Tag Archives: things that make me cynical

you’ve already seen this one

I don’t own a TiVo and I don’t really care.  Sure, I’d like to be able to watch shows that I have to miss because I’m interacting with other humans for reasons like “birthdays” and “because that’s what adults do Chris,” but my thinking is if I miss them, no big deal.

And I’m not even one of those people who don’t own a TV because frankly, those people drive me insane and I maybe sometimes want to yell at them because everyone fucking likes TV dammit.

No, I love TV as much as the next person, but TiVo is just something I really don’t need in my life.  Which is why I don’t understand this whole “TiVo guilt” thing.

I just read about it this morning.  It’s the feeling people get when they turn on their TV’s and see that they have all these shows that they have recorded, but haven’t watched, thus – feeling guilty about it.

I have just one thing to say to those people out there suffering from TiVo guilt: Get the fuck out of here.

Just go.

You’re telling me that you feel bad, like the bad I feel when I knock an old lady down while diving for a seat on the train, when you haven’t caught up on the missed episodes of “Two and a Half Men?”

Listen to me – your life is better for missing those episodes.

Let them die.  

If you’re watching that show then you should already feel badly about your life, but feeling guilty for deleting them off of your TiVo is just fucking ridiculous.

You want to feel guilty?  Try ignoring someone’s Facebook group request and then when they see you on the site and ask, “Hey, did you see that request I sent?” the only thing you can say is, “Um, yes.”

There’s no reason to feel guilty about TiVo though.  Just let the shows go and get on with your life.

Unless you have the last two episodes of Rock of Love on there, and if that’s the case, I’m coming over.

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i’m only as young as my things

I have a problem.

It’s this:

ugly dumb bag

No, not my dog.  He’s fine.  Well, fine in that he hasn’t peed on my shoe in about a month.  I tried to just take a picture of my bag, but every time I did, Jack would start biting my leg, so I had to agree to his terms of being in the picture.  He can be such a diva.

It’s my bag.

It’s the bag that I use to carry my clothes that I use for the gym every day – and it’s an Eddie Bauer bag.

That’s right.

Eddie Bauer.

I carry a bag that proudly declares “Eddie Bauer” on its side every single day of the week.

Do you know who uses Eddie Bauer stuff?

This guy.

Sure, he seems like he’s nice.

But he’s old.  Very, very old.  And while he may have been The Tops back in his day, it is safe to say that he is not on top of his game any longer.

Old people wear/use Eddie Bauer stuff.

I should not be using a bag that immediately adds 73 years to my life.

When people see me with this bag, they automatically assume I wear adult diapers, miss I Love Lucy and eat dinner at 1:30 in the afternoon.

They don’t understand that I am – in fact – Really Cool.

See?

Even with a thumb in the picture I pulled off a “Man, I am too cool for this” look. Actually, I was just pissed off that the train was taking forever, but you get my point.

My bag is giving people the wrong idea about who I am as a person, and I have got to put a stop to it.

It’d be different if people didn’t judge others on material possessions, but c’mon – who the hell doesn’t do that?

(Now that you’re done here, please go read my guest post over at Oh! How Lovely! It’s amazing and will make you love life even more than that time you found that hidden bag of Doritos in your cupboard. And if you don’t regularly read Oh! How Lovely! start now.)

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pioneering spirit

I had to buy new cologne yesterday because my bottle of old faithful had run out over last weekend.

To make this purchase I had to go to Sephora.

I was not happy about this.

If you’re a dude, going to Sephora is a lot like the pilgrims’ experience – it’s this strange land where everything smells different than what you’re used to, you have no idea how you’re supposed to act and as soon as you set foot in there the natives grow restless.

Luckily I found where the cologne was kept right away and made my way over to it.  The good people of Sephora made it easy to find by lining the wall with huge posters of Naked Man Thighs.

It was a little disturbing.

Since I had my heart set on Trying Something Different, I started to smell the colognes.

Right away, the only dude in the entire store finds me.

Perfect.

I go into a store loaded with attractive women and the first person to approach me is a man.  Not the hot dark-skinned woman with legs up to her neck, no, the slightly overweight man with a beard that so closely resembled A.J.’s from the Backstreet Boys that I felt uncomfortable.

He was nice though, and very thorough.

Each time he made me smell a new cologne that he picked out, and I would reply with something like, “That smells like soap” he only grew more determined.

Eventually I found something I liked and left feeling confident about my purchase.   Or maybe I was just really high off of smelling 15 different colognes.

When I got home I excitedly sprayed it on myself and asked Ari, “Well, what do you think?”

She replied, “It’s good.  But I like your old stuff better.”

Of course.

I go out of my way to try Something New and this is what I get.

No one ever has any love for the pilgrim.

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