tune out

I don’t watch Lost, nor do I ever intend to.

I just don’t get it.  I don’t understand why everyone thinks this show is so great.  I feel like the kid in Flight of the Navigator – I woke up one day and I was the same, but everyone around me was different.

I mean, it’s a show about people stranded on an island.  In present day.

This kind of thing doesn’t happen.  People don’t get lost on islands, let alone time-shifting ones that harbor castaways who don’t take their ties off. It just doesn’t happen.

I think, though I might be wrong, that if I got stranded on an island and I was wearing a tie, the first thing I would do (aside from crying like a little girl) is take my damn tie off.

Also, Lost has been done before.  It’s a complete rip-off of Gilligan’s Island.

That’s right.  Gilligan’s Island.  That was the first show about people who got stranded on island and, of course, the hilarious hi-jinks that ensued.

And at least that show was believable because it was set in the 60’s, a time when it was still socially acceptable to eat excessive amounts of acid, rub your naked butt on someone else’s naked butt and think that James Bond movies are “far out.”

But don’t let me stop you from watching Lost.

I’m sure it’s fine in that it doesn’t make you want to gut yourself, but as for me, I think I’ll stick to shows that are more intellectually stimulating.

Like Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

dedicated

Because Google rules the world and controls all we do with an iron electronic fist, I am of course a proud user of Gmail.

This morning, when I opened my account up, I was greeted with yet another innovation from the Google god’s: the ability to make a task list.

Of course this would be my First Task – to make a task list.  So I did, and for your enjoyment, here are the things I need to accomplish before I leave the office tonight.

I bow down to you all powerful Google gods.

As you can see I have quite the day ahead of me.

Of course, like most things I come in contact with, I will exhibit a large amount of enthusiasm about these task lists at first, and then promptly forget about them in a couple of days.

But for now, I think I’ll go add another task to my list. 

Perhaps something about coming up with excuses for my boss as to why I was drooling on my desk while looking at pictures of Kim Kardashian.

In fact that might have to be made a priority.

oh yes, it will be good

There are times in a person’s life when he must go against what he believes to be right – when he must turn to the world and scream, “Yes, you may judge me – but I am doing this despite your challenges!”

It is these times, these moral wrestling matches, that make us who we are.

Perhaps it was that time you decided that turtlenecks were okay to wear in public, or maybe it was when you tried desperately to bring back “rad,” even though all of your friends stopped hanging out with you as a consequence.

You hear the whispers.

You see the stares.

Oh how they talk!

Oh how they stare!

But you press on.  You press on because who are they to tell you your behavior is deplorable?  Have they not sinned???  Were they not the ones who told you Paris Hilton’s album was worth buying?

Yes, you know them well.

And that is why you steel yourself to their disapproval.

You will do what you must because the end result will bring you much happiness.  You do this because every second of it will make you smile.

Yes, your decision is rash.  Yes, your decision is confusing.  But not to you.  In your heart you know that after all the smoke clears and the dust settles, you will be a better person for having gone through with it.

When I heard that Kim Kardashian was going to be on the next Dancing With The Stars, I knew this was one of those times for me.

I will watch her, not because it is something I want to do, because it is something I must do.

When the world asks me why, I will not offer a complex reason.

I will not utter some intellectual comeback.

Instead I will laugh at their foolishness, hand them this picture and calmly explain, “Ass so fat you can see it from the front.”