but he makes some really good music. He’s performing “Stronger” off his latest album, and it sounds pretty good. A lot of the time hip-hop doesn’t sound that great live, but this sounds pretty good. Oh snap! Daft Punk (the guys who the song is sampled from) just showed up rocking some outfits straight from Tron. I love Tron, I just went nuts over that movie when I was kid. Now he’s doing the song, “Hey Mama.” Gotta feel for Kanye having lost his Mom way too early.

-I fucking hate Fergie. She ruined one of the best hip-hop groups out there and now she’s making horrible music for all to hear. Plus, she’s ugly. C’mon, she is. If I saw her on the street, first I’d tell her that she doesn’t have any talent, then I’d punch her in the neck for ruining the Black Eyed Peas. I’m very mature.

It’s been an hour and I think I’m done with watching the Grammy’s. Okay, sorry, one last thought – Ringo looks exactly the same. I mean, exactly. He’s still rocking the same wierd sunglasses, haircut and semi-shaved beard. Let’s move on Ringo, it’s time for something new my friend.

Alright, I’m out. Tomorrow is Monday and Monday means sadness.